story7081.xml

story7081.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-09-13

I work for Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield, which was located in the North Tower at the World Trade Center. Though I was not there on 9/11/01, I had written the account below for a departmental archive.

Tuesday, 9/11/01

I was up at 6:30 AM. The breakout sessions for the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association Contact Center Conference, being held in Westminster, Colorado, would be starting at 9:00. Learning my lesson from the day before, I wanted to get an early start so I could stake my claim at the breakfast buffet before the hoards of attendees ravished the spread.

My hotel room had a breathtaking view of the Rocky Mountains, and I couldn?t help but gaze from my balcony at the majestic backdrop these mountains provided at this early hour. I had spent some time hiking and camping in these very same mountains back in the day, when I drove out with my friend Warren, who was starting college at the University of Boulder that fall. I remembered waking up one morning and all around our campsite were deer, carefully walking about looking for food. I scrambled for a camera, but the deer quickly departed before I could take a picture.

As I recalled this until-then forgotten memory, I was thinking that the world is a beautiful place. Sure, there were problems and injustices, but just then looking at this amazing scene, all which seemed insignificant. I pulled myself away from the balcony and took a shower.

As I was toweling off, I heard my phone ring. ?It?s very early to be getting a call?, I thought as I made my way to the phone. My wife Mary Ann was on the line. She frantically told me that something happened at the World Trade Center, some type of explosion or fire. I immediately turned on the television and switched to CNN. When I saw the North Tower engulfed in flames, it seemed surreal, like a scene from some bad ?70?s disaster movie. I couldn?t find any words to say. Immediately, I thought of my co-workers. I started to panic. They were located primarily on the 30th floor. The flames seemed to be towards the top of the tower, but looking at the TV, I couldn?t tell how near or far the 30th floor was to the fire. At that moment, I saw something traveling towards the South Tower and exploding. At first I was confused ? maybe they were replaying the video from the first explosion. It was then that it was discovered that not one, but two planes had crashed into the towers. It didn?t seem possible that two planes could mistakenly crash into these buildings. The news then indicated that a third plane had crashed into the Pentagon and a fourth had crashed somewhere in Pennsylvania.

?We?re under attack? I finally managed to say.
?Thank God you?re over there? Mary Ann kept repeating.

Things at the school where she teaches were starting to get crazy. Frightened parents were showing up wanting to pull their kids out of school, kids who had parents at the World Trade Center were frantic and needed support, so she had to get off the phone.

?Thank God you?re over there?? That sentence really made its impact after I hung up the phone. If it were not for a last-minute decision by management to send me to this conference, I would have been there. Again, my thoughts went out to my co-workers. ?Did everyone get out safely?? That question was running through my mind the whole time I sat and watched the Towers burning. It then occurred to me that my family didn?t know I was on this trip, and would probably think that I was at work. I tried calling my mother, but the lines into New York were busy. I called my father who lives in Pennsylvania.

?Dad, I?m OK. I?m in Colorado on business?.
?Oh my God! Thank God you?re over there?, he said.

I asked him to try and call mom and my sisters to let them know. It was then I realized that my sister Ginny lives in Battery Park City, which is right near the World Trade Center.

?Ginny is OK? my father said. ?She was at work in midtown. She?s with your mom.? Ginny?s husband Rich was out of town. He also told me that Kim, my other sister, was in Delaware on business.

My father works for a company that is based in Loveland, Colorado. He said if I needed anything to contact them right away.

I then spent the rest of the day watching the around-the-clock news coverage and making phone calls, trying to get a hold of anyone at Empire that could tell me what was going on. My calls to Albany went unanswered. I left a rambling Phonemail message for John in our Melville office, asking him if he had any news, then forgetting to leave him my number at the hotel. My cell phone, besides getting poor reception, was unreachable due to it having a NYC area code. There was no reaching any number in the city or the boroughs.

I never felt so helpless in my life. ?If only I was there, maybe I could have helped somebody out?, was a thought that was in my mind constantly. But another, more distressing thought that would not desist was, ?Why was I spared?? This thought is the one that tortured me. The guilt I was feeling was so deep I thought I would succumb to its depths. For some strange reason, I had it in my mind that if I just stayed glued to the television set, that that would somehow insure the safety of not only my co-workers, but also the other occupants of the buildings. This thinking began to change when the coverage of the attack started showing people, faced with the ferocious heat and smoke from the burning fire, choosing instead to jump to their death.

My feelings were a virtual mish-mash of incredulity, horror, revulsion, sadness, anger and guilt. The guilt intensified the more I watched these horrible scenes. The fact that I couldn?t reach anyone in Empire made things even worse. I had absolutely no idea what had befallen the people I had worked with for the past two and a half years. I kept telling myself, ?They were low enough in the tower; they would certainly have been able to get out?.

