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2002-09-18

I recently had been struggling with the whole September 11th year as the anniversary approached, it produced no less than an immensity of uncoordinated and
uncontrollable emotion and insight. I had hoped that concealing myself
from that day would leave me blinded to the horrific realizations I might
acquire upon standing up to confront that day. I have
been mourning September 11. It has been quite traumatizing and difficult
to say the least, very strenuous, a tremendous struggle. Around the
world, people commemorated the fallen, bereaved the lost, and offered
their compassion and sympathies to the USA, my country. And on behalf of
us Americans, I want to say thank you everyone else, we are so
grateful for your support and encouragment through these volatile times,
the world really is a terrific place with an innumerable number of
beautiful and understanding individuals. We have truly defeated and
overcome these lost and humanity deprived terrorists when we have
forgiven them for their deplorable atrocities. Our undeterable goodness
and enduring freedom shall certainly never succumb to their consuming
hatred and destructive evil. Let each of us, attain vindication not
through retribution, rather through contributing to and establishing in
the world, that which these lost souls seek to eliminate; peace, unity,
and accord with one another, throughout the entirety of the world. As
horrific as these terrorists have proven themselves to be, we still owe
this uplifting positivity to ourselves, our families, and our nations,
more so than these fallen individuals deserve our spite and vengeance.
Repay your enemies not with that which makes them your enemy, but with
that which they do not possess and contain, in order that they may no
longer remain your enemy, and the world shall no longer stand in the
shadow of darkness and despair. This ideology can be implemented in any
situation of conflict that requires resolution. Our forgiveness should
not be restrained and based upon whether or not someone asks for it; all
the more compelling forgiveness will be when we forgive those who do not
desire it, and even more so who do not believe they even have anything to
be forgiven for. Forgiveness is as much for the forgiver as it is for
the forgiven, it symbolizes a completion in a sense, an achievement, and
the forgiveness you eventually acquire for someone is well worth the
battle and struggle you endure to get there. God Bless the families of
the lost and fallen, they will never be forgotten, but rather embedded in
our minds and found resonating throughout our hearts until our own lives
reach their final culmination. For they are our inspiration and hope,
indicative of the strength we desire in a heartless and cruel world.
Yes it has brought me down, I awoke at 6am on the 11th to watch
everything, i just wanted to be alone though, so i pretty much stayed to
myself all day, i dont want to become depressed, but I know that is the
only way I can feel it fully, yet still I resist it because as much as I
want to feel its intensity, I fear that same intensity and what it might
do to me even more so. Believe it or not I still have not faced the
truth about the day, I conceal myself from it, yet feel it seeking me,
approaching me, and following me, and I am tired of being followed by the
insinuations of that day, so I let my emotions fall victim to its
clutches and gave myself up to letting it catch me, and it has devoured
me. I was numb to it at first, you think about a small specific aspect
or fact concerning it all, and you think about it so much for so long
that you begin to struggle with it and it wrestles with you in a sense,
you get a brief glimpse inside the understanding of that particular
occurrence or thought and then it vanishes, as quickly as it came, and
you are left wondering about it all over again, trying to comprehend
meaning, its purpose, its relevance. Its too enormous to get a handle on
alone, but when we all join hands with family and friends, together we
can reach all the way around it, encompass it and get a control on and
over it, thats why its so critical that we have a foundation to lean
upon. And out of optimism I say that some of the most positive things
the world has ever known and conceived of have resulted from tragedies of
astronomical proportions, its just for us to determine in our hearts
whether or not the benefits are worth all the difficulty of getting to
them, because I firmly believe that as diminished as you find yourself
spiritually emotionally and psychologically because of a certain
something, is the equivalent of how exceedingly positive and productive
you will eventually become, its not something thats true or false, its
just based upon whether you believe in it or not, and I happen to believe
that you will reap the equivalent reversal of the pain, anger and loss
that you submit yourself to.
I listen to the stories of people, the victims, over and over
again, they are all different, you try to ascertain if they have overcome
that horrific day, and if so, how, we listen to them continuously to try
to find some sort of meaning or practical reasonsing to apply to our own
selves, and these stories will be told for the rest of our lives. I make
no reservations to say that we will be listening to them and reading
about them for the same reasons then as we do right now, to try to
decipher their logic, which is nothing but obsolete, for it contains
nothing that logic possesses within itself. You try to reach to its core
and uncover its truth, but its just inconceivable, its immersed in far
too much carnage and destruction, of lives, of moral, of faith, of
healing., I can accept that it happened, but the stories, the facts, the
people jumping, the men who bore children after they died, seeing the
faces of people in the windows moments before their lives would reach
their culmination and fulfillment, and I dont know what hurts more,
believing they have no idea that they are about to die, or seeing them
and knowing that they understand that they are about to die and perish in
those buildings, the people who almost got out but didnt, the people who
could have escaped but chose not to, the people who could have survived
but couldnt be found, its just awful, those are just a few things that
deeply penetrate your soul beyond all else, the stories, the realities,
and we will forever maintain within ourselves specific pictures that we
remember, an instance on that day that has found permanance in our soul,
penetrating so deeply, that the soul accepts it as part of its very own
being. Personally speaking, I cannot tolerate the stories of those who
called home to speak with wives and husbands and children, mothers and
fathers, letting them know they were about to die, but that they loved
them and would miss them, too never forget about them, but to remember
them and understand that it must be there time to go, that it cant be
changed, that their death is imminent and insurmountable to prevention.
