story9417.xml

story9417.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2003-08-13

This is dedicated to all the Mental Health Care workers who provided care to the emotional victims of 9/11/01

I am a physician assistant and was working at the Veterans Hospital in Lyons,NJ that morning.
As our treatment team began morning rounds our psychologist calmly said, something?s going on at the WTC.? Pt.?s were in their lounge, watching the morning show and we noticed the first reports there. We stood glued to our places for a few minutes.
Like most people at first we thought of a small plane crashing; I thought of a bad electrical fire?until the second hit.
My sister worked on the 102nd floor?she was running late that morning and survived only due to chance. She stopped to talk briefly with someone and missed her train.
In the hospital setting it was necessary to maintain composure around patients. It was very difficult. Soon the chief of mental health was making rounds of each unit; requesting that TV?s be turned off to prevent panic among our patients.
I ran for the desk phone and dialed my brother-in-law?he answered on the first ring and all he could say was ?She got out..Eileens? out? and the line went dead.
I was able to make one call home and spoke briefly to my husband?he was spreading the word that Eileen was OK.
The communications were down and soon the VA police were making rounds as well, equipped with walkie-talkies.
The hospital chaplains were also present; I sat with one chaplain and sobbed as I realized that just being out of that inferno did not guarantee safety( the first tower had just collapsed?I knew my sister could not outrun what I saw?)
The chaplain sat with me, prayed? I think he was crying too.
It still amazes me that the nurses were able to continue patient care and stay calm and focused. They were amazing.
Some patients understood what was happening; others did not.
One veteran heard Dan Rather say that an initial estimate of lives lost was 50,000 (I think they based this on the potential capacity of the twin towers) and that vet said to all of us, ?that?s more than died in ?Nam.? He shook his head. Regardless of the number it was still beyond all comprehension.
I sat with one psychiatrist as the news of the Pentagon and Pennsylvania crash came in?the initial news reports were that eight planes were unaccounted for and we sat together wondering where those other four planes were going to crash. Of course this was an inaccurate report?who could blame anyone that day?
The initial reports of what had happened soon turned to how it happened and then wild speculation on who did this?
The hospital told all employees that they were to remain on duty until relieved as the initial response was to expect overflow casualties from NY. We waited, waited, but sadly there were so few injuries, only fatalities, that our hospital did not receive any wounded, to the best of my knowledge.
I can?t remember much more that day. I volunteered to return later that night and drove home to Pennsylvania to get a bag and turn around... still hoping more people would be found alive and need medical care. We really didn?t give up that hope for several days since every few hours the news would report one more person found alive?and far too many found dead. Still, that one found continued to fan our hopes, like an ember in a dying fire.
It wasn?t until I got home to my family that I realized that federal buildings were potential targets... and I worked in one!
I could not leave my family that night; my teenage children, my husband and my mother.
We heard very late that night that Eileen had walked from home to 49th street; it took her most of the day.
I know I drove home but can?t remember doing that.
When I finally was able to get through by phone to Eileen I kept begging her to get out of the city and up to Pennsylvania; I?m sure she was in shock and she said she could wait ?til Friday, when she normally came to PA for the weekend.
Her company put out a list of survivors next week; someone mixed up the list of missing with the list of survivors and I called her, as she didn?t have internet access, and read the names of her friends on the survivor list. She was overjoyed to hear so many names?then I realized that HER name was not there. I thought they were just having trouble finding her but when I checked that list that afternoon; the heading of ?Survivors? had been changed to ?Missing??someone in another branch of the company had switched the lists accidentally?I had to call her and tell her that her friends were NOT found?it was like losing them twice?most never were recovered and she spent months going to funerals and memorial services.
We met on Friday night, 9/14; in front of our church?my mom and I embraced her and just sobbed and hugged her. A member of our church came over and asked if we had lost someone in the disaster?I found that surprising and told her we were crying for joy?and my sister, for her lost friends. That evening, after our prayer vigil at St. Patrick?s in Milford, PA, she placed her work ID near the statue of the blessed virgin.
The following week her company announced they would hold counseling sessions and a memorial but she need her ID to get in! She called, very upset, but our pastor had wisely kept it safe for her.
In the week that followed I drove to work and cried whenever I was alone?I confided this to two other friends at work and they both said they were doing the same?they seemed relieved that they were not the only ones?
My children?s teachers later taught the children about the Islamic faith, so as to distinguish the faith from the horrific acts done by a madman in the name of that faith.
The VA worked intensively in addressing the trauma and its? effects, not only on patients but on all employees. We received critical stress debriefing?it was a very supportive time and the support still goes on?
It was a time when people who were total strangers leaned on one another, helped one another, even saved one another?that has changed and last week I heard a discussion about how the names of the victims should be listed on the memorial at ground zero.
One man felt that names of all victims should be grouped together?Firemen, Police, and Port Authority workers, along with workers from the WTC. Another person wants the FDNY separate from the WTC workers because they ?gave more? than others?it?s very bizarre?
Rabbi Potosnak said something at the interfaith memorial that addresses loss so well.
He said, ?Five thousand people did not die on that day; one person died five thousand times.?
Some asked if I flew the flag more after the attack. No, not really, we always did put it up ,particulary on national holidays, as a tradition. Now, when we put it up it's a statement.
What should we remember? That's a very personal decision.
This was like a death in the family, the inital deep greiving, followed by a a shaky resumption of ordinary activities and at last, the ability to talk about the loss.
Some saw too much and need to forget some of it. There is no one right way to remember 9/11; each must remember in their own way.