nmah6416.xml

nmah6416.xml

born-digital

story

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2004-01-26

I decided to write just a bit more--of course.
In "Vanity Fair," I read an article about Ashcroft that said how racist he is--the "Justice Department" is not the diverse organization it once was, for one, under Janet Reno, whom I liked better. Apparently only white men occupy the high posts, and before people of color and women did, too.
I'm wondering if it is considered "perjury" to write the truth this way, because I learned one more thing--that you can get searched for no reason, and you aren't even allowed to complain to your Congressperson!
I left the Democrats, however, for the Greens, since I am opposed to the death penalty, and both major parties are in favor of it, though I heard Kucinich is not. I do not know whom I'll vote for this November, but I voted for Peter Camejo for governor.
That was such a farce, that "recall." I was in favor of recalling Gary Davis, who is a conservative and wanted the prison industrial complex expanded and did a lot towards that, as if we don't have enough jail cells already. The sentences are longer and longer for less and less offensive crimes--often drug-related charges, which used to get a fine and a misdemeanor charge. These people need rehabilitation, not imprisonment, which is punitive and doesn't help.
However, the recall was engineered by Schwarzenegger's team, and so many people ran for governore--about 150--that I found it traumatic to vote! I had a hard time finding my candidate, and the people at the registrar's office were not very helpful, either, when I needed assistance. Plus, they didn't like that I called Arnold a Nazi. And his father was a Nazi officer, so that is not far off the mark. Not only that, he is known for fondling women other than his wife, and he never answered to that in a public way, other than to order an investigation, and then drop it.
I used to love living in this state, but I do not, now. I don't feel "safe" here, and I'm probably not at this site, either. But something in me "prodded" me on.
The article on Ashcroft said too how, when he was governor of Missouri, black prisoners with "privilege" got to serve him and his guests at the mansion. And he'd remark in their presence how untrustworthy they were, and they must have heard and were mortified, was the report from one guest, who was not impressed.
And he is notoriously anti-gay, and even lost an election to a dead man, as the people didn't love him so much!
I have twice now seen stickers on pay phones in moderate-to-low income neighborhoods that read that they are being tapped, "courtesy of the Patriot Act," as if that's OK. In previous times, this would not have been allowed by law, but under the new one, it is, apparently, though some people I talk to say it's a hoax. I don't believe it is, because I've seen them in places as disparate as Lee Vining and Marin City, hundreds of miles apart. I don't own a cell phone, as they are known to give people brain cancer, so it is definitely an inconvenience, since I'm in those places, occasionally and others like them, too.
I am not so "rich" as I was before the terrorist attacks. While my financial advisor and mother both say the market was up last year, I get less from my late beloved Uncle Felix's Trust via my parents, because they are making up for losses, due to the terrorist attacks and subsequent wars for oil Bush waged in the Middle East.
I am tired of this fundamentalist, right-wing coup, and I am afraid to write any of this, as if freedom of speech is not guaranteed by the Constitution anymore. It is, from what I understand, still, and that is good. At least some of it wasn't rescinded by the ungodly Patriot Act. I read there was a Patriot Act II, but it got subset into a lot of other laws, since even the reactionary Bush government didn't like that one!
It's been like a nightmare to live here. I have loved this land--how beautiful it is, especially in places like where I live here at Muir Beach--my "claim to fame." But you know, in earlier times, I never even went to places like Hawaii or the Grand Canyon or Bryce Canyon, and these are places I have really wanted to visit very badly. Now, financially, it is less feasible, since I have only about 10,000 dollars to my name and about 5000 dollars in debt from credit card bills from previous trips and things. Compared to, say, Bush, who has raked in millions with his oil wars, I'm a pauper, which I'm sure was part of his and his administration's plans.
I do hope someone else wins the election--here, since we have a law that says that our votes count, as if that was not a given before--it will be impossible, I think, for the same type of coup that occurred in Florida to occur again. I wrote in more detail of this before at this site, no?
I will vote my conscience, though, and I hope everyone does. But as before, I'm quite sure that some of the people I know will vote to keep Bush out of office. It always seems like a contest between the lesser of two evils, with half the people eliglible voting, so we need a three-party system, definitely. And I would really like for voting to become a civic duty, as I proposed to Senator Feinstein's office--but she never got back to me about how to introduce that bill to Congress, when I asked her about that on-line--everything else, just about, she did address.
I wanted to write, too, that one reason why I don't feel so "child-like" with Amma anymore is because I've had breasts most of my 42 years, and I am quite susceptible to breast cancer, since I live where the rates are the highest in the nation, and my Mom just had it, about a year ago. Amma calls us all her "children," but this doesn't sit well with me, sometimes, for this reason. I've actually seen small children behave better than her adult "children" do, so I'm a bit amazed she continues to call us that, despite "the effect."
