story10905.xml
Title
story10905.xml
Source
born-digital
Media Type
story
Date Entered
2004-09-11
911DA Story: Story
First, I want to thank the people involved with this site and say thank you for enabling me to come here, read stories and submit my own. I have had the need to express exactly how I felt that day and how I feel the same day 3 years later.
I was at my home in East Liverpool, Ohio and had just got my son onto the school bus and was starting my morning routine of washing the dishes. I'm not a big tv watcher, but do like it's "company"...just hearing the tv is good enough sometimes. I usually tune into the weather channel but this morning, for no apparent reason, I had CNN on. I don't usually watch any news channels unless there is something of importance that I want to catch up on. I had no reason to have CNN on this morning, no reason at all. Or so I thought. All things happen for a reason (big believer in that) and the tragedy on our country was the "reason" CNN was on my tv that morning).
As I was washing the dishes, thinking about the rest of the junk I had to do that day, I glanced at the tv because I heard "excited" voices. I literally did a double take at the tv. At first I thought it was footage from an upcoming movie or archive footage and wasn't sure what I was seeing, but had the feeling it wasn't good. I grabbed the dish towel to dry my hands and walked toward the couch where Steve was sleeping, got the remote to turn up the news and watched in disbelief. Still not sure what was happening I woke Steve and said he needed to see this. He sat up blurry eyed, asked what it was and before I responded he said "hey, that's the WTC". I sat on the couch with him at that very moment and only left it within the next few weeks a handful of times. CNN and various other tv channels became an obsession for the info I (we) needed. It was like a life-support system at that time...we had to know and see everything we possibly could to believe it and deal with it. I have never had so many emotions go on in me in my life. Fear. Guilt. Pain. Denial. More pain. More fear. Helplessness...alot of that. I wanted to drop my life and everything in it and drive the hours to NYC to help. I wanted to volunteer my time and services to everyone in NYC to do whatever I could to help these people. I didn't care if it was handing out paper towels or picking up paper...I just needed to be able to do something and to be close to NYC. I never went. I wanted to, I should have, but I never did. I still have the guilt from that. I instead, watched thousands of people in tears, my heart breaking for them all. I watched fire-fighters and the police look mournful. I looked so hard at the faces in the pictures of those missing. My God I should have went to NYC.
Our lives had changed. That morning I wanted to go to the school and get my son and bring him home. I fought that urge though. I knew it would scare him and he needed to understand what was going on, but he needed to feel safe at the same time. I decided to leave him in school and deal with the fear of him being there just to make life as "normal" as possible. Whatever normal was from then on.
As we watched the tragedy unfold that morning and the weeks and months afterward, every plane that flew over brought an uncertain quiet. Just not knowing who it was or where it was heading and who was on it actually brought fear and panic. I still to this day feel different when a plane flies overhead. I probably always will. That whole thing is intensified because I live a short distance from one of the very first nuclear power stations in the USA. Although it has been heavily guarded, both air and land, it is still a scary thing. Very scary.
As we watched CNN that morning, my sister-in-law popped into my head. Oh my God. Melissa flew out of Pittsburgh on a commuter jet to her home base in NYC. From NY, I didn't know where she was headed. It took 2 days to find her. She is a flight attendant on American Airlines (still is). I called the airline. I was given the info very quickly, that Melissa was not listed on any of the flights that had went down. I still didn't feel any better for some reason. We still hadn't heard from her. Even her mom hadn't heard from her. 2 days later I got a call from her. Her voice was...I can't describe it to you. She had switched flights with another flight-attendant that day (9-11). The other girl needed to go elsewhere and offered Melissa her flight, which she took. Melissa always flew within the USA, but today, she had flown Internationally. Thank God she was ok. She said her guilty feelings were so powerful because of the trade. Her friend and colleague had been killed on one of the flights that had been taken over by terrorists. She had absolutely no idea what was to happen. Nobody (other than those bastards that took over the planes) did. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. So is she. She and her family and friends...and her small son had been spared that morning. She said she had no idea what was going on. She was on a beach with a cool drink in her hand with other flight attendants from American Airlines. No tv, no radio to hear the news. Her guilt will most likely be with her forever now. After 9-11, she didn't fly for quite awhile. When she did, she flew Internationally. Eventually she returned to fly within the United States.
