email559.xml

email559.xml

born-digital

email

unknown

yes

2002-08-22

From: "Pauline Harris" <eleni368@yahoo.com>

To: "Pat Forbes" <paforbes@sprynet.com>


Hi, Pat...

I will write about this. It is still too close, and I
am too nervous and jittery...I jump at all loud
noises, and Drew has not shaved because his hands are
not steady (and, to help him out some, I reminded him
that not shaving is a sign of being in mourning).

We are determined to survive this. Drew sheltered me
from seeing some horrific things, but in the process,
he saw them. I fear for his sense of peace. We are
working out the usual feelings of guilt for surviving,
for wanting to leave, for being alive but not
volunteering or helping in some way.

Here's an example: He told people,"I was selfish, I
just wanted to protect Pauline and me. She was so
selfless, worrying about the people who were not able
to get out. I just wanted to get us out."

I had to remind a friend who is a neighbor (on our
floor, no less) who was feeling guilty that he didn't
go help people out of the building that, had any of us
tried to help at the time, we most likely would have
died, given the falling debris and the staggering
force of the collapsing towers.

I don't know what to say about it yet. I noticed a
beautiful pair of black pumps left on the sidewalk,
hopefully, so the woman who left them could run
faster. I saw one black woman berate another black
woman who was wearing the veil, down the street from
the flames of Tower 2. I saw another woman in the veil
pushing a baby carriage, walking with two other small
children in the East Village where we finally emerged
from the dust, seeking refuge for ourselves, and I
wanted her to seek refuge for herself and her
children. I screamed in my head, Get home, get your
children home before someone takes revenge on you!

There are flattened emergency vehicles, smiling
National Guardsmen and women who hand out water and
cookies to those of us waiting for an escort to our
homes that may or may not happen. There are the armies
of exhausted firefighters from all over the country.
There are tacky t-shirts that proclaim, "I can't
believe I got out!" There are flags, oh, there are so
many beautiful flags.

I don't want to be here at work, but at least I can be
in a quiet place and have access to email and such. My
office building has an awesome view of the smouldering
pit where the World Trade Center used to be. My
colleagues made me sit with my back to the windows of
our cafeteria today, where I usually sit facing them,
looking out over the Hudson at the building where Drew
used to work.

I don't know what else to say right now.

Take care, love, Pauline

Date: Mon, 17 Sep 2001 11:24:44 -0700 (PDT)

Subject: Re: Chaos