story9066.xml

story9066.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2003-02-17

I was sitting across from Ingrid in the office. Everything was quiete because it was before 9:30. You learn to enjoy this when you work in a modeling and talent agency. Ingrid and I lived together and just like many mornings we walked from our apartment on 16th and 8th to the office on 21st and Broadway. When people desribe the sky that day they are not exaggerating. IT was radiant blue. Almost too perfect or as though you yourself were in a glorified NYC movie.

We sat there drinking coffee and reading the Post. The phone rang and the day began. It was Alison from Log Island who had formerky worked in the office had to leave because she was 8 months pregnant. "Nu ah." Igrid said as she moved her eyes toward me. I went back to my paper trying not to be nosey at the conversation. When you work for the world of drama you associate with dramatic people (not excluding myself). I didn't want to eaves drop so I went back to my Post. Ironic pertaining to eavesdroping, huh? Anyway, she then turned t ome and said "Aplane went into the World Trade Center". My mind immediatley romanticized the Tower into some far off place. I'd lived in NYC a little less than a year and that isn't enough time to feel familial yet. She hadn't said something about The Twin Towers I had run towards for the past 11 months. I guess what happened was my mind objectified them. It's like if someone tells you your friend dies but they use their ful proper name and all of the sudden there is a space between you two.

We turned on the radio which was tuned to Howard Stern. He was a familiar voice that had the ability to exude light heatedness no matter what the subject. His delivery and candidness was impressive. I wanted to see what was happening. I felt like a blind rat trapped in a room with spiked walls that was getting smaller and smaller. Somehow I knew that if I could just see what was happening everything would be under control more.

Ingrid told me that the casting office down the hall had a tv and I lept leaving her there alone to watch the phones. I didn't want to leave her alone. However, she thought that someone should stay there and wait for any calls. So, I left.

There was one person in the tv room. We didn't acknowledge eachother. We just lazored in on the screen. Sure enough there they were. Only now they were SUBjective. MY Towers that I sweat towards so many times down the Hudson. I got to see the the second one hit. Yeah, aren't I special. In comes Ingrid and others from the casting office. We're about 7 now. The Tower falls. I notice through the second story window that the poeple on the Broadway who had stopped at opened doored cars to listen to the radio had started running uptown. Grown men amd women. By now the pentagon had been hit and the last plane crashed. What was happening. All of the sudden America felt so small. The pentagon my next door neighbor. A casting agent of about 57 years started wailing. Not crying. Wailing out groans and repeating"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Just then I remembered a book I had read about life. Nothing is good or bad. Things just are and you choose the reaction. Life is a game. I saw her choosing the sorrow and like others in the room felt resposible to balance that choice with peace. Breathing.


The TV screen now has a view of the Financial district from Staten Island. The entire tip of Manhattan is egulfed in Black Bruting smoke. Island Under Seige. I envision the black smoke coming finding my window adn darkness. But it never does and that's the worst of it. The wind that day just happened to be blowing East not North.

We stayed and cleaned and tried to get a hold of people. I got my dad on the phone and he said he was watching the news. I got a call from an ex of mine who had waited 5 years to call me. Not a happy traditional happy ending but an ending a couple of months later that was long over due.

Ingrid and a friend wanted to shop. They like many people find comfort in beautiful clothes and stores. For me it didn't work. A chocolate chip cookie did though. And unfortunatley still do which leads me to believe I have unresolved the experience. How do you resolve that experience? I am not a Christian. I don't think that Osama will go to hell. I know that he is no different from me and that I must forgive him because what I hate in him I hate in myself. Where does that leave you though? Confused.

A lot of people still are. We were instructed immediatley to buy and keep the economy going. Why? Why did this have to be a push into more unconsciousness than before. By about 4pm a bar near my apt was busy. I caught a glimpse of a girls smoking and elaboratley waving her arms. I couldn't imagine where her mind was. How she could smoke. Not 8 hrs earlier there were thousands of people downtown who would have given their life's savings for one clean breath. And then here she was choosing to breathe in ash.

This day I learned so much. I moved on Nov 25 th 2002. I'm now living in Loiusville, KY with my sister. I couldn't justify the business anymore nor my lifestyle. I had been changed. I love NYC. I feel blessed to have been a part of September 11th. Now I need to open the gift and use it.

Whoever is reading this, I love you. This website has turned my day into an intervention.