A few days after 9-11, I began searching on the internet for photos and stories, basically everything I could find. I also watched the coverage religiously and "went" to the funerals that were aired and mourned with the families and friends of those lost. Some of the photos I found were....evil. I say this because the smoke in the pictures "made" faces...faces of demonic things. My God. Tears were a way of life now. Pain and sorrow for the men and women killed when forced into the WTC, Pentagon and that field. Pain and sorrow for their families and friends. And the guilt from not going to help out. I kept watching the news. I kept saving the pictures and stories to my computer. I printed out many of one photo in particular that a child had drawn of Jesus, with his hands spread and a cloud in between them with the people from the tragedy on it and below that cloud was the WTC...the cloud had been made to look like the smoke coming from the WTC. God was welcoming his children home. That picture still hangs on my fridge for everyone to see. It was the most touching picture I had ever seen. It gives you a chill to look at it.
My mind kept whirling. I needed to DO something. Anything. I started writing my words on pieces of paper and on my computer. Just words of how I was feeling. I needed an outlet of some kind. I had never been in this kind of tragedy before. All of the history of the USA had come way before my time or whenI was a kid and didn't remember. Now, as an adult, a tragedy like this occured that would change the USA and our lives as we had known them. I felt I needed to change too. Everytime I saw another person on the tv showing a picture of their husband or wife or friend...my heart broke again and again and again. Total strangers to me had become my firend and I mourned with them and for them. I wondered how many other people felt that exact same way. I wondered how others expressed their feelings about what was happening. I wondered if I knew anyone that was on one of those planes or in the WTC. I started thinking more and more about my own family and friends. I wanted to change the way I spoke to people and the way I lived my life. I know life is precious and can be taken away at any minute, but until a tragedy occurs, that thought is deep within us, not on the surface usually. I changed more than what I thought I would. I get sad and upset within a second of laughing and having fun. I don't always think about 9-11, but I wonder if that is why I am feeling the way i do so fast. And lately, I have watched a DVD called "What We Saw", a documentary that came with a book on 9-11 I had bought. But I am sickening about it, I watch it over and over and over again. And here it is, 9-11-2004 and I have it on as I write this. I know I should have went to New York that day and I will probably feel this "need" til I die. I still wish I could do something for someone, anyone involved directly with 9-11. I still feel that helplessness and empty. Antidepressants help with those feelings a little, but the thoughts of that day, the images, the voices on tv of the families and the people that got out of the buildings are still so hard to deal with. I cannot imagine what they feel each and everyday as they try to pick up their pieces and live day after day after day. I think about Rudy Guiliani. I think he was a "rock" not only for the city and it's residents, but for the whole country. That's what I like to see...just what he did, he got in there and DID, not just talk about it and tell others what they should-should not do. Rudy is a hero in my eyes. Everyone who dug in in NY is a hero to me. Just as a Texan had said, "we aren't Texans or New Yorkers now" meaning that we are Americans, all of us. And I do believe that this tragedy has brought us all (the US) closer together. It has opened eyes of so many. Blacks and whites worked side by side, cried together and helped together. There was no conflict of color. There was no conflict of sex or minorities. We were all Americans. So was this a wake-up call? I think so. I don't look at others and judge them by what they are wearing or what color they are. Who cares?! There are important things in this old world that need dealt with and it sure IS NOT what the neighbor is wearing or what color he/she is. So, once again, all of emotions are surfacing, 3 years later within the hour of the tragedy. And my story might not mean much to anyone else, but it's what I have felt since that day in 2001. A day I, nor anyone will ever forget. I just wish there was something more I could do now. Some way I could help.
Hopefully though, even one person that was directly effected by this tragedy will read this...and if they do, my words to them is "I care. My heart still breaks for you and the loved one you lost. I will forever be changed by what has happened and I will NEVER forget 9-11, the people killed, the survivors, the men and women who gave up thier lives to help. You will never be forgotten". God Bless you.
