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story1470.xml

born-digital

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2002-08-26

This is my journal regarding the events and aftermath of September 11, 2001



September 11, 2001 (9am)
I normally stroll into work on the 17th floor of the World Trade Center (Tower 2) around 9:15am. Around 9am on Tuesday, September 11, 2001, I was on the express bus going to work and we had just gotten to the toll plaza of the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel when someone exclaimed that there was smoke coming from the world trade center.

I looked up from my book to see a huge plume of smoke blowing south east off of WTC 1. I am one of the fire wardens on my floor and my first reaction was to grab my cell phone to make sure my co-workers knew what was going on and that they were getting out of the office. The answering message picked up. Someone reported that a plane had hit WTC 1. We all began to talk about it thinking it was a small commuter style plane or even a stunt plane that had had an accident. There are many stupid people who have tried stunts involving the WTC and we speculated this was one gone horribly wrong. I saw what at the time I thought was a helicopter go towards and behind the buildings.

I was trying to call my husband and was looking at my phone when I heard faint thunder. Someone screamed. I looked up to see a huge ball of orange fire, like a mini atomic blast, engulf the top quarter of MY building. I remember exclaiming "Oh my God! I work there!" and then the bus got very dark. After a split second of panic I realized it was because we had just entered the Battery Tunnel (the bus was an older model with small windows and the driver had the internal lights off). With one voice we, the passengers, began screaming to the bus driver - "Stop! Don't go in! Where did he think he was going anyway?" He kept driving forward.

He stopped after a minute or two, when the traffic ground to a halt. We were stuck, could not go forwards or back. The last thing any of us had seen was Hell being unleashed on our friends and colleagues (this was a downtown only bus - all the passengers worked in the financial district). Panic and confusion broke out. My cell phone had a signal, but I could not get a line out to call anyone. People were screaming that we were being bombed, yelling at the driver to let them out of the bus or to back out. I truly thought I was going to die - underground and in the dark.

Every day, twice a day, I passed through this tunnel, 150 feet below the river - and at least a few times a week would morbidly daydream about what might happen if a terrorist attack occurred while I was down there. Wouldn't taking out the river crossings be a logical attack pattern sure to cause many deaths and wreak long-term havoc? My worst-case scenarios normally included rushing fire enveloping and flooding water crushing everything in its path. I was terrified that I was about to find out if my predictions were right. My world narrowed to trying to dial my cell phone and chanting in my head "Get us out of here, get us out of here, get us out of here..."

A lot of the passengers were crowding the driver yelling at him or pleading with him to let them off the bus. Some were trying to make calls, I heard one woman praying. I don't remember anyone crying. I have no memory of the driver making any sort of an announcement to us or giving us any information. I got very angry with him one minute and then the next thought how horrible for him, just a regular Joe, driving his bus and suddenly he holds the lives of 30 people in his hands.

After a while the driver, without saying a word to us, left the bus. While we all assumed he was going to try and get some info on what he should do, we were all mad that he had left without a word. A few passengers tried to open the door, but the driver had somehow secured it.

An SUV came towards us from the Manhattan side. One of the passengers got into the busdriver's seat and began honking the horn. The SUV paused by the driver's window. Word began to filter back through the bus that the towers had been struck by commercial jetliners and that city was under attack and being bombed.

I was now certain I was going to die and heard a roaring in my ears, felt a squeezing in my chest and my face and extremities got all pins and needley. I began to ask the other passengers with phones if they could get a call out because I needed to speak to my husband. No one was getting out although everyone kept trying. I didn't want to die without being able to say good-bye!

We must have been in the tunnel about 45 - 50 minutes when we felt the tunnel vibrate. In my mind's eye I imagined a huge white cloud rushing through the tunnel at us like in movies I had seen about nuclear holocausts. Later I saw replays of the collapse on TV and the clouds of dust and debris rushing through the canyon-like downtown streets looked just what I had pictured in my head. I realized then that the vibration I had felt was Tower 2 collapsing, but at the time it happened I was clueless and thought the tunnel was going to break up.

Just after that, the driver returned to the bus and began to back us out of the tunnel. We cheered him then - let me tell you! I was never so relieved as when I saw daylight beginning to filter in the windows. We cleared the tunnel and we applauded our driver as he began to turn the bus back into Brooklyn. Cell phones began to ring, but still no one could get a call out. We all noticed a huge white cloud just beginning to spread out over the toll plaza from across the river. Looking into it I saw something sparkly all through the plume that was heading towards us. "What is that shit?" I said pointing and just then a lady on the her cell phone cried out that the Pentagon had been bombed and the man in the seat in front of me said that WTC 2 had collapsed.

