nmah464.xml

nmah464.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-08-28

Forgive this journal entry as I am in shock. The clinical state.

On the PATH train there was a mysterious announcement: "look out the window." I
did. The World Trade center looked like an old cigarette ad.... smoke streaming
from the two towers. I thought of the 1930 plane crash at the empire state
building. Was it one plane or two? An accident or an attack?

They had us get out a stop earlier then I usually do. Basically we were not
allowed close to the Hudson river. Across the river, maybe a tenth of a mile,
the towers were burning.

I carry field glasses to watch the falcon's on my office building. I took them
out and began to watch. Several floors of the north tower were burning
intensely already. The south tower was clearly missing a large portion in its
middle.

Debris began to fall. With the field glasses I realized the debris was people
jumping from the north tower. Maybe the 90th floor. One afer another they
cartwheeled out. More and more smoke billowed out. Fires around the towers base
was evident.

I watched.

Reports came in of the other attacks.... refugees shuttled across the river by
ferries started telling about what it was like in the buildings when the planes
hit. People saw the second plane coming and no one believed it was going to
hit, but it did.

A blast billowed out from the base of the south tower. I was jostled and the
south tower was obscured. A huge cloud rolled from the base of the towers. I
regained my position and the south tower was gone. Just not there. I watched
the north tower still pretty much believing the other tower was simply
obscured. The fires burned more intensely. The radio tower on top of the
building seemed to list...but didn't fall. And then that tower imploded. The
woman beside me with her dog grabbed me an wept. Another dog passed by and the
dogs fought. I stood and tried to accept that the skyline was now flat where
the towers had been. I pulled the dogs fighting apart and mentally thanked them
for their perspective.

I glanced at my building. There on it's facade was the falcon I call Gray
perched quietly.

Jersey City just closed down. No trains. No busses to anywhere useful. Hours of
aimless wandering later I took the only buss running - to Secacus. I sat for 7
hours at a Home Depot. My wife was stuck on the highway at the Meadowlands
Sports arena. A van appeared to be full of explosives and they'd closed Route 3
with her on it. I started walking toward her but cops stopped me.

I ended up in a the restaurant of a hotel on the highway with a mixture of
other refugees. A kid from Alabama who'd been to the WTC yesterday for
training. An EMS worker up from central New Jersey who was telling anyone that
would listen that 26 of the men from his unit were now missing (500 firemen too
he guessed, "The radios just kept clicking. You see you thumb the talk button
when you are trapped."). A neighbor of mine that worked in the building across
from WTC that had abandoned his SUV at the roof top parking lot when they were
engulfed by the rolling cloud debris.

The highway reopened....16 hours later I arrived home (my neighbor in the back
seat in worse shock then myself). Still trying to get over the realization that
there is no more WTC. My son will never see the view from the top. Trying to
deal with the picture in my mind of the human beings cartwheeling from the 90th
floor...one...two..three...four five....


Other random thoughts:
My brother and sister who works in the WTC area took a long time to
locate...both are alive.

The bar tender at the resturant was too cool feeding me for free and hooking my
neighbor up with me...I knew the guys house but never met him before. I called the hotel later and told them about the bar tender's kindness.

The EMS guy said they'd stopped a van with chemical weapons at Patterson plank
road (a mile away).

The Alabama kid had digital pictures of the WTC from the day before. He was
supposed to be there today.

My two closest NYPD friends are MIA....but not their beat so probably
just at the site.

Aftermath:
My NYPD friends turned up. They worked insane shifts for a long time
but all ok. The truck full of explosives on the highway was real, but
legitimate commercial transport. Jersey City became the loading dock for the
search/rescue efforts and I worked a fair bit loading boats and feeding
workers. Never found out if the EMS huys story was true, but from my NYPD friends it was implied there were things that people were not being told.

My life has changed in small ways, my commute is still greatly affected and I still consistantly face a lot more security.

But mostly I've changed inside. The hole in the skyline still brings on a rush of sadness. I can't shake the feeling that everything is the victim of its most negative aspects. All chains are only as strong as their weakest link. That angry destructive people are far more influential then the gentler majority. I am far more suspicious of broad beliefs that rally people like religion and patriotism.

That a lot of good people died. That people rallied together to try and work things out afterwards. My days working loading the boats and feeding the workers showed me the better parts of the human spirit.

I did fly a flag in solidarity with those that died and those trying to help.

I've come to strongly resent blind nationalism. The wife of a fireman who died said, when asked if she wanted to see those responsible dead, "I know the last thing my husband would have wanted is for his lifelong efforts to save people to lead to people being killed." Those are'nt her exact words but close.
I don't want people hurting me and I don't want to hurt other people. When I see an American flag now I wince because usually it is flying in the spirit of nationalism. I don't give a hoot about any particular country/political body, I want to live right and others to be given the same chance. Patriotism is supposed to be about those beliefs but often leads to one system of beliefs feeling it has the right/duty to subdue another "wrong" system. There has to be another way.