I was at my home in East Liverpool, Ohio and had just got my son onto the school bus and was starting my morning routine of washing the dishes. I'm not a big tv watcher, but do like it's "company"...just hearing the tv is good enough sometimes. I usually tune into the weather channel but this morning, for no apparent reason, I had CNN on. I don't usually watch any news channels unless there is something of importance that I want to catch up on. I had no reason to have CNN on this morning, no reason at all. Or so I thought. All things happen for a reason (big believer in that) and the tragedy on our country was the "reason" CNN was on my tv that morning).
As I was washing the dishes, thinking about the rest of the junk I had to do that day, I glanced at the tv because I heard "excited" voices. I literally did a double take at the tv. At first I thought it was footage from an upcoming movie or archive footage and wasn't sure what I was seeing, but had the feeling it wasn't good. I grabbed the dish towel to dry my hands and walked toward the couch where Steve was sleeping, got the remote to turn up the news and watched in disbelief. Still not sure what was happening I woke Steve and said he needed to see this. He sat up blurry eyed, asked what it was and before I responded he said "hey, that's the WTC". I sat on the couch with him at that very moment and only left it within the next few weeks a handful of times. CNN and various other tv channels became an obsession for the info I (we) needed. It was like a life-support system at that time...we had to know and see everything we possibly could to believe it and deal with it. I have never had so many emotions go on in me in my life. Fear. Guilt. Pain. Denial. More pain. More fear. Helplessness...alot of that. I wanted to drop my life and everything in it and drive the hours to NYC to help. I wanted to volunteer my time and services to everyone in NYC to do whatever I could to help these people. I didn't care if it was handing out paper towels or picking up paper...I just needed to be able to do something and to be close to NYC. I never went. I wanted to, I should have, but I never did. I still have the guilt from that. I instead, watched thousands of people in tears, my heart breaking for them all. I watched fire-fighters and the police look mournful. I looked so hard at the faces in the pictures of those missing. My God I should have went to NYC.
Our lives had changed. That morning I wanted to go to the school and get my son and bring him home. I fought that urge though. I knew it would scare him and he needed to understand what was going on, but he needed to feel safe at the same time. I decided to leave him in school and deal with the fear of him being there just to make life as "normal" as possible. Whatever normal was from then on.
As we watched the tragedy unfold that morning and the weeks and months afterward, every plane that flew over brought an uncertain quiet. Just not knowing who it was or where it was heading and who was on it actually brought fear and panic. I still to this day feel different when a plane flies overhead. I probably always will. That whole thing is intensified because I live a short distance from one of the very first nuclear power stations in the USA. Although it has been heavily guarded, both air and land, it is still a scary thing. Very scary.
As we watched CNN that morning, my sister-in-law popped into my head. Oh my God. Melissa flew out of Pittsburgh on a commuter jet to her home base in NYC. From NY, I didn't know where she was headed. It took 2 days to find her. She is a flight attendant on American Airlines (still is). I called the airline. I was given the info very quickly, that Melissa was not listed on any of the flights that had went down. I still didn't feel any better for some reason. We still hadn't heard from her. Even her mom hadn't heard from her. 2 days later I got a call from her. Her voice was...I can't describe it to you. She had switched flights with another flight-attendant that day (9-11). The other girl needed to go elsewhere and offered Melissa her flight, which she took. Melissa always flew within the USA, but today, she had flown Internationally. Thank God she was ok. She said her guilty feelings were so powerful because of the trade. Her friend and colleague had been killed on one of the flights that had been taken over by terrorists. She had absolutely no idea what was to happen. Nobody (other than those bastards that took over the planes) did. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. So is she. She and her family and friends...and her small son had been spared that morning. She said she had no idea what was going on. She was on a beach with a cool drink in her hand with other flight attendants from American Airlines. No tv, no radio to hear the news. Her guilt will most likely be with her forever now. After 9-11, she didn't fly for quite awhile. When she did, she flew Internationally. Eventually she returned to fly within the United States.