That news sort of went in one ear and out the other as I thought they meant the top that was burning had come away. The word 'war' began to be tossed around and I wondered aloud if the sparkly cloud I had seen was maybe poison gas (it was in fact a mix of fiberglass, asbestos, metal, glass and paper from the WTC 2 collapse - we are getting papers in lawns here from the explosion, I'm tempted to see if any are from my office - NOT). The driver sped through side streets as I continued to try to get through to my husband, Gerry. Finally we came to my stop and I ran home. I was shaking like a leaf and dashed to the house phone. I dialed my husband's work number and turned the TV on to NY1. The clock on my cable box said 10:25.

There was a picture on the screen of what looked like the same image I had first seen from the bus - smoke pouring from the top of WTC 1. I did not see WTC 2 but assumed it was due to the angle of the shot, which was from the north. I was not listening to the audio since the phone was connecting my call.

Gerry answered the phone. "I'm OK," I blurted out. He began to sob immediately. We spent a minute frantically re-assuring each other we were OK and then I had to hang up to call everyone else. I tried my parents in FL but got a circuit busy signal. I knew I could reach them online so tried to call Barbara (my birth Mother) in the Bronx. She picked up and was freaking out. I was staring at the TV reassuring her that I was Ok, when suddenly Tower 1 collapsed.


I remember screaming "Oh my God!" and then the realization hit me that there was nothing BEHIND WTC 1. I began to scream incoherently into the phone - "it's gone!" and "everyone I know is dead!" The next thing I knew I was sitting on the floor by my bathroom and sobbing and gasping. Barbara was shouting through the phone, which I had dropped at some point - I'm sure she thought I was under attack or dying. I was pretty hysterical. I had not comprehended what I had heard earlier when they said that WTC 2 had collapsed. How could I comprehend it? It was incomprehensible! There were things I needed to bring home from my cubicle, my pets (2 frogs and a crab) needed to be fed and my plants watered! I spent more time in that place than I did in my own home - how could it be GONE?!

When I could halfway function again I told her I was not hurt but that all my friends might be dead and hung up on her. Not the best thing to do, but I was hardly thinking straight. I began to page through my cell phone's directory, praying I had someone from work's home number in it. I had one number; I had to dial 5 times before the call got through. I asked for Gygi and, praise the Goddess, she was there. She sounded as bad as I did and I asked if she had been there. She then realized who she was speaking to and told me yes and that everyone had gotten out. "But, did they get away?" I asked. Gygi said she did not know because she ran for the Brooklyn Bridge the second she got to the street. Before she hung up she re-assured me that everyone HAD gotten out. I sobbingly thanked her and told her how glad I was she was alive.

I then tried my folks in FL again and got through this time.

Still shaking, I next thought of my 2 best friends, one of whom works at Verizon across from Tower 1. I knew his habits and knew he would have been getting to work around the same time I normally do. I could not raise him on any of his contact numbers and even went to his apartment down the hall on the off chance he was home. No luck, so I went downstairs to my other best friend's door. I knew she had no reason to be in the downtown area so I was not concerned for her safety as much as I needed to have someone with me. There was no answer from her door either.

I was beginning to feel the waves of bad panic threaten to overwhelm me again and knew I needed to be DOING something. I grabbed my laptop and got online and began to contact everyone on my work address book to try and locate my friends and co-workers in the building. I began connecting to folks and we began to spin an info web, with me in the center. One by one folks checked in safely. The home office in London left me a voice message asking me to call in if I was able - they were doing a head count of survivors from across the ocean. We swapped info on whom we had found and my spirits began to climb as the number grew.

This continued into Wednesday. I dropped into bed around 5:30am Wednesday and was back online less than 2 hours later, trying to locate people, keep communications flowing and making sure my online campus was still running and my clients' needs were covered. Other friends from the WTC began to check in as well and I began to ride a real high. By 6pm Wednesday we had accounted for all our people and only 3 had been injured enough to need immediate medical attention, but essentially, we were whole.

Wednesday night I finally stopped for the first time. Then the reality of what had happened finally caught up with me. I had spent 2 days just surviving - doing what I needed to do to get from moment to moment, but not really being IN any moment long enough to process it. Wednesday night was very bad. I finally passed out (literally) around 5:30am - but was up again by 9am Thursday.

