story1827.xml

story1827.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-06

I saw many things on September 11th but the one image that sticks in my mind is that of a low flying plane as it passed over me just a minute before it crashed into the World Trade Center. I wrote the following journal entry two days after the attacks:

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

A day that ended as anything other than ordinary began with my morning routine. My hours had just changed from the summer so I had the luxury of sleeping a little later. I normally woke up at 6am but this morning I didn?t get out of bed until 6:30. I took a shower and got dressed with time to spare. I took the few moments before I had to leave for the bus to climb back into bed to snuggle with my fianc? and to tell him that I love him. I never leave without saying goodbye and saying I love you. I had no idea that those few moments were going to be the one thing that would get me through the next 36hours.
Just before I left for work I decided to wear sandals rather than heels. I was supposed to attend a wine and cheese reception Tuesday night and thought heels would be more appropriate but didn?t think my feet could withstand wearing heels all day. Later, when I was fleeing my office, I was thankful for those sandals.
I boarded the 7:30 bus and settled in for the hour ride into Manhattan. I only live about fifteen miles out of the city but with traffic it takes that long to get through New Jersey and the Lincoln Tunnel. I hadn?t been sleeping well so I feel asleep on the bus. Looking back I wish I?d been awake. I often would stare in awe at the NYC skyline basked in the morning light. That would have been the last time I could have seen the Twin Towers.
My bus arrived at Port Authority at 8:30am. Not one for subways and trying to squeeze as much pre-wedding exercise in I set out to walk across town ? from 8th avenue and 41st street to 2nd avenue and 41st street. It usually takes me about half an hour to walk across town. I can make it in twenty if I sprint but I was not in a hurry. I had to be a work at 9am so I had enough time. It was cold, a sign that autumn was on the way. The chill was very appropriate for what was to come.
I walked along 41st street until I reached Byrant Park at 6th avenue. I may have been able to see the Twin Towers down 6th avenue if I had thought to look. But it was just a staple of the skyline that I guess I took the sight for granted. You never think that something that big and solid could crumble in such a short time.
Fashion Week had just begun and normally the park is roped off but I was able to squeeze through. I walked through the park, a sense of peace ? the last I would feel of the day ? washing over me. On the other side of the park I passed by the library and turned down 5th avenue to pick up 41st street again.
Since Bryant Park is the halfway point between the Port Authority bus terminal and my office it had to have been around 8:45am. As I was walking down 5th avenue I heard a plane overhead. I looked up and was surprised to see it flying so low. It looked as if it were barely clearing the buildings. I remember thinking it was dangerously low. I wondered where it was heading. At best it was flying to Newark because it was flying away from Lagaurdia and not headed toward JFK. It occurred to me that it may crash but never did I imagine it would crash into a building. I thought it may crash into the harbor but hoped it would make it to Newark. I was reminded of the recent plane crash that killed Aaliyah. But I really didn?t think it would crash because it showed no sign of distress. It was just inconceivable to me that it could crash. The image of that passenger plane, the image of its off-white belly, will forever be etched in my mind.
Once the plane was out of my view I thought nothing more of it until I reached 2nd avenue. As I stood on the corner waiting to cross and enter my office building, two fire engines came roaring down 2nd avenue with a news 4 van trailing right behind. I remember wondering what had happened that was so newsworthy. Emergency vehicles are an every day sight in New York City but rarely do you see a news van following so closely behind. And it was from channel 4. I don?t know where their office is but across from mine is channel 11.
I stood there on the corner, wondering, when a man walked by me and announced that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Towers. I instantly thought back to the plane I saw and knew that it had to have been the same one. Oh, what a horrific tragedy but only a terrible, terrible accident. I was dumbfounded and crossed the street in a daze. I entered the building and encountered one of my coworkers in the elevator. We exclaimed our shock at the tragedy. On the sixth floor, our receptionist was rapidly fielding calls and trying to keep us updated with reports from the radio. It was 9am when I got to my office.
I settled in, shaking from the shock. I logged on to my computer. I went into my friend Allison?s office, who fortunately was in Colorado on vacation, and borrowed her radio. I had to know what was going on. I called my parents in Maryland. My mother worries about everything. I didn?t want her to worry about me. Nothing had happened to me. It wasn?t even all that close by. It just had happened in the same city. My voice shook as I left a message. I told them not to worry. That I was fine. That was before all hell broke loose.
I walked through the lobby and the receptionist kept saying that there were reports of a second plane. I thought she was making it up or that the radio announcer was wrong. How could there be two planes? It was an accident. And if there was another plane it had to have been a news helicopter that accidently crashed while trying to cover the plane crash. I just could not comprehend a second plane.
I sat in my office, still shaking, wondering how I was going to get any work done. Would anyone understand how upset I was by this? I listened to people who called into the radio and suddenly the reports were that this was a terrorists attack and not an accident. How could that be? Weren?t they jumping to conclusions?
I sought out my friends and for a moment was terrified that one of my friends, Cris, who happens to be five months pregnant, was in danger of losing her husband. Her husband had just started working at a bank downtown but by the grace of God he was in midtown, safely away, at a conference.
