nmah6411.xml

nmah6411.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2004-01-19

I decided to add yet some more. I'm "on a roll." ;)
I woke up this morning and wanted to write more about my guru, Amma, with whom I have a strained relation right now.
I was not raised with a guru tradition--I was raised agnostic, even athiest, and I come from a Judeo-Christiam background. So believing in any God, much less a living one, as Amma is considered, is hard for me.
It never sat well with me to worship her, as people do in her community. This whole thing is confusing, as a film from 1995 shows her dressed in Devi Bhava, as the Divine Mother, and the voiceover is apparently a translation of what she once said--that she doesn't want people to worship her, but she allows this, so that they worship the divine within themselves. And that, ultimately, they have to find their own way of doing that. Words to that effect.
I feel like, when my mother got breast cancer in the fall of 2002, I was put on that path of "self-realization," and I'm not even sure what it is, exactly. I do remember a strong feeling of willingness developing over that time to self-actualize, though. I wanted to merge with the divine in Nature, for one. Even at Plum Village, where I thought I'd be fit in and be "safe," I found myself wanting that--to move beyond the modern religions of the world, which are quite "young," compared to the Universe itself.
I can't say this feeling came upon me all at once, but gradually, yes, in increments, depending on events in my life after that. I do consider that to be a sort of "turning point," though, for me. I believe that it is natural for people to try to return to their spiritual roots when cancer strikes. It wasn't even me that had it, but my mother was "close enough," I guess, for this to have happened to me. I do love her dearly, though relations between us are "strained," too. The Vedic astrologer, Prasannan, has said that she and my father aren't "there" for me, emotionally, and this will be the hardest thing I will ever have to deal with. It is true--it is.
I don't know how Amma feels about all this. I do suspect that she doesn't want to "lose" me to another teacher, as she is considered my satguru--my ultimate guru. How she got there, I don't know, because I sometimes feel like I didn't "choose" her, so much as she "chose" me, I'm sorry to say.
My first year, I'd say, devoted to her weren't exactly filled with bliss, as her name, Mata Amritanandamayi, which means "Mother of Immortal Bliss," implies, but I found there to be little conflict within the community I'd experience then, myself, which was nice. We all got along well, it seemed, though we came from different countries and religions. I was also "drawn in" by the wonders of being in her community, such as the miracles we experience, sometimes in groups; the devotional singing and chanting, which I found so uplifting, then; and also selfless service in her name for the needy, which is a hallmark of hers. I think it was mainly the "miracles," which she considers "illusory," that drew me in and continue to, even though I experience a kind of "burn out."
Amma has also said that she welcomes people from all religions and spiritual traditions, but my experience has been that, in more recent years, she has wanted to be my only teacher. I'm not sure. I base this notion on feelings rather than what she actually tells me, since she has millions of devotees, worldwide, and she has little time for each one, personally. She is often misinterpreted by her closest disciples--she speaks mainly Malayalam, which is her native language, in satsang, so that too is an issue. I do not know Malayalam, and I do not intend to learn much.
I will be "brave" and tell you--though you are only a digital archive and something of my federal government--that I "shut her out of my heart," at some point, a little over a year ago. I am quite sure she and her satsang sense this, as I get the "cold shoulder" all the time, there. Sometimes I talk about it, too. It is part of the PTSD I have to feel alienated, at times, so this is "natural" in this sense, even though it's part of my illness.
I have come to question Amma's ways in this world, whereas before, I didn't look so deeply. I just "sat with" the fact, for instance, I didn't really, at heart, worship her. I have a hard time with the notion of worship at all, actually, given the tradition I was raised with. Oh, we celebrated Christmas and Easter, since they are very popular and "commercial" holidays in this country, where I've lived most of my life. But we didn't celebrate them in any particularly religious ways, except for the occasional Handel's "Messiah," for instance, at The Kennedy Center, in DC.
Among the "disagreements" I have with Amma is the fact she is awake most of the time--literally. She is often awake several times a week, when she is in the mood of the Divine Mother, in Devi Bhava, giving darshan all night to the thousands of devotees who come from all over for that. She spends most of her time traveling the world to be with "her children," as she calls everyone, no matter who they are. When she is not giving Devi Bhava, she routinely stays up into the wee hours of the morning, every night, giving darshan in her simple white dress. I find this not to be conducive to the healing she is so famous for, worldwide, actually, but she will not listen to reason. I refused to get up at 4AM for darshan one night on retreat, last time she was here, because it is not a very sustainable way of life.
