VTMBH Article: Body
The first time I stepped into a yeshiva, when I was nine, I felt like a stranger in a strange land.
My parents and I had moved here from Ukraine only a few months earlier, so this was my first school in the United States. Plus, the yeshiva was a private school, and there were no male students, which seemed unnatural to me.
What made me most nervous was that it was a religious school. I believe in God, but religion wasnt part of my daily life.
Still, I got a warm welcome that first day at the yeshiva. The teacher smiled as she introduced me to my new classmates. The girls were friendly and two of them even pushed their desks towards mine so they could share their textbook with me. And it turned out many of the girls there spoke my languageRussianso I had no problem communicating with them.
But I felt weird about fitting in, and uneasy. Even though no one else knew it, the girls surrounding me were all Jewish and I was only half. My father Jewish and my mothers Christian.
<b>Christened in Ukraine</b>
For the first eight years of my life, I was raised as a Christian. I was christened at a Greek Orthodox church in Kiev, Ukraine.
I became aware at four or five that my parents were of different religious origins. They told me that before I was born, theyd agreed about which religion Id practiceChristianitywith the condition that Id be exposed to both.
I was young, so I didnt understand much about Christianity, but my mother took me to the church nearly every week and read me the Bible once in a while. She told me about Christian holidays such as Easter, the only holiday that I remember regularly observing.
I also recall praying to Jesus as well as to God. The church had a beautiful icon of Jesus, a long and colorful portrait that portrayed Jesus face distinctly, especially his wide-open blue eyes.
<b>Soviets against religion</b>
All practice of religion had been discouraged under Communist rule in the Soviet Union, which Ukraine was a part of until 1991. My mother felt forced to keep her Christian practices to a minimum as a child and a grown woman. It as only after my birth that she felt more liberated in religious matters.
It was even worse for my father, because Jews had been discriminated against for generations. My dad was unable to practice his religion as freely as my mom and wasnt educated about his own religious background and practices. He didnt know much about keeping Shabbat (the Jewish day of rest), or other holidays besides the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and Passover.
But he wanted me to acknowledge some Judaism, so he took me to a temple one Rosh Hashanah when I was six. I recall dipping pieces of apple into honey and receiving a bow and arrow as a present from the rabbi to all the kids.
<b>Moving to the United States</b>
We moved to the United States in January 1992. Since the Chernobyl nuclear reactor explosion in 1986, Id often been sick with viral and stomach infections and was hospitalized for a month with severe hives. My parents wanted to take me out of that harmful environment and bring me somewhere safer.
We also moved because of discrimination against my fathers religion. We wanted to move to where hed be free to be Jewish. So when my uncle, who was already in the United States, sent us an invitation to come here, we did.
When my parents and I moved to America, everything changed. We felt more liberated than ever. It was easier for us to practice any religion we wanted in any way we wanted.
<b>No one knew I was half</b>
But my parents were scared to put me into an American public school since they heard that public schools were dangerous. Because I was sickly, my parents thought Id be safer and more sheltered attending private school. There were no Christian schools were I lived in Brighton Beach, and the only private school that I could attend was a yeshiva, so my parents decided to enroll me there.
None of my classmates or friends ever knew that I was only half Jewish. I didnt want them to know. I didnt know how they might react or what theyd think of me if they found out. I talked about my father more often than my mother, since she wasnt Jewish.
At first, I didnt feel obligated to practice what everyone else at school was practicing, because I was only half Jewish and we werent observant at home. But over the next several months, I started feeling closer to Judaism and drifting away from Christianity.
>b>Bonding with my father</b>
By fourth grade, Id learned to pray in Hebrew and practice many Jewish customs. At home, I observed Shabbat by lighting candles. I followed Orthodox Jewish law, which prohibits going on transportation and working during Shabbat.
Sometimes I resented Jewish customs, like not eating milk and meat together, which Id loved to do for many years, or not being allowed to watch TV or write on Shabbat. And sometimes when Id pass by a church or see one on TV, Id feel a soft spot for the church, especially its choir and beautiful organ.
But I was happy with my new identity, and it brought me closer to my father. With my yeshiva training, I taught him many things about Judaism, such as how to practice its holidays and customs, and the stories of Purim and Chanukah. We hung out a lot together and it was like we were best friends.
