story209.xml

story209.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2002-03-10

It?s funny, I thought back to Sept. 11th a lot, and I am unable to recall anything about what the day was like before I arrived at the World Trade Center. It was my brother?s birthday, so I?m sure I reminded myself to call him, but other than that I?m guessing it was my typical daily routine: Roll out of bed, take a shower get dressed, and fight my way onto the e-train. It?s weird to think of that time. I had no idea what I was moving towards. I thought it would just be another day of working. The same routine I had been doing for many months. That was the last time I ever did that routine.

I was just getting off the train at the World Trade Center when the first plane hit. I don?t remember any kind of jolt or shaking or anything to show that something was horrendously wrong. As I was about to enter the mall below the WTC when a large crowd of people started running out. In all of the confusion I heard that a plane had flown into the building but I didn?t believe them. I didn?t think that something like that was possible. There was probably just an explosion or something.

I was still under the impression that I could get to work at the World Financial Center so I, like everybody else, made for the stairs. I?m very claustrophobic and coming out of the subway is usually a huge relief to me, but not that day. I remember coming up those stairs very vividly. There was a railing on the right side that made it impossible to see the World Trade Center. In front of me though I saw all kinds of people standing there, looking at the building in disbelief and shock.

When I finally got to the surface what I saw was like a punch to the gut. Obviously I was worried about the building being on fire and the people inside. There was something else though. I walked by that building everyday to get to work. Sometimes I would even pull out of the traffic pattern of people and go over to the base of the building, touch it and look up. It was something you would expect from a tourist and not from someone who worked across the street. As I was standing there I always felt the same rush of emotions. I felt proud that I was living in New York City and pursuing my dream. I felt awe that all around the area people were looking at that huge building and they had no idea that somewhere at the bottom was little old me. Most importantly, I felt safe. The World Trade Center always felt like a protector, or a big brother watching over us. So as I stood there watching it burn, I was overwhelmed by how small it looked. Seeing it humbled like that was devastating.

This is where it gets really hard. I looked away for a brief instance and heard someone scream. I looked back at the building and saw a person falling. If I had been breathing before that I must have stopped at that point. I thank god that I am not completely able to describe in words what I was feeling and thinking at that moment because I don?t want anybody to have to experience that. I experienced it 6 times that day in a matter of minutes and I?ve experienced it almost every day since. The thought of how bad it must have been up there to make leaping out of the building their only option was staggering. I wanted to be able to help them, but all I could do was watch them die.

The last two people that I saw jumped together and that snapped something in me. It was now inevitable that I was going to collapse. I was able to sit down. I wasn?t down for a second when I heard what sounded to me like a missile. I looked up at the other tower just as it exploded over my head. I could swear that I felt the heat from it, but I don?t know if that?s possible. The crowd instantly fell on top of me in an effort to get away. Miraculously I wasn?t hurt or trampled in any way. By the time I was able to stand up again what lay before me was surreal. I felt as if while I was buried under that pile the world had ended and I was the last man alive. There had to be people around, firemen, policemen, etc, but I couldn?t see them. There were papers flying everywhere. People?s belongings, and a lot of women?s shoes were discarded in an attempt to get away. There were fires all over the place. I stood there for probably a second but it felt like a lifetime.

I finally came to the realization that I needed to get to safety. I turned the corner and ran into a woman. She was crying, her glasses were all scratched up and there was blood on her face. She was hysterical and was refusing to move. She kept saying that she needed to call her husband. I needed to get her out of there so I told her that I wasn?t getting any reception on my cell phone and that if we walked a bit maybe we would get lucky. I was able to get her up the block a little ways before an emergency worker came and took her away to be treated. I just kept walking.

I turned the next corner and was finally out of sight, for the first time, of the World Trade Center. I was crying and once again was going to collapse. So I found a spot in a doorway and sat down. I had been hyperventilating and as I sat down my legs went numb. I knew that I was dangerously close to passing out. A man approached me and asked if I needed assistance. To prove to him that I didn?t I willed myself up. I managed to make it another couple of blocks before I had to sit down again.

At that point I realized that people knew where I worked and would be worried. My cell phone wasn?t getting reception and there were lines at every pay phone. It kept running through my head that I needed to call my roommate, and my girlfriend to let them know that I was alive, and that I needed to call my temp agency and let them know that I wasn?t going to make it to work. I think the last was a given, but for some reason it was a priority. I continued to wander north and was able to get a few seconds of reception in which I called my family to let them know I was alive.

After that I just walked north. I was in a daze the whole time. Everywhere I looked people were gathered around television sets watching the coverage or listening to it on radios. I wanted to ask someone for help but I couldn?t make words come out. I wanted someone to hold me up so that I wouldn?t fall and tell me that it was all right, but I couldn?t say anything. Part of me felt like I had escaped from something and that by asking for help I would have to go back.

I had wandered far enough norths so that when the towers collapsed I wasn?t harmed. I saw the cloud coming up the street but it never reached me.

I ended up walking to 59th street. I saw a sign for the blood bank asking for donations so I went in. There were people all over the place trying to give blood and talking about where they were when they heard about what happened. I grabbed my form and left the room because I knew that if any of them had asked me I would have to tell them that I was there, and every emotion that I was able to suppress at that point would have come raging out. I sat outside the blood bank for a while. I was able to eat, and calm myself down a bit. I was also able to get through to my family on the pay phones in the building. I sat there for a while before I found out that I couldn?t give blood because it hadn?t been long enough since my last donation. I even asked them to make an exception but they said it wasn?t possible. So I gathered up my stuff and walked over the bridge into Queens.

I would like to say that I lived happily ever after and that was the end of the story, but it?s not. I still get scared when a plane flies by a little too low. I still see those people jumping whenever I look up at the skyline. Just the sight of the World Trade Center in pictures and news coverage makes me shutter and takes my breath away. I?ve told my story to a lot of people, but I?ve never really sat down and talked about it. I guess part of me is still afraid that if I were to talk to a professional they would find out my secret, that I escaped, and by bringing up all of those emotions they would make me go back.