There are other "discrepancies" I have with her--such as I didn't want to be a "rock" in her famous "tumbler," which she refers to us "children" as being, when my mother had breast cancer. It was too traumatic a time for me to be stressed out that way. It still is, actually. I felt like she was being hard on me, then, too, not expressing any sympathy for me, really, during Q&A last summer, when I brought up the whole issue of people "not being there" for me in satsang at that time. She wanted to know if Dayamrita was one, as she'd "smack" him, then. She did not, though, say she'd do a "sankalpa" for me, as I suffered suicidal depression, or my mother, though Dayamrita told me, in March or something, that Amma was "praying" for her. I'd also wanted her to adopt some sort of methods of reconciliation within her community, as they have in Thay's, where they "begin anew"--though that does not always help that much, actually, but at least it's a try. Amma did not address this at all, however, in Q&A, and I feel it is vital for people to at least try to reconcile. It is why I wrote old "friends" I used to get high with in the 70s and 80s, and I "rekindled" a friendship with someone who is now ultra-conservative, much to my dismay, but I get ahead of myself. I really only write her and her new family at Christmas, now, but that is beside the point.
But addressing a previously made point, I have been led to wonder, if Amma is an incarnation of the Divine Mother, whom the gods worship in Hindu tradition, then Whom does she pray to?
I cannot say I'm "tough" like a rock, either. The other day, a "revelation" came to me in my Uncle Felix's voice--that I was more like the glass pieces tumbled smooth by the ocean, I saw in a seaside shop in Massachusetts, than a rock. I am more fragile than a rock, and Amma doesn't "know" this, yet, I think.
But actually, we are all human and neither rock nor glass. We are all individual, too. And I was scared I'd lose my actual self with her--literally--because I got so depressed.
I began to scorn the notion of being "selfless" in a world where the rich run things, and in this country, in such a corrupt manner.
I understand that Bush has been sued for waging war on Iraq without a legitimate reason or permission, and that person lost the battle and wrote a book about it, which I could have told you would be the case--the losing, anyway. This system is too corrupt for such a person to win. I forget his name, now, but I saw the book on a shelf in a local shop.
More people protested that war than any other in history--worldwide, they turned out in the millions, I think, and here, the police were so brutal that peaceful demonstrators in Oakland got fired upon and shot. In San Francisco, just after the war started, thousands of protesters took the the streets in an "emergency" demonstration, and while some were "tough," the police were "tougher," still, and many ended up wounded and put in jail for God knows how long.
I have heard of political detainees since 9/11 in the thousands, in this country, where such a thing isn't supposed to happen. And of human rights violations with prisoners of war in Iraq and Afghanistan. People being smothered to death and tortured, and it appalls me. I was never for any of these wars, nor is anyone I know, with rare exception. No one I care to know a great deal, anyway, anymore. And that is probably the tip of the iceberg, as far as violations of our human rights and civil liberties go. Why, the devastation of pristine Muir Beach has much to do with the deregulation of environmental laws since Bush's "reign." He seized power, and Civil Rights organizations are suing Jeb Bush, the state of Florida, and Katharine Harris because of the violations of voting rights there--what with thousands of mainly African-Americans being stricken from the rosters, because of illegal policies, in trying to eliminate felons, using a data system designed to keep innocent people from the polls. Bush and his cronies are wrong, but they probably won't be seen as such in the criminal justice system, since this isn't a democracy, but an oligarchy. It rather reminds me of a dictatorship, since he did not win the general election. I know no one who voted for him, except one childhood "friend," I made contact with after many years, and had I known she felt this way, I would most likely not have made contact. And it is frightening to "reveal" myself this way, on-line, for an agency that will surely report its findings to the government, which is more like a perpetrator than my friend. If it truly cared, it wouldn't bomb Iraq, which contains billions of dollars of oil per year--the Bush family business--and instead, it would use the billions of dollars it spends on "the war on terrorism"--which is not protecting me one iota--to help the poor, as Amma and her devotees do.
This has been my problem with "selfless service," in the face of such tyranny. Why should I, who have suffered so much already, be "selfless," in one of the richest countries in the world, if not the richest--when it doesn't help its own people with their basic needs, such as food, clothing, and shelter? And one fear I have is that when I state feelings like this, so bravely as I do here, then I will be seen as a "terrorist," which Bush and his administration want to peg people like me as, even though the people didn't elect him.
I remember him saying, after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, on the TV, standing on top of the rubble of the WTC, that if you weren't "with us," you're "against us," which is horse hockey. He lost the popular vote.
I wish I could sue--and win--because my vote didn't count, because isn't that what voting means? I think so. Now, here in California, we passed, almost unanimously, a bill that says our votes count, by law, as if that is not a "given." Forgive me if I repeat myself, as I may have written some of this, before.
I cannot help but think that the Constitution says this is supposed to be a government "by the people, of the people, for the people," no? Then, why is it so tyranncial that citizens born here, such as myself, don't feel safe living here, anymore?