<b>I fit in as a Jew</b>
I started to compare Judaism to Christianity and examine the differences between the two. The most essential difference is that Jews believe in God only and Christians believe in God the Father, Jesus his Son, and the Holy Spirit.
When I was a little girl, Jesus looked like a big hero to me and I loved praying to him, but as I grew olderand especially when I started learning about JudaismI questioned whether Id really had him in my heart. I liked the story of Jesus, but Judaism made more sense to me. It felt more right to pray to God only.
I felt I fit in as a Jew; it warmed my heart to go to school and learn about the religion. I felt more obligated to keep the Jewish holidays and traditions than the Christian ones.
At first, I just wanted to fit in with my classmates, but by fourth grade I started to identify myself as a Jew because I felt I was a Jew for real. I began to let go of my connection to Christianity.
My mom felt left out
But my becoming more Jewish was hard on my mother. My refusal to go to church or celebrate any Christian holidays was heartbreaking for her. Before I went to yeshiva, my mother and I were close. Since my birth, she mostly stayed home and took care of me. Im an only child and we had only ourselves to talk to, so we were each others best friends. She told me everything, just like I told her.
Within the family, who was what religion had never stood out. But after a few years of my attending yeshiva, it was obvious that my dad and I were Jewish and she was Christian. She felt left out many times when my dad and I attended the synagogue or lit candles for Shabbat.
My mother didnt say much about how she felt about my not going to church or celebrating Christian holidays with her. She kept it to herself, but I know she was upset because I could see it in her eyes.
<b>Arguments with my mother</b>
I didnt go to church because I felt it was inappropriate for me as a Jew to even set foot in a church; I felt it was sacrilegious. Sometimes, my dad and I would stand outside the church doors waiting for her to finish attending the service.
At the time, I didnt understand how much it hurt her. I didnt realize how she felt until I got older, around 15.
My mother and I had many arguments about me trying to keep many Jewish customs and traditions. She tried to stop me from going overboard with keeping Shabbat or other holy days, but I wouldnt listen.
I recall one argument we had about my refusal to turn on electricity one Friday night. Nothing will happen to you if you turn on your computer tonight, my mother said. If you recall, youre not a full Jew.
She was rightI wasnt a full Jewbut I was hurt. I felt I was as good and full a Jew as anyone else I knew who was Jewish.
<b>No one could question my Jewishness</b>
I didnt want to hear it, because I wanted to keep Shabbat and not turn on electricity. I truly believe that God would punish me if I did. We argued a lot that night and in the end, I didnt turn on anything electric. Other times, after the same kinds of arguments, I gave in, but then I spent hours feeling guilty and upset.
I became so caught up in practicing Judaism that I didnt notice how much I made my mother and her beliefs invisible to mine. I think thats one reason our relationship is so hostile and damaged now. We love each other very much but there is such a big wall between us, I dont know how well ever break through it.
But my freshman year of high school, I became so infatuated with Judaism that I spent more than an hour praying each day.
I often took longer than my peers to finish my prayers because I took time to actually think about the words as I was saying them, and added the names of sick people to the prayers. Sometimes I was the last one left standing in the lunchroom, where the high school students gathered to pray.
I doubted that, by the time I reached my sophomore year, anyone would question whether I was Jewish or not, including me.
<b>Started feeling suffocated</b>
The role Id been playing for the last five or six yearsobservant Jewish girlhad slowly but surely become me. Id become what the society around me expected me to be. Going to a Jewish school, I felt obligated to be religious; I felt obligated to be a Jew.
I know that it was my choice whether or not to practice the religion, but at times I also felt pressured to do so. In addition, while yeshiva was a warm and safe environment, it was also secluded and isolated. I didnt feel like I was part of the larger world, or that I was expanding my horizons, and that started to bother me.
These feelings built up so much that by the age of 16, I started feeling suffocated. I began to regret passing up my opportunity to go to a respected Brooklyn public high school focusing on journalism. I wondered what I was missing.
Getting sick with what turned out to be chronic fatigue syndrome raised new questions for me about my yeshiva experience. Whenever I got sick and missed class, I received few phone calls from my classmates asking me how I felt, and that made me feel unimportant. No one made me a get-well card.