I guess it shows that I'm not so devoted to her anymore, and I find that sad, frankly, because I met her going on three years ago, and that is apparently how long it takes to become "spiritually liberated" in her community. I don't feel so "liberated" yet, but we'll see, won't we?
She has said that we are on an "express train" to spiritual liberation. I used to find that more appealing than I do now, since I find I have "motion sickness," let's say, and I've wanted to "get off." My question is, what if that is true, and you still can't leave? That's how it's felt, being devoted to her, at times, I'm sorry to say.
Did I write of UNOCAL? I read, some time after the terrorist attacks and the war in Afghanistan started, of it. It's an American oil conglomerate that wanted to lay a pipeline across Afghanistan from the Caspian Sea, which holds $6 trillion of oil, to the Arabian Sea, where tankers, like Chevron's, which named one for Condoleeza Rice later, would be able to transport it.
Well, an Argentinian company got the contract, but after the terrorist attacks of 9/11, Bush used that as an excuse to wage war on Afghanistan, where none of the hijackers were from, actually. Then, when the Taliban fell, UNOCAL got its contract, and work has been in progress ever since, I imagine, though it gets little coverage in the morbidly fascinated mainstream US press.
What is more is that the Carlyle Group, which invests in big oil, has both George Bush Sr. and Bin Laden Management on its board, so go figure. If George Jr. wanted to really find him--and notice, he hasn't--all his father's oil conglomerate would have to do is hold a meeting, I think.
I think a "turning point" came for me with Amma when a man named Steve Fleischer, who is on the M.A. Center board and also called himself her "lawyer," harassed me for asking who complained about my forwarding emails about this sort of thing to people in her community. I felt a shift occur then, but I didn't want to accept the alienation until Lawrence came in and said he had terminal cancer and needed to get to a hospice in Oregon and no one believed him but me. The fact he then showed up at a soup kitchen in San Francisco, some months later, does not "prove" he doesn't have the need, which was real, whatever his story that night.
And the fact that the M.A. Center board found celebrating Dr. King's birthday in a big way "too political" was another "tip-off" that this is run uethically, especially considering Amma won the Gandhi-King in 2002 and she and Yolanda are now good friends. Why no one gets back to me from The King Center about all this is, perhaps, another Amma "lela"--"divine play," but I don't know. Maybe they are just too busy or don't want to "impose" the holiday upon the men at the ashram who were appointed by Amma to run it.
I have nominated Yolanda to the board, unofficially, but no one acknowledges this, when I write on-line to anyone about it or make calls. I think she'd be a good addition, if she can handle it with her schedule.
I don't understand why Amma gives men such power within her own organization, when she is actually opposed to such things, in general. My "guess" is they make a good show of being devoted to her, either monetarily or in person, and so they are granted this. It isn't fair, actually. That is definitely where much of my "irrational anger" towards her comes from, but that is another, though related, matter.
Amma has been compared to both Mother Teresa and Gandhi, regularly, in the press, and I believe she is actually more like Gandhi was, since both are considered "great souls" by their followers.
Mother Teresa wasn't pro-choice, as Amma is, for one. Or at least, Amma has expressed a pro-choice belief, after I asked her specifically about this on retreat, during Q&A in Rhode Island, in the summer of 2002. She said, through Swamiji, that killing a chicken is not the same as breaking an egg, but he got it wrong, and said she said that killing a chicken is not the same as having an omelet, which we didn't "get" right off, but eventually, yes.
Later, after she served everyone dinner herself and I got darshan from her, she called me over to clarify--this time through "our hero," Dayamrita, who apparently did interpret correctly for her this time. See what I mean about the men? They don't even get her words right--why does she give them such power? Later still, after he and I had our "differences," which continue to this day, he asked me if it's OK if a woman interprets my question--last June, in fact, when I asked if I could go to India and get the health care I like, and she said yes. I never went, though, and now, I wonder if I should go, considering my devotion to her has waned and never really waxed, again, completely, at all.
Anyway, at that time, in Rhode Island, I then told Amma I'd tell my mother, as I wasn't sure she'd come, and that was where we left it. Mom had had an abortion in the 50s in Ecuador, when it was unsafe and illegal, which it still is, no doubt. Ecuador is notorious for conservativism, and I'm sure this extends to abortion rights, as well. My entire family there is anti-gay, too, which makes matters worse, since last time I went there, in 1998, I got harassed for "coming out" as bisexual, as I'd gone to various groups in Massachusetts to this effect and nearly all my friends were "out" then, too.
