nmah6384.xml

nmah6384.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2003-12-19

I woke up around 730 am on September 11, 2001. I felt this weird sense of anxiety, my husband had left for work already and I got a little nervous that I hadnt said goodbye to him. so I just got out of bed and started my day ignoring the anxious feelings. I turned on the tv for the kids to watch PBS and went about my morning. I guess it was around 9 I decided to put on Regis on channel 7 (NY) and saw the first WTC smoldering. I was aghast. I immediately called my husband who works in Manhattan. I didnt know how far away he was, but I knew he could see it from his window. I said "This poor pilot crashed his plane into the WTC! OMG i cant believe this, how terrible he must have felt when it crashed!" my husband took the cell to the roof outside his building and stayed on the line with me. I was watching footage of it at the same time. We talked about it and thought it was a freak accident how terrible. Then, as he was watching from the top of his building and as I was watching from tv at home, the second plane collided with the second WTC tower. My television went out, but a brief second before, I had seen a small plane near the burning tower, but I thought it was just another aircraft going past it, not realizing it had deliberately crashed into the WTC. I heard my husband go "Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?" and i was like no my tv is out the cable just went out. He said "No, Barbara, thats not the cable. Another plane just crashed in to the second tower. This is deliberate, Barbara. This is terrorism." a new term to me, I said "someone is trying to start a war?" He said yes and he would be on the next train home and i was to call LIRR and see if the trains are running on time. So we hung up, I was numb. Then i called LIRR and no answer. So i tried calling my husband back and I got no answer. I started to cry a little, but not fully realizing anything yet, I was still composed. Then the neighbor kid came over and told me that planes are missing all over USA and one crashed in Washington into the Pentagon. I freaked and started to cry and shake, now fully realizing that someone had started a war on American soil. no one does that, I thought, and someone had. Someone tried to kill the president. They are going to kill us all, we are under attack and we are unprepared. Planes are going to crash into everything. I panicked and even more so that I hadn't heard from my husband. I couldnt take care of my children, i had to put PBS on for them, I couldnt watch tv anymore. I called my neighbor home to sit with me, I was a mess. Finally after a few hours of not knowing whether or not my husband was alive or where he had gone since they evacuated everyone. i thought the empire state building was next, and he was right in the shadow of the empire state building. Finally I thought, gee I should email him, he might still be in the office. So i did, and good thinking. But he was leaving since he had the same thinking, that the empire state building was next. he said not to worry he was leaving and i should email him in two hours, he was going to a friends house in manhattan to be safe since he couldnt get home because the trains were not running. I was scared and we talked on instant messenger for a while before he left. He said he was leaving and not to be scared. I told him may God and Goddess walk with him when he walks through the hard times. neither of us said goodbye as he logged off. we didnt want to say goodbye because we knew there would be no goodbye, he was coming home. I lit two candles I had set aside for the Sun and Moon, one blue with a blue stone embedded in it that Ben had made, and one yellow with a yellow stone...twin candles that we used only once, and they happened to be pillar candles. I placed them tearfully on the stove and lit them in honor of the families and victims. They did not stop burning until 11 pm. Hours went by and I couldnt find him. I was a crying heaving mess. I was emailing and emailing and I couldnt get a hold of him. Finally around 630 he called me saying he was getting a train home and to pick him up at 730. I almost jumped for joy but started to cry for all those lost souls and how dare I be happy, someone out there doesnt have a wife, husband, daughter, brother, unlce, aunt, son, grandmother grandfather......how could i be happy? And I wasnt, but I thanked God that he was alright. I picked up my husband and he cried and cried into my arms. I doubled over and felt like someone had stabbed me with a knife, those poor people. Later on, I learned children and pregnant women were killed too, something I hadnt thought of, and I couldnt stop doubling over every single hour. The next 24 hours i couldnt stop that stabbing feeling and Id almost throw up. Id be alright for a little while, moping on my couch, then all of a sudden id bawl loudly and double over. You would have thought I lost someone. But the whole world lost people, and I think that is what I was feeling. I was feeling the pain of the families, and that was a tremendous feeling, something that i couldnt stop and i almost couldnt live through.

Yes, my life has changed. I slowed down a little and made more time for family and helping others. It touched me that we all pulled together and didnt create more chaos from chaos....I vowed to always help anyone at anytime, everywhere if i could. I am a nurse, i was a nurse at this time and felt such guilt that I couldnt be down there helping. I send food and clothes and whatever i could instead. I am definetly a more giving person, although i was caring and giving back then, i will never look through the same innocent eyes again. There is a part of life that was somehow erased forever that day in 2001. I cannot go back to before that day, i will never know the innocent happiness i felt before that day, from now on, i now know the suffering and know, we are never truly safe.

I think the generosity, compassion, caring, helpfulness, unselfishness of new yorkers should be remembered forever. How we pulled together in this immense time of need and how wonderful we gave unselfishly to strangers.

Oh yes i did! My feelings havent changed for the flag, i still fly it with pride. i put bumper stickers on and made ribbons for my neighbors and myself in red white and blue.