I just cant imagine what those families must have endured. Tragic.
Abhorable tragedy. Although, something so dramatic doesnt cause you to
wonder why people come out of these situations with a new found
understanding and perspective about themselves and the lives they lead.
They, the victims, have to be instilled with resiliency and persistence
though dont they? Or how then do they survive, how would they continue?
Ii guess its something similar to the more difficult things are for you,
the higher you have to reach to find your way out, the further you have
to climb to alleviate the oppression upon your soul, and for that it is
all the more difficult, but also in a sense and simultaneously, the more
desperate you become to live and overcome all that attempts to encompass
your life, whereby you fight ferociously in order that you reject
succumbing to the evil that seeks to annihilate you.
But we cant dwell on the cause, we need to come to a resolution
internally, as communities and families and nations, with it, and utilize
that which we obtain from that resolution to find solution and repair and
rejuvination, however i think we do understand why they did it and THATS
why no one can believe it. They actually hated someone so much that they
could go so far as destory thousands of lives and millions of hearts.
But again, the more deplorable the evil one, the more in need are they of
forgiveness and reconciliation.
Nevertheless, im improving now, it was hard last
wednesday, i taped about 24 hours of video on four tapes, still uncertain
of the memories, pictures in our minds, specific and direct, that we will
never forget, embedded within us, and surrounded by our logic and
perception, if any may even be applied to such circumstances. The
hardest things are recalling the many who spoke to loved ones for the
last time, knowing they would die, the fathers who bore children,...after
they were long since deceased, that which I eluded to previously. You
think you obtain insight for a brief second, into the meaning and
relevance of it all, until it escapes you without notice, without
warrant, and you revert back to where you initially began, attempting to
ascertain the implications that consume it. Strife must be permissable,
I think I would eventually feel a sense of strangulation if I continued
to avoid being embroiled by the cicumstances of that particular day.
But I have no intention but to produce as much positivity as i can derive
from it, hopefully we will as a world be capable of being immeasurably
more productive and uplifting than the amount of such that day actually
stole from us all.
I spoke to this woman in a chat room who lost her fiance and
father in the towers that collapsed, i mean its difficult enough to
endure it all when you werent even present, though you still feel as if
you were a part of it, but contemplate what they must tolerate, the
feelings that must beckon them to just give up and let it overtake them,
suddenly your own struggles become severely diminished and profoundly
irrelevant in the midst of their deplorable suffering and immediately you
make every attempt by which to comfort them, reassure them, offer them
understanding and perspective. Its essential that they have as much
encouragment as feasible, in a sense we mourn because they mourn, and
when their mourning has reached its culmination, we can all overcome this
together, but until then, the thought of their daily struggle is almost
unbearable and inconceivable, but trying to assist her is therapeutic in
a sense, because you give more than your all to reassure them, you pour
your heart out to them because they are worth your very last bit of hope
and determination. I hope to encounter others who were directly
affected, even as it prolongs my mourning, it makes it more tolerable
while focusing on another rather than yourself, its funny how when you
neglect your own needs during your greatest needs, that you find yourself
to actually be less in need.
And to the families and friends that lost loved ones, I say this. Permit me to provide you with a few words of encouragement, while conveying my support, though all of you, including your remarkable lost loved ones, are deserving of exceedingly more.
They were undoubtedly heroic individuals, not only to their children and familes, but to the world who never had the opportunity to know such profoundly wonderful humanity. It's important to acknowledge that they were heroes, our heroes, but even more significant is to understand exactly what a hero signifies. A hero symbolizes that which we wish we ourselves were, and one day hope to become, someone who provides inspiration and instills within us a resiliency to become better people and more productive human beings. They reach into our souls and find a place there reserved for them alone, a place we can always look to in search of a revitalized solace and tranquility. A place we can resort to in moments of despair, and utilize to acquire limitless strength and courage. They alleviate our sorrow and establish within each of us a resonating sense of hope and promise. And finally, a hero, your hero, is someone who can give to you, in their loss, everything they did while they were here, someone who holds the capacity to console you and be there with you, even when they are not. Your father, mother, daughter, son, grandparents, friends, husbands and wives, have and will continue to possess the equivalent of these attributes, and undoubtedly exemplify them in their entirety. Their unfortunate passing will never diminish the transcending presence and purpose they have in all of your lives, rather you will find it accentuated with time and, subsequently, fulfilling to have been blessed with the privilege of having them as not only a loved one, but a very best friend. I anticipate that you will continue to live and progress forward through their extraordinary love, as they live and remain through your sincere memories and prayers.
Concluding, find satisfaction that your bereaved loved on, indicative of their nature, gave their lives, in some way or another, as an exemplary sacrifice to others, for there is nothing more noble and honorable contained in all the earth. This cannot be reiterated nor emphasized adequately. Never hesitate to remember that it is better to give your life for another, than to save your life for your own self. These couragesous men and women, firefighters especially, not only believed in these words, they lived by them, and their deliberate actions of generosity and humbleness, along with the other victims that all saw the face of God that day, will serve to uplift and uphold millions of us for years to come. They became, on that single fateful morning, what most people can never become during the entirety of their lives! A hero, and that will be the most amazing memory each of them have left to you of themselves. Let the smile they shine down upon you with, be a reflection of your own selves that you share with, and display to the world. Let us now join together and overcome these atrocities, with undeterred peace and unparalleled love, for humanity and the world we call home.