nmah3002.xml

nmah3002.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-10

I was checking my email on September 11th, sitting in my cube at the Air Force office I supported. As a defense contractor, I work in Alexandria with AF officers and support a bigger directorate at the Pentagon. Although we're often at the Pentagon for briefs or meetings, our office is in two large buildings leased by the DoD. The network administrator - affectionately known as the 'high-tech redneck' for his computer support with a southern drawl - ran in and told us about the trade centers.

We were confused, but quickly tried to check CNN.com and debated what had happened. Was it an accident? Was it terrorists? Who was next? One officer said, "If I was in the Pentagon, I'd get the f*** out of there." I thought he was silly. The trade centers were obviously a financial target and I thought I would evacuate any building of trade or commerce. He is the intell guy, and I'm not - for obvious reasons.

I tried to get on the phone to my sister. I figured she could watch TV for me, since our internet connection was not working well. My sister wouldn't get out of bed, "Amanda! I have class in two hours!" but finally pulled herself upstairs to the TV in my parents' home. Once she turned on the tv, she realized how serious it was.

Meanwhile, the ranking officers were on travel that day, and a few mid-level guys decided we should call the Pentagon and figure out what to do. When nobody answered at our directorate's office, two coworkers ran out of the building to get into the gym and see an up-to-the-minute CNN report. They didn't get very far, because the smoke was already coming from the Pentagon.

They ran back in the office, and all I heard was "The Pentagon's been hit! We're being attacked!" I told my sister I had to go because we decided to evacuate. I ran out of the building in my navy suit with red blouse and navy shoes. I'll never forget the fact that I was wearing patriotic colors that day - and I felt like I shouldn't for a while after that lest I create bad luck.

Once I turned the corner of the building, I started shaking. The sky was perfect blue and the smoke was so black. I've never seen smoke that black and I thought the whole Pentagon must be gone.

My cell phone began ringing like crazy - everyone back home in Wisconsin and Minnesota wanted to know I wasn't at the Pentagon. My former boss called - I told her I had to get my sister on the phone again. My best friend from college called - sobbing "Amanda are you okay? I'm so scared!" My mom heard the news and called my sister; since I wasn't on the phone anymore they both became worried. Mom panicked, thinking I was at the Pentagon in her confusion, and drove home from her work.

My sister and I reconnected while I was on the beltway driving home and watching the sky for planes. I was convinced there might be more looking for targets. My sister gave me every detail of the towers collapsing . . . "oh my God, it looks like they're exploding. Oh my God, they fell down. Amanda, they fell down." I arrived in my apartment, but I did not have a television so my sister kept repeating what she heard on the news word for word. My mom finally got on the phone and I don't know what she said because she was breathing too hard and sobbing.

I almost cried then, but I was too shaky.

I ran to the leasing office to watch a tv, but they didn't have one. "Don't you work there?" they asked "Yes," I said and walked out of the building.

Then I started picturing all the faces of my friends and coworkers and I wondered who was dead. And I kept shaking. It wasn't like a quick shiver or even chattering teeth. It was a constant, low-level quiver that wouldn't stop. I guess they call it terror for a reason.

I went back to my apartment, but I couldn't stand not being around people and I didn't have any news. The internet was clogged and my two neighbor girlfriends were still at work. I decided to go to my company worksite. I felt guilty leaving my apartment, because my grandma had asked me to stay home and stay safe. I decided to call my sister and tell her what I was doing in case family called and panicked again.

Traffic was terrible by then and I fought my way to the company site. I was afraid to park in the garages because I thought they might collapse on me if someone set off a truck bomb. I was afraid to go up in the elevators in case we got attacked and I couldn't get out. I was afraid to be on the seventh floor because I couldn't run out of the building as fast. I just couldn't stop shaking. We watched a little more of CNN and then had a meeting.

I don't remember the rest of the day at all. I don't know how I got home, when I got home, or what I did. I just remember that at 7 pm I finally was able to log onto my internet account and I saw the wreckage at the Pentagon. Then I started crying and I really didn't stop until November for more than a few hours at a time. I pictured all my friends and all my coworkers. In the end I would find out how lucky I was - nobody had died that I knew personally - but that night I made a mental list over and over again of all the people I had to pray for. It was impossible to stop shaking.

That night I finally fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning I really thought "I hope that didn't happen." It did, and I started shaking again on my way to work. But, I had to go because Secretary Rumsfeld said the DoD was back in business and I wanted to be tough.

Do you know what comforted me? I saw a mini-van on the way to work, and it reminded me of family and for some reason I felt better. After all, if mini-vans were out on the road, then family people were out on the road and things must be a little safer. It's crazy to think that helped, but it did and sometime that morning I stopped shaking.

Of course, my eye started twitching next. That happens if you cry all the time - and I did. I became obsessesed with checking the news reports on the internet and I cried every time I read one. It was a silent cry in my cubicle, but it was constant. I held it together until I would drive home and then I would sob all the way home. I think God sent an angel to drive my car for those weeks. My eye finally stopped twitching as I got myself back to the gym to work out some stress, but my hair fell out in abnormal amounts a few weeks later. I heard that happens after periods of tension.

So that is how September 11 happened to me. I am not going to cry this September, because I spent all last Fall being sad. I am still very angry but I decided to focus on what God has given me this year: perspective, a cancer-free Dad, two close girlfriends expecting their first child, and a career ahead of me protecting American freedoms.

I have more love and more hate.

I am eager to tour more of our country and see its beautiful places. Dream trips to Europe don't seem as exciting as weekend trips to New England.

I am determined to protect our freedoms and to help people around the world that want to expand their freedoms.

September 11th will be seen as the beginning of the end for religious fanaticism. There is no place for intolerant, unbalanced perversions of religion in our world.

It should also be a day that all Americans remember what we cherish in terms of freedom and family.

I am patriotic in a quiet way, and I fly a little flag in my cubicle that a coworker gave me. I also wear my "United in Memory" pin with a flag on it that I received at the October 11th Memorial Service at the Pentagon.

My feelings on the flag really haven't changed. Ever since 2nd grade, when I heard the story of Francis Scott Key and the Star Spangled Banner, I've found it a reassuring symbol.