story6832.xml

story6832.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-12

I awoke unusually early, about 5a.m. (8a.m. est) with stomach pains, and a bad dream, thoughts of my father's ashes(my father died over fifty years ago, when I was one yr.)After feeding my cats, getting some fresh air, using rest room, I felt better, but I felt compelled to make three phone calls, all back east, to acousin, my ex-brother-in-law, and an old boyfriend, at 5:58,6:02, and 6:07 a.m. (that is8:58,9:02 &9:07 est.I did not turn on the news until @ 8:15 (ll:15 in N.Y.) I was transfixed and in shock, as everyone; But as a native New Yorker, who left to live in Ca. when I was 43, I felt particulary connected, taking the attack almost personally, feeling very victimized and powerless. I feel that I had some kind of psychic connection with what was happening in New York that morning, as I felt a certain panic as I made those calls. As I do not speak to these people really, I somehow felt driven to connect, wanting to find out how my sister was from my brother-in-law, for instance, as I have not spoken to her since l992. (again I did not know what had occurred until a couple of hours later.) Immediately following that day, I had a great desire 'to do' something, give blood, go back to N.Y. to help. (This was impossible.) In the weeks and months after, I reached out to friends back east, have tried to make a reconciliation with my sister. I have stayed in the house alot, basically depressed and immobilized. I am praying alot, that the hearts and minds of the terrorists, and all those who live in fear, and have envy, and hurt and pain, and those who feel lack and want and need; that a miraculous shift occurs. That a true sharing occurs, that we stop flaunting what we have, and understand what others need.I leave that kind of healing to G-d. I believe that our country can and should prevent this from happening again, quickly and firmly.I describe part of what I am suffering, as 'survivor's guilt', as I 'escaped from N.Y.' I feel some separation from N.Y. out here in the mountains of California, where I live, that people here are disconnected from Washington,and N.Y. Yet I know the events of 9/11 have brought us closer, more united, and I hope that 'the world will be as one'.(It has taken me this long to write, and find this website. Thank you for this opportunity to let go, and take yet another step toward healing.) (I just want to make a note that I did not speak with my cousin, or brother-in-law that morning and only briefly to my friend, as he was sleeping and didn't seem to know what had just happened.)