<b>Feeling like an outsider, again</b>
I felt my academic accomplishments werent appreciated either. Even though I was sick, I did very well on one of my Regents exams, and my principal asked me to come in the last day before summer vacation and make a speech to the class about trying hard and succeeding in school.
But I didnt receive any awards certificates for my accomplishments like the rest of my class, and I wasnt called up to say one word. That hurt me very much.
I didnt lose faith in the Jewish religion, but I did lose faith in my Jewish classmates and teachers. I stopped feeling like I belonged, and started to feel once again like a stranger in a strange land, just like I did on my first day.
The next fall, I transferred to my neighborhood public high school, Lincoln High School, though that was partly because my illness made attending private school difficult. One among the many reasons why I left was I felt I no longer belonged there. I was also unhappy about the conflicts with my mom over my religious practices and just wanted it to end.
When I finally left yeshiva, I felt freer and more independent. I could practice the religion I chose and not the one that was chosen for me.
Being in a Jewish school was great experience in many respects because it taught me a lot of about God and humanity, but it also made me a slave to my religion. I took religious studies and exalted them to such a high level that I didnt notice anything else around me.
Practicing Jewish and Christian traditions
Now I try to practice both Jewish and Christian traditions, which I havent done in a long time. I dont think Ill ever stop praying, whether its in Hebrew or in English. I sometimes still light Shabbat candles and I care about keeping other Jewish traditions, too.
I actually visited a church in Bay Ridge not too long ago, just to see how it looked. That was a big step for me, since I hadnt done it in so long. I also celebrated Christmas this year, for the first time in years.
Both religions are precious to me and have shaped the way I live now. Judaism has taught me the ways of God and his love for mankind, and Christianity has taught me to show generosity and kindness towards the world around me.
I still dont believe in Jesus as the son of God, but I havent figured out what he means to me; maybe he was a Jewish man who wanted to change the world and make it better.
I still visit the synagogue once in a while, but now I want to try to attend church too. I dont think itll hurt my father and it may soften the barrier in my relationship with my mother.
But I doubt Ill be making any clear-cut choices yet. I think after years of practicing both religions, Ill figure out which one of them feels right for me, and Ill convert officially. Until then, only one thing is certain: my belief in God.
My parents and I had moved here from Ukraine only a few months earlier, so this was my first school in the United States. Plus, the yeshiva was a private school, and there were no male students, which seemed unnatural to me.
What made me most nervous was that it was a religious school. I believe in God, but religion wasnt part of my daily life.
Still, I got a warm welcome that first day at the yeshiva. The teacher smiled as she introduced me to my new classmates. The girls were friendly and two of them even pushed their desks towards mine so they could share their textbook with me. And it turned out many of the girls there spoke my languageRussianso I had no problem communicating with them.
But I felt weird about fitting in, and uneasy. Even though no one else knew it, the girls surrounding me were all Jewish and I was only half. My father Jewish and my mothers Christian.
<b>Christened in Ukraine</b>
For the first eight years of my life, I was raised as a Christian. I was christened at a Greek Orthodox church in Kiev, Ukraine.
I became aware at four or five that my parents were of different religious origins. They told me that before I was born, theyd agreed about which religion Id practiceChristianitywith the condition that Id be exposed to both.
I was young, so I didnt understand much about Christianity, but my mother took me to the church nearly every week and read me the Bible once in a while. She told me about Christian holidays such as Easter, the only holiday that I remember regularly observing.
I also recall praying to Jesus as well as to God. The church had a beautiful icon of Jesus, a long and colorful portrait that portrayed Jesus face distinctly, especially his wide-open blue eyes.
<b>Soviets against religion</b>
All practice of religion had been discouraged under Communist rule in the Soviet Union, which Ukraine was a part of until 1991. My mother felt forced to keep her Christian practices to a minimum as a child and a grown woman. It as only after my birth that she felt more liberated in religious matters.
It was even worse for my father, because Jews had been discriminated against for generations. My dad was unable to practice his religion as freely as my mom and wasnt educated about his own religious background and practices. He didnt know much about keeping Shabbat (the Jewish day of rest), or other holidays besides the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and Passover.
But he wanted me to acknowledge some Judaism, so he took me to a temple one Rosh Hashanah when I was six. I recall dipping pieces of apple into honey and receiving a bow and arrow as a present from the rabbi to all the kids.
