story10752.xml

story10752.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2004-08-13

I had a 2 year old son at the time, and a new baby daughter. She had just turned one month old. I was so tired-staying up most of the night with her-that I fell asleep on my stomach at the foot of the bed that night.

When I woke up in the morning, I lifted my head and saw the TV, which had been on all night. There was Katie Couric, saying that the 2nd plane had just hit, and I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought, "What in the world is this?!" I felt my stomach drop as the story unfolded before my eyes.

They repeatedly showed the first plane crash-people had thought the first one was just an accident. The video showed people watching the first plane hit, then going back to what they were doing, like it was no big deal. It wasn't until the second one hit that people realized that something very terrible was happening. Like every other person in the world, I sat and watched, wanting it to be just a bad dream I'd soon wake up from.

Finally realizing that it was not a dream, a wave of hopelessness and terror washed over me. I thought to myself, "This is it. We are all going to die. They are going to get us. This is the end. My babies don't get to grow up!"

Shaking with my sobs, I pulled my precious son out of his bed and put him into mine. I just cradled him in my arms, softly sobbing. He didn't wake up-he still sleeps like a rock to this day.

I then went into my precious daughter's room to watch her sleep. I continue to cry as I touched her back gently. She continued to sleep peacefully, as well.

I felt so lost, so helpless, and so desperately lonely, I called my husband at work. He just asked, "Some planes hit some buildings somewhere?" There was no way for him to understand the magnitude of the unfolding tragedy. I remember sobbing, begging for him to come home. He couldn't, though. All I thought about was him being hurt-we still had no idea if these were isolated incidents or not.

I called my mom and my sister-anyone I could think of- just to try and find one person that wasn't scared and that could comfort me. It turned out that everyone was as scared and unsure as I was.

I sat there again, crying, watching my children peacefully asleep, blissfully unaware of what was going on. I just feared for their future.

Like many others, I did not recover quickly. I remained glued to the couch for several weeks, severely depressed. I literally felt hopeless, paralyzed, and just weak. I couldn't get up. I'm normally a girl that loves to eat, but I couldn't even force myself to take a bite of food or even drink. I was dehydrated and lost about 30 lbs. very quickly. The only thoughts on my mind were thought of fear, death, and tragedy. It's no way for anyone to live.

I knew I had to make some big changes in my life, when it started affecting my children. I was in the middle of another sob-fest, thinking everyone was asleep (I always tried to wait until everyone was in bed to start watching the news and crying my eyes out).

Out came my then 2 year old son, looking very concerned. I felt ashamed that he caught me, and fearful that he'd be worried. He came to over to the couch, and softly stroked my hair. In his sweet, little voice he whispered, "It's gonna be okay, Mommy." I still burst into tears when I talk about that!!!!

It was like I was smacked upside the head, or something. I finally realized that my behavior was impacting my precious children, and that I had to make some changes quickly.

One night, while in a chat room online, I was having a good conversation with many of the people there. I finally confessed to everyone that I was severely depressed because of what had happened, and I asked if anyone could help me. That's how desperate I was-I begged complete strangers for any kind of help.

That's when a lady instant messaged me, asking if I knew the Lord. Sure, I knew about Him. I knew what Jesus Christ did for mankind, and I always believed in that much.

She introduced the Sinners' Prayer to me, where a person asks for Christ's forgiveness, and invites Him into their hearts so that they may have eternal life because of His sacrifice on the cross. We said the prayer together, via a little chat window. I began to cry as I said it aloud-this was me literally crying out to God for help.

As I finished the prayer, I literally felt a weight fly from my shoulders-that is the only way I can describe it. It felt like a bird that had been perched on my shoulders had just flown away. I was trembling, scared, and excited all at once. I just crumbled, falling to my knees. I sobbed, "Thank you, thank you," over and over feeling peace fill my mind and body. It was SO incredible!!!

That was in November of 2001. I was baptized in February of 2002.

I still struggle with things here and there. I still make so many mistakes. I still have my down days, my bummer days. Some major things are different, though. I am at peace, and I no longer live in fear. I also have no need to fear, because I know that life goes on after the life on this earth ends. I know that God loves me, loves us all, and will take care of us. I know that God has a special plan for my life, just as He did for all those that died on September 11th.

It gives me comfort knowing they did not die in vain. Their tragic losses brought this country together, and made us stronger than ever! I felt at peace seeing how we as a country reacted to the tragedy. It made me proud to see the lines going out the doors of the military recruiting offices, the American flags, the kindness towards strangers. For once, we were all united, as we always should have been. That was God hard at work, turning what was meant for evil and using it for good.

Now, I fear we as a country are getting back to our complacent state again. Too much fighting with one another to see the big picture. It scares me sometimes, but at least now I can pray about it and know that God is bending an ear to me. I don't know how or if I could go on without God's love in my life. I am forever changed. I will no longer fear for my life, my family's life, or anyone else's. He promises us a hope and a future...He's revealed Himself as very trustworthy, so I'm going to believe Him.

I've heard people say that this was New York's tragedy, why does everyone else care, etc., etc. I am thousands of miles away from New York, but let me tell you, it hit home. It might as well have been in my front yard. We all suffered right along with New York.

I am still affected by it-in good ways and in bad ways. I still have the flashbacks, the deep sadness, and the nightmares, but at the same time I'm a better, more patient and loving parent and wife. I appreciate my family and others in my life. I cherish life more. I am more compassionate. I now live life day to day. I live each day as it will be my last. Funny how a horrible tragedy can straighten a person's priorities.

In many ways, the tragedy on September 11th saved my life. So many died, yet I was born into new life. That's something I think about often, and will always think about and be thankful for. Forever.

PS-I thank God and pray for our wonderful military and their families everyday.