story863.xml

story863.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-07-06

As with all other significant dates in american history,September 11th,2001 will be added to the list of dates in which people ask,"where were you when?".I was on duty at Fire Station 13 that morning. The daily routine was in full swing. We prepared and ate breakfast, and were starting our annual "spring cleaning". Everyone was working on a particular project, when everyone started yelling to get in the livingroom. On CNN we were witnessing live 1 WTC burn after an explosion of some type. As with late breaking news, reliable information is usually hard to come by. Seconds after walking into the room, a large commercial aircraft appeared on the right of the screen and impacted the 2 WTC. Everyone was stunned. At first we all thought it was video footage from the plane hitting the first tower, when in fact it was the second plane of the attack. A short while later we witnessed the collapse of both towers. After 2 WTC collapsed we all knew that we had lost brother firefighters in the collapse,both from those still inside the towers attempting rescue and fire suppression, as well as all those in staging areas on the ground. One of my crewmates, who happens to play the bagpipes in the honor guard,had his pipes there at the station, and went out into the apparatus room and played Amazing Grace for our fallen brothers. The rest of the shift was a blur of daily routine and phone calls from our families. I have a daughter who was four at the time. When I called my ex-wife to talk to my daughter,Danica, she wanted to know if I was safe now. I told her that I was,but she didn't understand where NYC is in relation to Ft.Wayne,Indiana. That evening the news reports kept flashing 1-800 numbers for family assistance and for volunteers to call in to provide assistance. I copied dwon all of them, and the next morning when I was relieved of duty, I went home to start calling the numbers. I felt that I had to do something. I was new to the fire service in 1995, and was at the fire station the day of the Oklahoma City bombing. I had such a feeling of helplessness that day. I was supposed to have to knowledge and expertise to handle that sort of thing, but I didn't and it hurt. On September 11, I knew that it was my turn. Suprisingly, my younger brother who has no aspirations of emergency service, told me he was going to go with me and volunteer with the Red Cross doing whatever they'd let him do. My family nd my girlfriend at first didn't understand why we were going. The entire country was still reeling and holding its breath hoping that the worst was over, yet fearing that it wasn't. Reports were coming in of search and rescue parties becoming lost or trapped in the rubble, of bodies and body parts in the streets, and of intensly burning fires that were out of control and unreachable. While the entire country came together to do whatever it could, we believed this was what we could contribute. On the 13th of September,my 26th birthday, we left for NYC. Twelve hours later we arrived and made our way to the Jakob Javitz convention center. My brother found a Red Cross station set up there and we said our goodbyes to each other. I had spoken to an FDNY battalion chief and he told me where to report for a ride to the disaster site. As for the work those days, I don't believe that I'll ever really recover from what I saw,heard,smelled and felt. But as with all other great tragedies of this magnitude and previous generations and thier hurdles, I can try to push it to the back of my mind. Most days are pretty good. Others are really tough to deal with. I don't think my family really understands how this still affects me. And on those hard days I get mad at myself for feeling this way,because I didn't lose a family member or brother firefighter that I worked beside everyday. I know that losing that would be so much harder than what I am going through and then I'm furious that I am this weak.

My brother and I worked for three days on adrenaline and pure emotion.On the fourth day,so many volunteers were pouring into the city,we knew we were needed no longer. A guy that my brother had been working with,named Glenn, told us that we were in no condition to drive home. He and his girlfriend, Julie, and her room mate, Holly, NYC natives let us shower,eat and sleep at thier small NYC apartment. Ironically,the apartment house sits two blocks north of FDNY Rescue 1's quarters. On our way there,we passed Rescue 1's quarters and the entire front sidewalk was covered with pictures,flowers and candles as well as people standing vigil outside. After a good hot shower,good food and a lot of support from our new-found friends, we headed for home.

A few days later, I returned to work at the firehouse,and all of my co-workers that had supported me from home in doing what we did, were distant and cold towards me. They were all talking about how bad it must be to have to work there and what it must smell like there.Yet, no one asked what my firsthand knowledge of it was. The silent treatment continued for a few days,when I finally put in for a transfer to a different shift and station assignment.

Eight months later, I lost my job as a firefighter. Several charges were brought against me by the chief of the department, including disobeying a direct order not to travel to NYC to assist in rescue efforts. He claims that I also violated a federal order from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, not to travel to NYC. Despite proving in a hearing that both orders were dispatched the day my brother and I were returning home from NYC, I lost my position as a proffesional firefighter.

All in all, I will recover from this in every aspect of the situation, personally and professionally as the rest of the country has recovered and found itself.