<b>Moving to the United States</b>
We moved to the United States in January 1992. Since the Chernobyl nuclear reactor explosion in 1986, Id often been sick with viral and stomach infections and was hospitalized for a month with severe hives. My parents wanted to take me out of that harmful environment and bring me somewhere safer.
We also moved because of discrimination against my fathers religion. We wanted to move to where hed be free to be Jewish. So when my uncle, who was already in the United States, sent us an invitation to come here, we did.
When my parents and I moved to America, everything changed. We felt more liberated than ever. It was easier for us to practice any religion we wanted in any way we wanted.
<b>No one knew I was half</b>
But my parents were scared to put me into an American public school since they heard that public schools were dangerous. Because I was sickly, my parents thought Id be safer and more sheltered attending private school. There were no Christian schools were I lived in Brighton Beach, and the only private school that I could attend was a yeshiva, so my parents decided to enroll me there.
None of my classmates or friends ever knew that I was only half Jewish. I didnt want them to know. I didnt know how they might react or what theyd think of me if they found out. I talked about my father more often than my mother, since she wasnt Jewish.
At first, I didnt feel obligated to practice what everyone else at school was practicing, because I was only half Jewish and we werent observant at home. But over the next several months, I started feeling closer to Judaism and drifting away from Christianity.
>b>Bonding with my father</b>
By fourth grade, Id learned to pray in Hebrew and practice many Jewish customs. At home, I observed Shabbat by lighting candles. I followed Orthodox Jewish law, which prohibits going on transportation and working during Shabbat.
Sometimes I resented Jewish customs, like not eating milk and meat together, which Id loved to do for many years, or not being allowed to watch TV or write on Shabbat. And sometimes when Id pass by a church or see one on TV, Id feel a soft spot for the church, especially its choir and beautiful organ.
But I was happy with my new identity, and it brought me closer to my father. With my yeshiva training, I taught him many things about Judaism, such as how to practice its holidays and customs, and the stories of Purim and Chanukah. We hung out a lot together and it was like we were best friends.
<b>I fit in as a Jew</b>
I started to compare Judaism to Christianity and examine the differences between the two. The most essential difference is that Jews believe in God only and Christians believe in God the Father, Jesus his Son, and the Holy Spirit.
When I was a little girl, Jesus looked like a big hero to me and I loved praying to him, but as I grew olderand especially when I started learning about JudaismI questioned whether Id really had him in my heart. I liked the story of Jesus, but Judaism made more sense to me. It felt more right to pray to God only.
I felt I fit in as a Jew; it warmed my heart to go to school and learn about the religion. I felt more obligated to keep the Jewish holidays and traditions than the Christian ones.
At first, I just wanted to fit in with my classmates, but by fourth grade I started to identify myself as a Jew because I felt I was a Jew for real. I began to let go of my connection to Christianity.
My mom felt left out
But my becoming more Jewish was hard on my mother. My refusal to go to church or celebrate any Christian holidays was heartbreaking for her. Before I went to yeshiva, my mother and I were close. Since my birth, she mostly stayed home and took care of me. Im an only child and we had only ourselves to talk to, so we were each others best friends. She told me everything, just like I told her.
Within the family, who was what religion had never stood out. But after a few years of my attending yeshiva, it was obvious that my dad and I were Jewish and she was Christian. She felt left out many times when my dad and I attended the synagogue or lit candles for Shabbat.
My mother didnt say much about how she felt about my not going to church or celebrating Christian holidays with her. She kept it to herself, but I know she was upset because I could see it in her eyes.
<b>Arguments with my mother</b>
I didnt go to church because I felt it was inappropriate for me as a Jew to even set foot in a church; I felt it was sacrilegious. Sometimes, my dad and I would stand outside the church doors waiting for her to finish attending the service.
At the time, I didnt understand how much it hurt her. I didnt realize how she felt until I got older, around 15.
My mother and I had many arguments about me trying to keep many Jewish customs and traditions. She tried to stop me from going overboard with keeping Shabbat or other holy days, but I wouldnt listen.
I recall one argument we had about my refusal to turn on electricity one Friday night. Nothing will happen to you if you turn on your computer tonight, my mother said. If you recall, youre not a full Jew.