Anyway, I told the story of Mom meeting Amma for the first and only time--with me, outside DC, and Amma being so delighted she nearly jumped out of her chair. I do not know, though, if Amma offers abortion services in her various health care centers, and that would be "radical" for her to do, since she is considered a saint by many in an underdeveloped country, which is notoriously conservative in politics, too.
But another reason Amma is not like Mother Teresa is that she is not poor, from what I believe. I think all the vast real estate holdings, such as the ashram properties, world-wide, are in her name. If so, she must be very wealthy, and I think that too is part of her appeal for many. I'm not 100 percent sure about this, but that is my guess.
Mother Teresa, on the other hand, owned very little--her order, the Missionaries of Charity, owned vast holdings, though, worth many millions, as well.
Amma, for instance, has a villa her board member Ron Gottsegen, built for her on the ashram property in San Ramon, which he donated, too. And the temple. And a swimming pool she almost never uses, as it is too cold, even in the summer, there. And Amma is there three weeks out of the year, only. So when I hear her say to be "selfless," I think of these vast holdings that are for her, and I pause. Why should I be, when she herself is not really, in this regard?
I also tend to think that much of her "self-actualization" comes from people telling her things, since I myself have done this, and I've seen my words or intentions reflected back in hers, such as when she spoke out against female genital mutilation (FGM) at the UN's first conference for women spiritual and religious leaders in Geneva in 2002, when she won the Gandhi-King Award.
Actually, she didn't speak out about them, there, but attached a list of oppressions against females she's opposed to, at the end of the printed version of her speech, available for a donation at her ashram later, and that was one of them. I'd given her a book on the subject that previous summer, so I guess I made an impression, as most people don't give her such things to keep, as I did, but to "merely" bless and return.
I met an interfaith minister at Deer Park early last year--when I began to "try" to integrate into Thich Nhat Hanh's community there, as a resident--Maria Franco. And she said that I have my own power and don't need to rely on these other people to do those kinds of things for me, such as speak out against FGM. It is "food for thought."
This past year, however, I did just that with my last free copy of the latest edition of "Cherry Tree Lane." I gave it to Amma only to bless, and it was returned to me. I may send it to Diana's mother, Frances Shand Kydd, as her biography came out, recently, and I am reading it.
Early on after Diana died, I wrote her in Scotland, and she sent a lovely prayer she wrote for Diana, then. I keep it on my original altar to the Goddess--the only one I have intact, after all this "loss of faith." But what with the state of affairs in the world, right now, isn't it "natural" for me to feel that way?
Our rights to an abortion have been badly restricted, due to Bush and his administration, too, I'm sorry to say. That was about the first thing to go when he took office, though he said he wouldn't do that in his campaign promises he broke.
I sometimes feel that if I hadn't "shut Amma out" of my heart the time poor Lawrence came in and said he had cancer and no one believed him but me, then she probably would have "come to my rescue," and stood up for me, since part of her text in her books, "Awaken, Children!" is about this, directly--being compassionate and not "kicking" the vagabond outside the temple, asking for alms. If only Lawrence knew what he started there! I doubt he does, as no one I know has spoken to him, since then, though he's showed up at a soup kitchen where Amma devotees volunteer regularly. I used to, before all this alienation "set in."
I didn't like ending up feeling like Amma's "servant," but that is, essentially, what doing selfless service for her and attending satsang in her honor has been like. Only we don't "get paid."
I imagine she would feel "betrayed" if she knew how I feel, but then, I've felt betrayed, too, and this I don't think she acknowledges, as if that's not the issue. As if I'm not important. And that everything in her community is "for her" and not "for me," and that is the way it should be, when we need to get along better as people, and she's not addressing that.
To be frank, I used to like satsang and seva more--I can't say they were all that "healing" for me, though. I remember one particularly bad night, when I was having "irrational anger" for Diana's sons, I listened to a particularly happy bhajan, Akattil Irrupavale," and when I got to the ashram in San Ramon, the satsang community there sang it after the talk--it's not that "well known," like some of her other ones. However, none of this "did the trick," and cured me of my dis-ease.
I will go now. I really don't know what else to add. I feel I've written a lot--probably more than most people here, and I've been "brave." But really, we are entitled, by law, to freedom of speech, no? I believe it is an "inalienable right," still, right?
I wanted to add, too, that a friend, Joel, from the Solar Living Center, and I discussed the rebuilding efforts underway, now, and I believe it is time to rebuild at the so-called site of the World Trade Center, now. In the summer of 2002, when I was on tour with Amma across the US, I made a special effort to get to both it and the the Pentagon, where the planes hit. And while the Pentagon was nearly re-built where the plane struck, the World Trade Center was not, and I believe a gaping hole where it once stood remains there to this day, awaiting plans.