You know, I'm in recovery for substance abuse--I had 10 years' clean and sober on November 15th, which is, by chance, the Founder's Day at the Stift Klosterneuburg, the monastery dedicated to the Virgin Mary, outside Vienna, near where I used to live. I had my first drunk there, too, when I was 12. I found out this "coincidence," "by chance," when I was stuck abroad there, after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, actually. I decided to re-visit after many years away, and this is what I found out. "No coincidence," to my mind, and I told the tour guide who led us around the inside--a rare privilege, these days. My 10th anniversary date was also the night Jennifer Berezan chose to give her concert ritual at the Scottish Rite Temple in Oakland, and I told her, as well--after the show, which was great. She and Joan had been in Malta when the planes struck, and I think that was "no coincidence," either...
What is "ironic" is that I've often been afraid of being seen as a "terrorist" suspect, just for expressing myself about this day and what it's meant to me. And I'm opposed to violence, at heart. I don't believe violence is ever the answer, no matter my personal problems with it, and there have been many.
I realize, too, that Bush is supposedly, "in recovery" for alcoholism, and yet I find his behavior strange for someone who claims that. He and his administration have this vague "enemy," the "evil-doer." I saw a whole article written about what a "dry drunk" he must be, or worse yet, someone who still drinks, even though he's supposed to be in recovery. Frankly, when the Bush "selection" was taking place in the fall and winter of 2000 and 2001, I thought for sure he'd "lose," since it came out in the press he had a DUI. Who wants a drunk president?
And the fact he's mixed church and state, as has his Attorney General, John Ashcroft, does not help, either. They are both hard-nosed Republicans, and it appalls me their "tough guy," body-builder turned actor turned politician, suddenly, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was elected by a landslide, apparently legitimately, in a state that is largely Democratic, though it reveres actors and he appears moderate, as Mumia-Abu-Jamal points out in one of his latest commentaries from death row, where he still is, despite his innocence. I'm getting tired of all this, to say the least.
One reason I liked Deer Park Monastery is that I was there when Arnold was elected, and since the media is not welcome there, it was like a "guessing game" to figure out who won this election. I enjoyed that, and it beats the anxiety of "living outside," where we are subject to the media and its backlash all the time.
The media cares only about selling things, and since war sells, it has been behind all this, even though in a "moderate" sense, since who really likes war, anyway? No one.
I confess, I meant "merely" to write about Amma and my relationship with her, but I got on another tangent, since that is what you are about, no? Governmental power. I will try to "stick to the point."
I confess, too, I do not pray much anymore, if at all--nor do I chant my mantra, which Amma gave me my first Devi Bhava. I feel like my life is ruined. My brother, who is much more accepted in the family, lives closer to "home," has a better career and more money and so on. I feel devastated by recent events and my money is running out, too. I recently went to a financial advisor at Kitcole, and I cried about how little I have left.
My search for compensation has not beel fruitful, either. I have tried many agencies, most recently, the federal fund Kenneth Feinberg runs. I read in the newspaper that there was still a lot of money in it at that time--November, I believe--and that he was touring the country, trying to get people to apply for it. But when I called his office, long distance, I was told that if I didn't suffer injury or lose a loved one, then I didn't "qualify." And when I called Senator Feinsteins' office in San Francisco, an attendant there got irrational with me and harassed me for expecting compensation and hung up the phone on me. That was the worst reaction I ever had to that issue.
So that is "it," in a nutshell, when it comes to "Amma-ville."
Last time I was at her ashram was this past Saturday night, where I'd arranged for the short film to be shown--I gift from me, over the years, as I've made many on Dr. King's behalf. I didn't feel the M.A. Center board did his birthday justice, as many of us are still distraught after all these years, by his assassination, and that is to be expected. I still cannot believe that Ashcroft, who has Klan ties, is Attorney General, and yet Bush will go to Atlanta to lay a wreath, while the 2002 Gandhi-King Award winner's temple observes his birthday in such an "off-hand" way, well after satsang is over, which was about Pongal, a Hindu ceremony.
Something else I learned at this time is that I'm not that Hindu, either, though I still like some of the traditions, such as yoga and Ayurveda, which I rarely use anymore, however.
During Q&A in San Ramon last summer, Amma and I engaged in a rather "long" discussion, which was merely to be a question and answer session--but she began to ask me questions in return, to my surprise. That is when she apparently told me to go visit my mother, who did not want me to come, it turned out, for fear my father and I would argue, since he is a tyrant. Afterward, Amma called me up to her pedestal, and asked me if something has "shaken" me. I said that my mother's breast cancer shook my faith. And her answer was that spiritual masters get cancer, such as Ramakrishna, but that didn't make me feel much better, since I barely know who that is or was, and we were talking about my actual birth mother.
