nmah1280.xml

nmah1280.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-06

I was fast asleep in the early hours of 9/11, when my phone rang. It was 5:45am and had I fifteen more minutes of slumber, when a coworker called. I got up and saw it was John calling. I immediately cursed his name and chose not to answer. Not being able to go back to bed for fear of oversleeping, I got up and showered. I left shortly there after. Driving in, on the way into work, thinking there was some dilema at work, I decided to return the early morning wake up call. When I hear the news, I couldn't beleive what I was hearing. Considering the source, I thought he was exagerating the truth. So then I turned on the radio, only to have it confirm what he had told me. As I increased speed in my car, my thoughts immediately turned to my friend, Julie who had recently moved to Los Angeles from New York. I decided it would be I, who would provided the next wake up call. When she answered, she was as sceptical as I, but relenquished and turned on the T.V. at my pleading. The next 5 minutes I will remember for the rest of my life. As she was describing to me what was happening, I started to increase my speed even more. And, I'll never forget, I hit 100 miles an hour, trying to get to a T.V., when she said, "Oh, my GOD! The Tower just fell". I said, "What"? She responded, "Oh my GOD, the Tower, Oh my GOD, Oh my GOD, the Tower. It's coming down". The tone and timber of her voice will color my life forever. The absolute horror and disbelief mixed with the instinctual female empathy all women have at the loss of any child colored what she was saying. The humanity she expressed from her soul shook me like I've never been shaken before. I was crying as I was driving. Unhable to wrap my brain around such an unthinkable tragedy, I speed ever onward to work. As I pulled in and left her to check on loved ones and friends living in New York. I literally ran upstairs to my office and turned on the T.V. As my co-worker filled my in on the few details that were available at that time, I saw the last tower standing in a cloud of Ash. The picture was surreal. You knew you were watching real life, but it all seemed like a movie. This is the part where Bruce Willis saves the day and Superman spins us back in time. I think the worst part of the days veiwing was when, I had been watching for quite some time and decided to change the channel to something else. I had to take a break and let this horror settle in. However, as I changed the channel, I said, "This is horrible. What? Are we waiting for the other tower to fall"? Little did I know that at that exact moment the other tower was actually starting to go. So I missed the start of the second tower crumbling like a gigantic thumb squashing a dry clay model. My co-worked said, "No, it's starting to go"! Quickly turning to a live shot, I then witnessed thousand of lives, literally, disintegrating before my eyes. The tears. The absolute helplessness. It was the first time I think I've ever tasted fear. Truly. Fear, beyond imagination. I felt so small and lifeless. I could only think of people's last moments. What they actually saw. The person looking out their window only to see a plane coming directly at them. The people who had an entire building fall on top of them. The people who had to jump. The conscious act of suicide over dying by fire. What was their, last moment. So, as I went back and forth between my absolute rage and paralyzing sadness, I decided to live my life differently from that day forward.

I can only speak for myself, but immediately following the attack, I have never encountered more polite and conscientious drivers in Los Angeles. The people you'd normally expect to be road ragers, were the most patient and considerate human beings on the face of the planet at that moment. We had all left work early that day and you could feel the fear everywhere. People were interacting with the utmost compassion and care for their fellow man. It was truly amazing. You could literally, feel the human behind the wheel in the car ahead of you. You just knew they were looking out for you. Everyone was paying attention. Sad to say, but true nonetheless, we all finally woke up.
Did I finally wake up? Do I live my life 100% differently? Am I a different person? Well, maybe. I have actually changed my entire work and social dealings. I try to stay in the now. I tell the people whom I love, how important they are to me. I try to express myself from a base of honesty. Honesty, even in the face of hostility. Some people just want to go back to how it was. Impossible, I say to them. I've actually lost friends because of my lifestyle change. They wanted to stay zoned out and not deal with life on it's new turf. I feel even more for these people because of the fear that keeps them locked inside. I kind of felt disappointed in myself because I didn't make some all at once life change. I kind of felt like I should have moved to Morocco and helped starving children or gone to Alaska to live life as a naturalist. But, then again, I do feel that a little peice of NYC will always be with me. I feel that as I try and better myself each day in some small way, I'm contributing to betterment of the planet. One moment at a time.

I think the loss of life and the utter lack of respect for humanity should be the two most important remembrances. That out of evil, came our best moment. A moment, when we cared and bonded and interacted. We loved each other for a day, a week, etc. We all said the things we should say. Not letting the moment pass us by. We all said I love you, and meant it. We stopped taking life for granted. I actully went to New York in early Otober, 2001. I went to ground zero and took pictures, video and actually brought back some of the ash from there. It was a rainy Sunday and no one was at the barracades surrounding Ground Zero. It was much different from the day before, when hundreds of people were there. I decided to finish up circumnavigating the site, where I had left off the previous day. This led me down to where the trucks were leaving the site with all the mangled iron, steel, etc. I came across one last car that was still covered in ash. For one reason or another, they hadn't towed it yet. I had just been asked by a military man whether I'd like to stop filming my video camera or go to jail. Needless to say, I stopped filming and was walking away, when I saw the plastic bag and the ash covered car at the same moment. Like a flash, I realized I had to bring part of this tragedy home with me. Physically bring part of it back. I immediately, without hesitation or fore thought, picked up the bag, cleaned it off and began to scoop ash from the car into it. I was trying not to disturb the crime scene or look like an uncaring tourist, but the need to have a part of this, far overpowered any doubt of right or wrong. So, when I arrived home I decided the best thing to do would be to give a little bit of the ash to the people I care the most about. I bought little glass boxes and doled out even portions. This to me is my way of giving a peice of history to my loved ones so they can share it with their children and their children's children and so on. I feel I have, in a small way, kept the story alive. It's one that should never be forgotten.

No, I did not fly the flag after the events of Sept. 11th. The flag holds more reverence and honor for me than before. But when I saw all these jackasses flying the flag on their cars, their houses, etc., it all rang false to me. I just knew that in 3 months, these same people who had the flag on their cars, would be the same ones driving over them on the street. I personally stopped to pick one off the street and received a loud honk and some physical gestures to get out of the way. I just looked at him with pity. The level of patriotism at the time, was quite inspiring, but the follow thru was even more disheartening. I felt ashamed to be part of a Country that took it Patriotism to some absurd level, like that of winning a sporting event. It was very sad to see so many, following a trend or fad, like sheep.