I have read of some good ones, including ones where all the victims' names are memorialized. Some families feel that rescuers' should be separate from those stuck in the building "by accident." Perhaps so, since it is a very emotionally sensitive subject. And I think that the remains of the victims should be there, too, somehow, but I'm not sure how. Buried or entombed, perhaps--and a nice place for people to come with their families--perhaps a garden. I read of one with a bridge of light that sounded nice. Another, I believe with altars to each victim. One thing is for certain, I definitely won't forget, but I believe that people in general do, and that shouldn't happen. I read of yet another in which the sun would hit memorials at the four exact times of the attacks, and given the fact I received "my calling" from my late Uncle Felix' spirit the moment the first plane struck on 9/11, that one definitely "speaks to my condition."
Joel told me of yet another one that would be the highest building in the world, with wind turbines on top, providing much of the power the site needed. And while I am in favor of natural energy sources all the time, no doubt, I do remember the fear Larry Silverstein, I believe the owner's name is, had about the issue of height, saying in a TV interview, long ago, that he didn't believe very tall buildings were a good idea--the implication being that the Twin Towers were such "easy targets."
But I definitely feel that it would boost morale if work on rebuilding the site begins now. And I like the many mementos across the street, at St. Paul's Chapel. I'm not sure if they should remain there for all time, but maybe, as a "reminder." I loved the millions of origami cranes of peace from all over the world, hanging in big bunches. I'd never seen so many in all my life, and I'd gather them up in my arms and hold them and feel their healing energy. I wrote a note then, saying how we are all survivors of the terrorist attacks, as they could have happened to anyone, and inviting people to come meet Amma, giving her programs at Columbia, uptown, but I wonder if anyone saw it and came because of that. There were literally millions of mementos, in all, not just cranes of peace.
I also tried to contact people I thought would be interested in meeting her, such as Larry Silverstein himself, who could not have been a very happy man at the time. And people like Peter Martins, who ran the New York City Ballet, where Joseph Duell was principal, the time of his suicide in 1986. And someone at "Ms." magazine, then, an activist and contributing editor named Amy Richards, who'd been in touch with me via email for a long time in the 90s about issues I'd consult her about. But none of them came, as far as I know, though I never really met any of them, face to face.
I met a New Yorker, as I took the public transit system down to the "site," as they call it, in NYC, who lived in Manhattan, but hadn't been to see the wreckage in all that time--almost a year, at that point. I cannot imagine such apathy, but I kept that to myself. And I tried to go to the top of the Empire State Building that day, but I got there five minutes after it closed, at 11:30PM. I'd never been to the top of that, either, and I regretted not going to the top of the Twin Towers, either. I'd never even been inside. I regretted, in particularl, not going to the restaurant at the top, Windows on the World, as I heard it was beautiful, and I even had a dream, post-9/11, about this, too.
The woman from the Bay area I was "stuck abroad" with, Robin Fowler, had just been there that previous Saturday, and showed me a receipt with a clerk's name on it, when she bought perfume at one of the stores. She said, wryly, that she could be dead, by now, and that was true.
I have never checked the entire roster for names I know, as I knew no one who worked there, but a childhood "friend," Maya Larson, she was called then, was at the Marriott there on business with her husband, and they escaped just barely in time. I wonder if they got compensation...
And the Duchess of York was on her way there, for a meeting of one of her charity organizations, but was "late," I read, and therefore, missed being there when the planes hit. I read this in a tabloid given to us all on the replacement return flight from London on Virgin Atlantic, which I had a dream about returning to London on, prior to that, since Richard Branson was such "good friends" with the Princess of Wales and her two children. This was after my parents arranged for new flights both from Vienna and there, when my original ones on the 14th were canceled that September.
I've written the Duchess of York since then, and I usually get a response from her office. But we haven't met yet--maybe one day... :)
I wish I could say that I feel like I'm truly fulfilling my calling to seek enlightenment. I recently went to the San Francisco Theological Seminary, and spoke to a secretary there, at length, but that isn't the right place for me, either. I'm not sure what is. I keep thinking of returning to graduate school, one day, perhaps, and choosing a more "traditional" path, such as in an advanced women's spirituality degree program, and two schools have them here, that I know of. But I don't have money for that now, and last time I tried graduate school, in 1995, I didn't do well, because of PTSD I still have, though it's getting better. Maybe one day, it will be all gone.
I really will go now. I will write more, as I see fit.
Love,
Vivian Taube
P.S. I learned at the San Rafael Library that there is a website devoted to librarians opposed to the Patriot Act, since in it, our library records can be traced, too. Nice, huh?