She was rightI wasnt a full Jewbut I was hurt. I felt I was as good and full a Jew as anyone else I knew who was Jewish.
<b>No one could question my Jewishness</b>
I didnt want to hear it, because I wanted to keep Shabbat and not turn on electricity. I truly believe that God would punish me if I did. We argued a lot that night and in the end, I didnt turn on anything electric. Other times, after the same kinds of arguments, I gave in, but then I spent hours feeling guilty and upset.
I became so caught up in practicing Judaism that I didnt notice how much I made my mother and her beliefs invisible to mine. I think thats one reason our relationship is so hostile and damaged now. We love each other very much but there is such a big wall between us, I dont know how well ever break through it.
But my freshman year of high school, I became so infatuated with Judaism that I spent more than an hour praying each day.
I often took longer than my peers to finish my prayers because I took time to actually think about the words as I was saying them, and added the names of sick people to the prayers. Sometimes I was the last one left standing in the lunchroom, where the high school students gathered to pray.
I doubted that, by the time I reached my sophomore year, anyone would question whether I was Jewish or not, including me.
<b>Started feeling suffocated</b>
The role Id been playing for the last five or six yearsobservant Jewish girlhad slowly but surely become me. Id become what the society around me expected me to be. Going to a Jewish school, I felt obligated to be religious; I felt obligated to be a Jew.
I know that it was my choice whether or not to practice the religion, but at times I also felt pressured to do so. In addition, while yeshiva was a warm and safe environment, it was also secluded and isolated. I didnt feel like I was part of the larger world, or that I was expanding my horizons, and that started to bother me.
These feelings built up so much that by the age of 16, I started feeling suffocated. I began to regret passing up my opportunity to go to a respected Brooklyn public high school focusing on journalism. I wondered what I was missing.
Getting sick with what turned out to be chronic fatigue syndrome raised new questions for me about my yeshiva experience. Whenever I got sick and missed class, I received few phone calls from my classmates asking me how I felt, and that made me feel unimportant. No one made me a get-well card.
<b>Feeling like an outsider, again</b>
I felt my academic accomplishments werent appreciated either. Even though I was sick, I did very well on one of my Regents exams, and my principal asked me to come in the last day before summer vacation and make a speech to the class about trying hard and succeeding in school.
But I didnt receive any awards certificates for my accomplishments like the rest of my class, and I wasnt called up to say one word. That hurt me very much.
I didnt lose faith in the Jewish religion, but I did lose faith in my Jewish classmates and teachers. I stopped feeling like I belonged, and started to feel once again like a stranger in a strange land, just like I did on my first day.
The next fall, I transferred to my neighborhood public high school, Lincoln High School, though that was partly because my illness made attending private school difficult. One among the many reasons why I left was I felt I no longer belonged there. I was also unhappy about the conflicts with my mom over my religious practices and just wanted it to end.
When I finally left yeshiva, I felt freer and more independent. I could practice the religion I chose and not the one that was chosen for me.
Being in a Jewish school was great experience in many respects because it taught me a lot of about God and humanity, but it also made me a slave to my religion. I took religious studies and exalted them to such a high level that I didnt notice anything else around me.
Practicing Jewish and Christian traditions
Now I try to practice both Jewish and Christian traditions, which I havent done in a long time. I dont think Ill ever stop praying, whether its in Hebrew or in English. I sometimes still light Shabbat candles and I care about keeping other Jewish traditions, too.
I actually visited a church in Bay Ridge not too long ago, just to see how it looked. That was a big step for me, since I hadnt done it in so long. I also celebrated Christmas this year, for the first time in years.
Both religions are precious to me and have shaped the way I live now. Judaism has taught me the ways of God and his love for mankind, and Christianity has taught me to show generosity and kindness towards the world around me.
I still dont believe in Jesus as the son of God, but I havent figured out what he means to me; maybe he was a Jewish man who wanted to change the world and make it better.
I still visit the synagogue once in a while, but now I want to try to attend church too. I dont think itll hurt my father and it may soften the barrier in my relationship with my mother.
But I doubt Ill be making any clear-cut choices yet. I think after years of practicing both religions, Ill figure out which one of them feels right for me, and Ill convert officially. Until then, only one thing is certain: my belief in God.