I've had a hard time accepting Amma as a "second mother," since she did not give birth to me, and we have very little time together, actually. She knows little about me personally that others do not tell her, and I'm sure it is not always so good. For instance, I am sure she probably has heard, by now, from a devotee who lives at the M.A. Center that I put up a fuss when the screeing of the wonderful film, "I Have a Dream" was over, since we devotees who cared deeply about him and his work had no chance to expresss our feelings in a public way there, and that hurt.
I will go now. I have ceased other kinds of worship, as well, though, such as offering flowers to Jemanja, the African ocean Goddess--my friend from Peru, Flor, showed me how to do this, and while I loved to, at one time, now, I don't anymore, since she is gone from my life. I do still have long talks with Jemanja, on occasion-when I am near an ocean that I feel safe with, which is not often, even though I live at Muir Beach, for one.
I used to love to chant the 1000 names of the Devi, the Divine Mother, as well, but since my faith was shaken, over a year ago, I have stopped doing that, as well. It really is like I'm returning to my roots. I even listen to pop music, now, again, and have for some time, whereas before, in the car, where I play these things, mostly, I used to listen to the dozens of bhajans recordings I got from the ashram and other spiritual teachings on tape and CD.
I can't help but think that I am falling victim to some sort of ultra-conservative coup--that knows I have this guru, who is not male, for one, and does not even particularly like men, for another. I think, too, I have "fallen victim" to patriarchy itself, which this society is so steeped in--the world, in general, is.
So I am wondering what enlightenment is and how to seek it, still. I feel "despair" that everywhere I've turned for this has not "turned out" as I'd planned. Not well at all, actually.
Lately, I've begun to listen to bhajans again, which I used to love--some soared for me and would take my spirit with them. The chanting was the same way for me, most of it. But now, no, not really. I have a sort of "mental block."
Another issue I have with "Amma-ville," is that she never marries same-sex couples in ceremonies at the end of Devi Bhava, after giving darshan for many hours. These occur later and later these days, since so more and more people come to her for that. I identify as bisexual, and I know that Ashcroft has shown anti-gay behavior, so just admitting that on-line, here, is scary, too.
But Amma devotees can be gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual--in fact a lesbian couple I know in her community expressed a desire to marry, if she'd like, but they won't ask. That would be a "first," as far as I know. I think Amma is still under the restrictions, somewhat, of her staid upbringing in South India, where such things are never heard of.
I have felt, lately, that perhaps I would be "better off" with a more traditional path, such as going to graduate school in, say, a women's spirituality program, like the ones they have at the California Institute of Integral Studies, where Jennifer and Joan teach--the Malta trip could have been "for credit," but since I was not a formal student, I didn't take it for such--or New College, which I actually favor, since its policy is to accept people who aren't accepted elsewhere.
I never dreamed my quest to seek enlightenment would be so hard or so painful. I had expected a simpler, easier path, and to be, most of all, happier than I've been. That isn't to say I haven't experienced some joy. After Devi Bhava in June, for instance, I was "blissed out," and regaled houseguests of Karla Andersdatter, the writer from whom I rent a room and a 3/4 bath at Muir Beach, with details about Amma.
One last thing about Amma I have difficulty with--I find her "self-centered," in that in her community, everything revolves around her and her satsang, basically. Some of the songs are specifically about her as the Divine Mother of the Universe. And her 108 names, which people chant regularly there--and I always had trouble with, myself--regale her as such, too. In one of her books, I believe, which is offered at her "lotus feet," she is named as being "forever centered in the self," as if that's a good thing. I have found myself wanting more to be centered within my own self, and less to be like a moth to a flame, which I frequently see us all as, with her. I feel like this came over me as a result of my mother's breast cancer, too--like this is her "gift" to me, even if she doesn't know it, since spirituality means little to her, even at this late stage of her life. So even though she keeps me at long distance now--we have not seen each other since before her diagnosis, actually--I still feel there is some love there, for what it's worth.
She did meet Amma, in the summer of 2002--she was merely going to drop me off at the Virginia Hilton, where programs were being held, but she came in, at my behest, at the last moment. We got darshan together, and Amma nearly jumped out of her chair, when I told her who this was, because she knew Mom had trouble coming.
I'll go now. There is a celebration for Dr. King in Marin City soon, and I don't want to miss it, since this is the national holiday for his birthday.
In closing, let me say that I am praying for peace, in my own way. In a way, my whole life is becoming a prayer, perhaps, since I still feel "called" to seek enlightenment, no matter what may come. Maybe I will write more later.
Love,
Vivian Taube