A few days after 9-11, I began searching on the internet for photos and stories, basically everything I could find. I also watched the coverage religiously and "went" to the funerals that were aired and mourned with the families and friends of those lost. Some of the photos I found were....evil. I say this because the smoke in the pictures "made" faces...faces of demonic things. My God. Tears were a way of life now. Pain and sorrow for the men and women killed when forced into the WTC, Pentagon and that field. Pain and sorrow for their families and friends. And the guilt from not going to help out. I kept watching the news. I kept saving the pictures and stories to my computer. I printed out many of one photo in particular that a child had drawn of Jesus, with his hands spread and a cloud in between them with the people from the tragedy on it and below that cloud was the WTC...the cloud had been made to look like the smoke coming from the WTC. God was welcoming his children home. That picture still hangs on my fridge for everyone to see. It was the most touching picture I had ever seen. It gives you a chill to look at it.
My mind kept whirling. I needed to DO something. Anything. I started writing my words on pieces of paper and on my computer. Just words of how I was feeling. I needed an outlet of some kind. I had never been in this kind of tragedy before. All of the history of the USA had come way before my time or whenI was a kid and didn't remember. Now, as an adult, a tragedy like this occured that would change the USA and our lives as we had known them. I felt I needed to change too. Everytime I saw another person on the tv showing a picture of their husband or wife or friend...my heart broke again and again and again. Total strangers to me had become my firend and I mourned with them and for them. I wondered how many other people felt that exact same way. I wondered how others expressed their feelings about what was happening. I wondered if I knew anyone that was on one of those planes or in the WTC. I started thinking more and more about my own family and friends. I wanted to change the way I spoke to people and the way I lived my life. I know life is precious and can be taken away at any minute, but until a tragedy occurs, that thought is deep within us, not on the surface usually. I changed more than what I thought I would. I get sad and upset within a second of laughing and having fun. I don't always think about 9-11, but I wonder if that is why I am feeling the way i do so fast. And lately, I have watched a DVD called "What We Saw", a documentary that came with a book on 9-11 I had bought. But I am sickening about it, I watch it over and over and over again. And here it is, 9-11-2004 and I have it on as I write this. I know I should have went to New York that day and I will probably feel this "need" til I die. I still wish I could do something for someone, anyone involved directly with 9-11. I still feel that helplessness and empty. Antidepressants help with those feelings a little, but the thoughts of that day, the images, the voices on tv of the families and the people that got out of the buildings are still so hard to deal with. I cannot imagine what they feel each and everyday as they try to pick up their pieces and live day after day after day. I think about Rudy Guiliani. I think he was a "rock" not only for the city and it's residents, but for the whole country. That's what I like to see...just what he did, he got in there and DID, not just talk about it and tell others what they should-should not do. Rudy is a hero in my eyes. Everyone who dug in in NY is a hero to me. Just as a Texan had said, "we aren't Texans or New Yorkers now" meaning that we are Americans, all of us. And I do believe that this tragedy has brought us all (the US) closer together. It has opened eyes of so many. Blacks and whites worked side by side, cried together and helped together. There was no conflict of color. There was no conflict of sex or minorities. We were all Americans. So was this a wake-up call? I think so. I don't look at others and judge them by what they are wearing or what color they are. Who cares?! There are important things in this old world that need dealt with and it sure IS NOT what the neighbor is wearing or what color he/she is. So, once again, all of emotions are surfacing, 3 years later within the hour of the tragedy. And my story might not mean much to anyone else, but it's what I have felt since that day in 2001. A day I, nor anyone will ever forget. I just wish there was something more I could do now. Some way I could help.
Hopefully though, even one person that was directly effected by this tragedy will read this...and if they do, my words to them is "I care. My heart still breaks for you and the loved one you lost. I will forever be changed by what has happened and I will NEVER forget 9-11, the people killed, the survivors, the men and women who gave up thier lives to help. You will never be forgotten". God Bless you.
Collection
Citation
“story10905.xml,” September 11 Digital Archive, accessed December 19, 2025, https://911digitalarchive.org/items/show/16936.