Thursday I spent reaching out to folk. Talking and swapping stories. Friends and colleagues validating each other's nightmares and miracles. Learning about the folks I know that didn't make it - no one in my immediate circle but in my extended one there have been losses. 3 confirmed and at least 5 more still unaccounted for. It has been a roller coaster day, with highs and lows - once again as night approached I knew I would not be able to sleep until exhaustion claimed me with a dreamless blank time. I am still waiting for that to happen as the one thing I know I won't be able to handle is lying quietly and letting my mind drift. Drifting is definitely not an option yet - too many bogeymen in my head. I need oblivion or activity. So I decided to get my story down. It has helped to focus on the events from a factual reference rather than to just relive the feelings yet again.

I thank the God and Goddess for my good fortune and for showing me how very loved I really am!
(The above entry was written 9/14/01)


Tuesday 9/11/01 @ 6pm
Well I have heard from some friends who were at ground zero. So far I have lost no one! But many workmates are still officially not accounted for. From one of my team members I heard that security would not let folks out of the concourse of WTC2 - she was pressed up against the glass looking out at the plaza until she saw the bodies falling from Tower 1. That was when folks stormed out despite the security people. Everyone was still standing around by Century 21 and Brooks Brothers on Church Avenue when the second plane hit - so I am afraid folks may have got caught in the collapse even though they made it out of the building fine.

My best friend who was missing has checked in as well! He had gotten to the WTC right when the plane hit Tower 1 and somehow got into his office anyway (dumb shit!) after he made a few calls he left again and saw the plane hit Tower 2 - as the debris was falling (he witnessed a woman get sliced up by falling glass) he ran like the wind, by the time he got onto the Brooklyn Bridge Tower 2 was collapsing.

My friend who worked up on the 75th floor of the building, who I was very afraid was dead, has also checked in! Luckily since Tower 1 was hit first she got out as well - but barely before WTC 2 went down! She was on the stairs when the plane hit and went tumbling down a flight of steps with 10 other people on top of her.

My company (Pearson ed in London is our parent co) has been aggressively been trying to locate everyone, so far about 1/5th of our employees have checked in ok and the Pearson ed building in midtown has become an emergency space for folks to crash, locate family and get counseling.

My husband still cannot get home. He just called me and managed to get to Queens but now is stuck there!

Thursday, 9/13
Everything is sinking in and now I am so sad and depressed. I should be happy and yet I am not. I mean I AM happy that all my people are OK, but I can't help but feel as though the world will never be the same and I am mourning stupid shit that I should not care about right now. I keep thinking about my personal stuff lost and places I will never go or sights I will never see again. I keep reliving my moments of panic and get mad at myself cause I know it is over and I am safe but I feel scared and hopeless tonight. I have been keeping myself so busy during the days trying to be a good soldier and being a communications hub for my colleagues until the temp HQ got themselves together. Now that I know everyone is safe and I do not really need to be on top of everything cause everyone is in the know now it is hard to deal. I am scared to go to sleep, but all I am doing by staying up is making myself more miserable. Every time I turn the TV off or to a non-news channel I get very, very nervous and anxious until I put the news on again, which only makes me feel worse.

I am supposed to travel to Trenton Saturday to my cousin Julie's baby shower - a joyous event, but now I do not want to go. I am afraid to get on the subway and go into the city to get a train. The thought of going into the city frightens me. The thought of being underground in the subway terrifies me - I hate feeling like this.

I feel so stupid for being all fucked up like this - and guilty when so many other NYers are SO, SO much worse off than I am. Although no one I work with is currently missing (although I think some of my clients are now dead, but do not know and will not know for some time) friends and colleagues have friends and family who ARE missing. Its all a bit much. Am I just being a drama queen and making myself a victim?

Sorry for dumping but I cannot remember when I have felt so miserable - Gerry has to work in the morning so he went to bed long ago and I am so pissed at him for not being with me and comforting me right now, but he has also had his own trauma to deal with and has to be up at 5 am so why am I being such a bitch about it?


Friday, September 14, 2001
I finally passed out around 8am only to be up again by 9am. I have had @ 8 hours sleep in the last 93 hours. I can't sleep - it won't come. I just spent the last few hours with my friend Sue, who runs the BMCC command center at ground zero (Borough of Manhattan Community College) - that is where the morgue and rescue coordination center is. She has just come off a 72 hour tour of duty in Hell. I have heard way too much to write it all. The reassuring thing I learned is that my neighborhood should be safe from *targeted* attacks as we have a heavy Mideast population. The areas around us - Newkirk Ave, 3rd Ave and Coney Island Ave are where many cell members are so they will not hit here as far as terror attacks go. OTOH, A mob tried to burn down the corner smoke shop yesterday (run by quite nice and innocent Arab-Americans) and there were 2 shootings at Brooklyn College tonight and 9 bomb threats there this week so far - BC is a block away. The bombs were all fake, but the one at the port authority was real. The GWB bomb scare was not real, but bin Laden's guys were there testing security.