It was about this time that the South Tower came crashing down. Now I was numb. ?How could this be happening?? I was asking myself. I tried to comprehend the impact such a collapse would have, and I started crying. It was just too overwhelming. I fell to my knees and started praying to God that He would be merciful, that most of the people were not at work yet when the planes first crashed, and that whoever was there was able to get out safely. I knew this was fantasy, however, I needed to hold on to this thought for my own sanity.

Eventually, I could not stay in my room any longer. After I had watched the North Tower fall for what seemed like fifty times, I ventured outside to get something to eat. It was purely out of habit, simply a reason to get out of my room. I ended up leaving half of my lunch uneaten.

I went back to the hotel and ran into some of the other conference attendees. The workshops had been cancelled, so many of the people were just milling around the lobby. They knew I was from Empire, and also knew that Empire was located at the World Trade Center, so they were very concerned and asked if I knew anything. Their words seemed slowed and garbled, but somehow I understood what they were asking. I told them I had been unsuccessful in contacting anyone from another office for news. They were sympathetic, but I didn?t want to be around any other people. I hurriedly excused myself and sought out a nearby payphone to continue my contact attempts.

I finally got a hold of Ina in our Albany office.

?Ina, can you tell me what?s going on?? I practically screamed. It was 4:00 MST.

?OK, OK, everyone in Mike?s shop is accounted for?.

I started rattling off names ? Joe, Art, Brendan, Tony, Paul, Jackie, Shalom?the list went on and on. Ina very patiently told me that they were all OK.

I started to breathe a little easier. ?What about the rest of the company? Is anyone else missing??

?Well, there are still some people who haven?t checked in yet. We have a toll-free number set up for this, and a group of CSR?s who are calling employees to make sure they?re safe?.

Seeing people leaping to their death was heavy enough ? now this news hit much closer to home. I didn?t know what to say.

?You still there?? she asked.

?Yeah?.

Ina told me not to worry, that people had been calling in all day, and that the missing list was shrinking by the hour. I thanked her and hung up. Knowing that my co-workers were safe gave was a relief, but I still felt shitty twenty different ways. The ever-present guilt was gnawing away at me.


Wednesday, 9/12/01

I don?t know how, but I made it through the night. I woke up the next morning; the conference was officially over and I was supposed to be flying back to New York that afternoon. However, all the airports in the United States were closed indefinitely. The governor of Colorado held a press conference and stated that Denver International may not be open until Saturday at the earliest.

Saturday??? There was absolutely no way I was going to wait around until then. I felt the undeniable need to get back to New York as soon as possible. I asked Mary Ann if she could get any information from Amtrak. She waited on the phone for almost an hour before she hung up in exasperation. It was at that moment when I decided I was going to take the rental car and drive back. I had made the drive before when I helped Warren move out to Boulder, and my father had made this trek numerous times for work.

I called Avis and told them that instead of returning the car that day at DIA, I would be returning it in New York. The agent didn?t sound surprised at all, but she informed me that all the bridges and tunnels into New York had been closed.

?I?ll worry about that when I get there? I said.

I called Mary Ann and told her my plans. She was not thrilled with the idea of me driving 2000-plus miles by myself. Additionally, she was torn between her wanting me with her, and wanting me to be safe by staying in Colorado. However, when she heard that I had made up my mind to return, she didn?t fight me.

I packed my suitcase and was exiting the elevator when I ran into the same two attendees I had seen the day before. They saw my suitcase and asked how I was getting back.

?I?m taking my rental and driving?.

?By yourself?? they asked in unison.

I couldn?t understand why people thought this was such a strange idea. It seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I had the radio to keep me company, and I would stop for coffee if I felt myself getting drowsy. Simple.

The driving was actually very therapeutic. After feeling so damn helpless for the last 24 hours, I finally felt that I had some modicum of control.

The whole way back I listened to the local National Public Radio station. They were covering all the news conferences and were providing updates 24 hours. I was struck by the patriotism I saw driving cross-country. It was then I realized that this attack had affected everyone in the nation.


I still grapple to this day with the guilt I felt last 9/11 at not being at the World Trade Center, especially when I see that some of my co-workers are still living the nightmare. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason. It was not my fault I wasn?t there. I have no control over these things. Most of the time it helps, sometimes it doesn?t. It seems harder to accept now that the anniversary of the attack is upon us. It seems to have kicked up a lot of feelings that I had thought were resolved. Hopefully, with time and by sharing with others, I will be able to finally come to terms with this guilt, and perhaps come to know the reason why I was not supposed to be there that fateful day.