story5643.xml

story5643.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-11

I remember my husband waking me up, and I lay staring bleary eyed at the image on our television screen: the towers, standing tall and proud in the late summer morning, except one thing; one was burning like a raging inferno. I couldn't fathom what possibly could have happened. I've always thought of myself as a bit cynical, but that morning, in a tiny naive piece of my heart, I believed it was an accident. "It's an accident, how could they not have seen the building? Where they hurt? It's just an accident..." That's when the second one struck. I gasped, and clawed at my husband's shirt. "What was that? Was it a missile?" He replied, "No, hon, it was another plane."

At this point I am a wreck. I am howling from a place in my soul I never knew existed. "All those people, all those people" was all I could say, all I could think. I thought our world was coming to an end. I thought planes were going down every where. I was terrified. I ran into the hallway, calling for my mother (we live with my parents) in nothing but panties and a t shirt, completely oblivious to the fact that I had no pants on. I cried clinging to my mother, and that's when I heard my 10 month old daughter calling for me from her room.

I composed myself as best I could, and went in, and God, I hugged her so tight. My arms just would not let go. I was praying to God, and at the same time screaming at him, "How could you let this happen? How could you do this to us? How could you let me bring such a beautiful, wonderful child into a world like this?" I tried to stay calm as I changed her diaper and got her dressed, all the while my heart is racing. I would look at her beautiful face, her gummy smile with the two diamond perfect teeth, and my heart was breaking, my soul felt as if it were being torn out. What kind of a world had I brought her in to?

I brought her back in to my bedroom in time to watch the first tower collapse. I felt as if I was losing my mind as I screamed "All those people!" for what felt like the millionth time. My husband insisted that he still go to school. I drove him, since his leg had been broken in a football game 10 days earlier, and wept the whole drive. As he walked away from the car after kissing the both of us, I heard everyone scream on the radio as the second tower came down. I choked out a yell across the parking lot "Babe, the second one went." He nodded and headed for the entrance. Back at home in the garage, I leaned against the steering wheel and wept once again.

After getting Alyssa something to eat, I took notes from the news reports on tv. I couldn't process all that information. The Pentagon in flames, the towers gone, another plane down in Pennsylvannia. It was all too much. To my relief, an hour after we dropped him off, my husband called for us to bring him back home. I remember looking up at the clear blue sky, and seeing not one plane. I had the eerie feeling of floating, of not quite being in my own skin.

The rest of that month I did not feel like myself. About two weeks afterward, my daughter and I were in the grocery store, in an aisle all alone, and she made me laugh. It echoed in the near empty store, and I remember feeling guilty, feeling as if I should never laugh again. The feeling has gone away for the most part, but I know I am an entirely different person than I was pre-Sept. 11th. I try not to take anything or anyone for granted anymore. I don't know what I'd do without my family. Those who lost loved ones and friends, those who were directly affected by this tragedy, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I cried every day, nearly in to the new year for you, for all of us. Sometimes, when the house is quiet and my daughter looks at me with her blue gray eyes, my heart aches and I begin to cry all over again. I don't think the pain will ever go away.