Our building is incredibly diverse with Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Christians, Sikhs, Pagans - we are the true melting pot here. We did a candle vigil outside earlier tonight and many tenants came out to share stories - it is amazing how many people are directly affected by this here. I had a chance to reach out to some of the Muslim neighbors as I'm sure they feel they are a target for retaliation. We really will need to band together in the coming months for our mutual protection.

If anyone wants to send encouraging notes to the rescue battalions they can be emailed to anewoman@yahoo.com - they will get them and they will mean a lot the the volunteers and regulars alike. Feel free to pass that email on to others wanting to offer encouragement.

I still cannot believe all this...

Monday, 9/17/01
Honestly, it has been tough. Each day I would hear of another associate still missing - which at this point is the way we say dead in NYC. No one says they are dead, just missing... Sat night I had a *huge* scary panic attack - never had one before in my life and I though my mind had slipped off the track for good, so Sunday I went to see my Dr who took one look at me and put me on anti-anxiety meds. They work great - I do not feel doped up or anything like that, but it takes the edge off the constant anxiety. Today was my first day back into the city, I had a choice of 2 hours underground on the subway or 2 minutes through the damned tunnel. I chose the tunnel for 2 reasons - 1- get back on the horse etc and 2 - there was no way in hell I was ready for 2 hours underground --especially with the trains stopping between stations for 20 minutes at a time while "police investigations" (read as bomb threats) go on. That would have been way too much, I'll work up to the train...

So, even on the meds I had another panic attack on the bus and in the tunnel. I kept a walkman on and my eyes closed and my dear hubby came with me and was great at helping me manage the panic and fear. Going through lower Manhattan was awful -even though I kept my eyes shut the smell of the burning was strong and thick - very bad! By the time I got off the bus I felt as if I had run a marathon! BUT I DID IT!

It was wonderful to be reunited with my co-workers and give everyone hugs. Also interesting to see how different everyone is in their reactions to all this. For some it was devastation, for others just another day, let's get back to work! Some of us swapped horror stories, offered comfort and a sense of not being alone in all this. One friend gave us a gift in the news that she is expecting. I hugged her and cried, but tears of joy this time.

For the record, not one person felt that I was not as much a victim of this as they were. It was pointed out to me, by more than one person, that I should not beat myself up for reacting with fear even though I was not in the building since THEY could run to save their lives while I was trapped for 45 minutes thinking death was coming to get me (yes those comments made to me did a lot of damage since I was so fragile at the time they were made, if he wants to claim that as *power* let him!). That helped since I *was* beating myself up. They provided counseling for us, but honestly all they did was throw a "so, you have post traumatic stress syndrome" pamphlet at us and urged us to seek private counseling. Supposedly the firm will pay for that and I have an apt set up for tomorrow. That panic attack scared the sh!t out of me since I was suicidal during it and I have NEVER NEVER remotely felt that way in my life! I do not feel that way now either - it was something purely chemical happening in my brain during the episode. So please shrink me, cause I never want to feel that way again!

We are supposed to go back to work on Thursday, but I think after that I will try to work from home for part of the time as I do not think I can handle an every day commute just yet. I will be there Thursday since it will be a strategy meeting. For now we will squat at Pearson in Midtown, our pres assured us that wherever the new digs are, we will be no higher than the 10th floor! They also said that we would be reimbursed for all personal property lost (that we had at work). Some folks lost wallets and cellphones, palm pilots etc (my boss had her tax rebate check there), I only lost my pets, my plant and a lot of personal, sentimental shit that was probably not worth more than $100 all together, so I will likely not make any claim on that.

One of my co-workers has her boyfriend down at ground zero and the scary thing is that when she and I compared notes as to what our contacts there were saying (my girlfriend is in command of the staging area at BMCC) - they were both telling us the exact same stuff - even down to which was the only train cleared sabotage wise (the C train in case any NYers are curious). So on the one hand it was validation, but on the other hand makes me more scared than ever since they are telling us some pretty serious, scary stuff about what they all feel is coming our way.

The ride back home was not nearly as bad as on the way in. I was definitely anxious, but not panicked; and as soon as we were past the tunnel and back in Brooklyn I was able to doze a bit. Gerry says he is very proud of me :-)

I think I am proud of myself too, it will only get easier now each time and I truly feel I will be OK, after the last few days I had my doubts!

So while it was a hard day in some respects it was a good day in others! I am hoping this was enough to allow me to sleep, since it has been 6 days now that I have been averaging only 2 1/2 hours sleep in every 24...

*Still* a survivor!

L'Shanah Tovah to those of you still counting on the old calendar!