nmah716.xml

nmah716.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-01

Although I was born in Brooklyn, New York and lived there until I entered university, I currently live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

My daily routine includes switching on the television in my bedroom to local news while I am getting ready for work to prepare myself for the weather and traffic conditions. My next step is to begin my personal hygiene ritual, starting by brushing my teeth. While I am away from the screen of the television, I listen to the BCTV morning news. As I was brushing my teeth, I heard a statement to the effect that everyone was asked not to use water so they could maintain water pressure to fight the fire downtown. I immediately ran to the television, at that time thinking Vancouver was engulfed in fire. To my horror and dismay, I saw that it was actually one of the towers at New York's World Trade Center that had been struck by a jet plane. My initial thought, as I'm sure was the initial thought of many others, was that a plane had inadvertently and tragically gone off course, creating the current situation.

As I continued to watch in horror, I saw the second tower struck. I immediately knew, this was no accident, but was in such a state of shock, I could not fathom what was happening. I immediately screamed for my husband to come upstairs to witness what was happening. While he was tremendously affected as well, he, in his usual manner, tried to keep me calm. I was glued to the screen, but tried to also telephone my family in San Diego and Chicago; trying to act responsibly and sensibly, I did not try to contact any of my relatives in New York. I was unable to get a line to any long distance telephone numbers.

Knowing I had to get to work, I am a career counselor at a local community college, I continued to listen to the news while getting ready for work. I listened to the radio all the way to work, and kept the radio on my desk tuned to the all news station.

I soon discovered that although I was at work, I could not work. I was very distracted, emotional and distraught. It was also very unsettling to be amongst mostly non Americans. Vancouver is extremely multi cultural , and although I mainly heard shock, horror, fear and sympathy, I also heard anti American remarks.

A huge screen was erected in the atrium of the college to broadcast the unfolding news. I was not the only individual away from their desks watching the big screen intently. The vice president of the college arranged for counsellors to be available to talk with anyone in need of their services.

I kept vacillating between shock, disbelief, fear, and sorrow. My mind kept racing to how America would respond. In the 1980's, I worked as a civilian for the Commander Naval Air Force Pacific Fleet for eight years while living in San Diego. I was very fearful that further attacks might result in immediate retaliation. I also believed that Pakistan, Iraq, and Korea have access to nuclear weapons.

I was so frustrated at not being able to contact my family by telephone, and in desparation emailed my niece in San Diego. Surprisingly, the email got through and she responded. I suppose I was concerned that San Diego could be the site of a terrorist attack. When I learned that even Disneyland was closed for the day, I knew I was not alone in my fears.

I spent the majority of the day rushing between my desk and the big screen in the atrium. At about 2:45 p.m. PST, I dashed out of my office to view bombs exploding in Afghanistan. Not even focussing in on the fact that the local factions in Afghanistan were at war, my emotions got the best of me, and I thought retaliation had begun. At that point, I left the college and returned home. I watched CNN all through the evening, night and into the morning of September 12, 2002.

I have always been a light sleeper and cannot sleep with a light on or any noise. For one full month after September 11th, I slept with the lights on and the television tuned to CNN 24 hours a day. I was NEVER without access to the news. I subscribed to CNN breaking news email alerts on my computer at home and at work. I felt like I HAD to know what was going on at all times. I could not sleep for fear of something happening that I would not know about.

My birthday is September 25th, and a large celebration had been planned prior to Septmeber 11th. I requested that the party be cancelled. I did not feel like celebrating. I burst into tears continually and did not smile. I could not imagine a time when I would or could go back to life as it was before September 11th.

I became quite critical and intolerant of my non-American friends, co-workers and acquaitenances. I was outraged by the emails I received invoking pacifism, inferring that "we" were taking the wrong path by sending troops to Afghanistan.

Thanksgiving comes to Canada the second Monday in October. The Canadian holiday comes at the same time as the U.S. Columbus Day three day weekend. I declined all invitations to Thanksgiving celebrations. I sat glued to the television, many of those days not even taking the time to get dressed or eat so that I would not be away from television news. The moment I heard that we were at war with Afghanistan, I stopped answering my telephone. I could not bear to listen to my former contacts. I considered them naive and simplistic, sometimes even as cowards and traitors.

My greatest enjoyment had been reading literature, self help books and fiction. The only reading I now did was the newspaper, with the television, and sometimes even the radio turned on.

By January, I could go to sleep with the radio and television turned off, but I had to turn them on whenever I woke through the night. I was waking about once an hour by then.

I could not focus on anything but my desire to go to New York. I did not know what my purpose was, or what consolation or insight I might get from my visit, I just knew I HAD to go to New York. Luckily, my husband recognized the importance of my goal and made it happen. I did not want to fly to New York, not due to fear, but because I wanted to drive across the country to see how my fellow Americans were dealing and coping with the tragedy.

I went to Ground Zero on the first of June , albeit after all traces of the destruction were removed. However, I did see 16 desolate acres.

I saw my fellow Americans across the country flying American flags from their homes and vehicles. I saw strong, proud, determined individuals dedicated to keeping our country unified. I found New York a much kinder, gentler place. I was so proud of my fellow New Yorkers and so happy to see that life went on almost the same as before September 11th. I was heartened to see that the only difference was passion, patriotism and the commitment to the spirit of America.

Now, I can sleep through the night most nights. I only tune to CNN two to three times per day. I am becoming more tolerant of different viewpoints, but part of me is still very raw and ready to strike out against anti Americanism. I pray for our country and the world every day. I pray for wisdom and peaceful coexistence. My fear is that only the first of those prayers will be answered.

The one thing that I think should be remembered about September 11th is the spirit of the American people. Yes, I believe the bravery, courageousness, sense of duty and dedication are very important aspects to remember. And, yes, I believe it is also important to remember the kindness and outpouring of love and assistance. But I think all those things sum up the American spirit.

In Canada, there is a beer commercial touting "I Am Canadian"; I believe Americans should always display on their person, "I Am PROUD to be American".

American flags are hard to come by in Canada, especially after September 11th. On September 12th I brought my Statue of Liberty replica, that I had gotten on a Girl Scouts field trip more that 40 years before, to work to display on my desk. I downloaded the American Spririt graphics for my computer desktop. I took red, white and blue ribbon and twisted them into a forget- me- not pattern and pinned it to my clothing. My mother immediately sent me a small needlepoint American flag that she created so that I could display it on my briefcase. I was able to order a Swvaroski crystal American flag that I pinned to my coat. I eventually was able to get an American flag and fly it from my home.

My feelings about the American flag and its symbolism are very important to me. Firefighters displaying the American flag at the World Trade Center captured the feelings I had and continue to have in my heart.