After assessing that my friends were present and accounted for, I found my way into the conference room where we had managed to get the one channel that was working, channel two, on the TV. Apparently when the tower was hit a lot of connections were knocked out, including phones. It was the highest point in the city.
In the conference room I sat with my coworkers and watched as the events unfolded. The severity of the events quickly became clear. I watched as the tower that was hit second crumbled to the ground in a huge cloud of smoke. I watched as they announced the pentagon had been attacked. That was when the fear bubbled up inside me. Suddenly I realized we were under attack. We were at war with an unknown enemy and who knew where he could strike next.
I was so afraid. I was in fear of my life. I imagined never seeing Steve or my family and friends again. I did not want to die. I did not want this to be the last day of my life. I thought back to the few moments before I left for work that I was snuggling with Steve and feared that would be the last time I would see him. I knew he was ok because he works in New Jersey and was safely away from all this insanity. But I couldn?t get ahold of him. I couldn?t get anyone on the phone. Email was all I had. I heard from two of my good friends but everything unfolded so fast and the fear and terror of the reality of the situation became apparent quickly.
Back in the conference room my friend Alitza held my hand that would not stop shaking. My one-time boss grasped my shoulders as the tears poured down my face. I was so afraid. I have never been that scared in my life. The U.N. is around the corner from my office and the Israeli consulate is across the street. Grand central is two blocks down and the empire state building is less than ten blocks away. What if we were the next target? I had to get out of there but where was I going to go? They quickly closed off all ways in and out of the city. I was trapped.
My pregnant friend?s husband made his way to our office and convinced us to leave. I left with them because we all live in New Jersey so we were all headed for the same place. I hugged my other friends goodbye and prayed that I would see them again. We were going to take our chances on the streets. We didn?t know the extent of what was happening so we were not going to be sitting ducks in a possible target.
We walked 40 blocks north to 82nd street to the apartment of a friend of Sean?s. I got there by sheer adrenaline. We left the office at 11am and it took us just over an hour to make our way uptown through the throngs of people trying to escape the city, trying to escape the billowing cloud of smoke pouring up from the southern tip of Manhattan. Every time we heard a plane fly overhead we searched the clear blue sky for any sight of it, wondering where it was going to hit, not knowing that it was probably just a fighter jet protecting the air space. There were lines at all the grocery stores and banks. We stopped at an ATM and took out lots of cash. We didn?t know what the future held in store for us.
Once we got to John?s apartment and sat down, I started to feel better. I was still shaking terribly. I could barely stand. I just stared blankly at the TV in complete shock and disbelief. I think at this point I realized the attacks were over and it was more about getting home then staying alive. But the fear was still there. I no longer felt safe anywhere. They had attacked the city I worked in, the city I was thinking about working in and near where my parents and some of Steve?s family live. I felt completely violated and vulnerable. But I was not angry yet. Anger is not an emotion I am feeling yet. I am barely feeling anything. I am numb.
Around 3pm they opened the ferries. It was the only way to get into New Jersey. John drove us over to 12th avenue and 42nd street to catch the ferry around 5pm. The line was about 10 people across and ten blocks long. It was impossible and overwhelming. Since Cris is pregnant we were able to cut in line and board the ferry immediately. On the way across the Hudson River the number 7 building collapsed. Everyone rushed to the one side to see it and we almost tipped over.
Once safely in New Jersey I had the option of waiting in a long line to take a bus one mile down the road to Hoboken and take my chances there or stay with Cris and Sean. I chose the later. I had not been able to get ahold of Steve all day so I didn?t know how I was going to get home if I couldn?t get a bus straight there. Many of the main roads were closed. I couldn?t get home and Steve couldn?t get to me. Staying with Cris and Sean was the best option. And at this point I had a splitting headache. I was exhausted. I hadn?t really eaten all day. My feet hurt. My back hurt from carrying my bag. But except for my headache I didn?t really mind b/c I was alive and grateful for that. I just wanted to get home and see Steve and talk to my parents.
We made it the couple of miles to their apartment by 7pm. I think. The day was so long. It felt like it would never end. And much of it is a big blur. We ate dinner. Washed up. I took advil but my headache never really went away. I had a beer and that took the edge off.
Around 9pm I got the bright idea to check my voicemail to see if Steve had left a message. He had so I knew he was ok. There were 16 messages on our voicemail, all from friends and family wondering how we were. Cris and Sean?s phone had gone out before the tragedy begun so they didn?t have a land line. All they had was a cell phone and that only worked when it was plugged in and then only barely. Around 10pm I called my parents. It was very emotional and I think my mom didn?t want to hang up. And she was upset that I wasn?t at home. But what could I do? I was safe and that is all that mattered.
All day I kept thinking I just want to go home and go to bed. I finally got to go to sleep at midnight, right after I finally talked to Steve. I pretty much passed out from exhaustion. I couldn?t imagine sleeping but I did and I had weird dreams, all related to the events. I can?t quite distinguish from dream and what is reality. It just isn?t real. I cannot believe this happened.



I finally got home Wednesday afternoon. At the end of October I moved back to my hometown in Maryland. Steve and I had made the decision to move in August. After September 11th, I didn't want to leave New York but we had to get on with our lives and that meant moving. Exactly eight months after the attacks we got married. We still live in Maryland but I try to visit New York whenever I can.