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2003-09-11

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN






HOW MY LIFE WAS AFFECTED







MY PERSONAL STORY
11 ? SEPTEMBER - 2001

OUT OF A TOM CLANCY NOVEL


Tuesday September 11, 2001 will be a day I will never forget, no matter how long I am privileged to live. I had originally planned to take a later train than I normally do as this was to be my 1st day as a graduate student at Pace University and I would be staying later at work to allow me to go directly to class from work. But I received an e-mail from my friend Lynn changed all that.

My friend Lynn from computer school is an instructor for an outside vendor and was scheduled to teach a class in my building on this day. This schedule change came about Monday afternoon. I called her from the train into Newark on Tuesday morning. We decided to meet in Newark and take PATH together then walk to my office and where she would be teaching for the day. We did this and it would turn out to be a most fateful decision for me.

While on PATH I was talking about a change in my commute to the office. I was contemplating taking NJT to Penn Station in NYC and then the ?A? train to Broadway/Nassau directly below my building. How prophetic this turned out to be, for now this is what I will have to do. I wondered if having a seat all the way into NY would be worth the cost. No longer do I have to wonder about that or the additional cost involved.

By virtue of the above, I walked through the World Trade Center 10 minutes before the 1st aircraft was crashed into tower-1. Had I taken the later train as originally planned I would have arrived at the World Trade Center at the same time as the second aircraft was crashed into tower-2. A fateful decision that is allowing me the privilege of writing this instead of being trapped under 110 stories of disaster, ruble and a journey to the other side.

As we were walking through the lower area of the WTC I was noticing all the stores. That level is a mall area, filled with stores such as Casual Corner, Coach, Victoria?s Secret, numerous coffee shops and many others. There was a cosmetic store with ?Sale? signs all over. Lynn asked if they were going out of business or something because they were selling off the entire inventory. She decided to stop in there after work to take advantage of the sales. That would not be happening.

As we walked from the World Trade Center complex Lynn and I were discussing the farmers market in front of the complex, the food sold there and the other items for sale. I remarked that I had eaten food from there on several occasions and that it was good. That won?t be happening for a long time, if ever again. Crossing Church Street our talk turned to shopping at the Century 21 store. We talked about Lynn making a special trip just to shop here. I guess that won?t be happening now, either.

The morning sunlight was just hitting the sidewalks on Maiden Lane just before 9 a.m. as we made our way to the building where I work. It's a beautiful morning, innocent in its perfect late summer loveliness. It sure as hell didn?t last long at all, as it soon became hell. This day would become a defining moment in my life as things would never be the same. Everything would now be defined as being pre-911 and post-911.

We entered my building and signed my friend in at the security desk. We entered the elevator; I got off at the 19th floor with my friend continuing up to the 26th floor where she was scheduled to teach. In the elevator, Lynn and I discussed how unsecure the place is. Sure, she had to go through the metal detector, but her bag was not searched at all. Plus, all I had to do was flash his ID badge and walk right in. I informed a co-worker who is in charge of outside instructors that the instructor was on-site. I then went to the 26th floor to visit with my friend before class began, it never would.

While sitting in the room talking we heard a loud noise. Initially I thought it was a truck bouncing in through the streets. My friend then noticed what she thought were papers. On a quick glance I thought they were birds scared by the rather loud noise. We then began to hear the sounds of emergency vehicles responding to the scene and began to see them on the surrounding streets. After further checking it was learned that a plane had crashed into the one of the trade center towers. Several of us then went to another room to get a better view. What we saw next will be burnt into my memory for the rest of my days until my last breath.

As we watched the smoke and fire from the 1st tower that was struck, the 2nd aircraft was slicing through the second tower, spewing flames, destruction and debris as it went through. When it stopped you could see pieces of the wreckage hanging from the building. The horror was only just beginning. Flames were shooting from the impact sites spreading upward and downward along with smoke.

We just stood there looking out the carnage and destruction, not knowing at that time the full scope of the unfolding events. There were tears and stares of disbelief as we watched. Little did we know how much worse the horror and devastation was to become. I don?t think any of us could even fathom what was about to come.

At this time security personnel came around and told us all to evacuate the building. As we were preparing to leave we continued to watch the buildings. This was a mistake. What I saw next was something that is somewhat still incomprehensible. Helpless people trapped, panicking with flames and smoke behind them, the jumped for their lives or to choose their own fate. What strength and courage it must have taken to make that choice. Unfortunately, this would not be the case. Somehow my mind refused to acknowledge the end result of this, in some way I still seem unable or unwilling to come to grips that I watched people jumping to their deaths.

At this point I joined with others and evacuated the building and went outside. Being in such a rush to leave the building, I left behind many personal items including my house and car keys. Once outside I looked towards the twin towers and watched in horror as the buildings were engulfed in flames and smoke. Standing in the middle of the street in disbelief of what was happening; though it was somewhat surreal. This wasn?t supposed to be happening here.

While standing in the street with debris falling amongst the smoke and other items blown out from the towers, maybe even the possibility that human remains were part of the fallout. I saw a lot of blank stares on the faces around me. I?m sure I looked the same to them. I was suddenly aware of getting hit with debris. Papers, hundreds, thousands of papers floating in the air. It was looking like a volcano had erupted spilling its ash all over the place. After several minutes of this protection officers suggested we enter the security and safety of our main building. The inside of the building offered safety and security, which was not available on the outside. This we did as the reality of what was happening was beginning to sink in.

Upon entering the building we proceeded to the 12th floor. Here we all gathered in the cafeteria where food and beverage were being provided. For some reason I decided to go to the window and watch this disaster unfold. This in one way turned out to not a good thing to do. While watching the smoke, fire and debris I also saw what I wanted to believe was debris but it was not. Debris floats, not sinks. Also, debris does not have limbs that flail in I don?t know. Someone next to me said they could see people jumping. That?s not what I?m seeing. I?m seeing things fall from the windows, but its just debris, right? I can?t watch anymore. This was just a disgustingly thing to watch. Still for whatever reason I still was refusing to acknowledge the finality of what was happening.

It was good to have a friend with whom you could share the events of they day no matter how bad things were to become. It was also comforting in that we knew each other and were able to be there for each other. At times like this you need to be there for others and have others there for you.

Watching the streets you could see the smoke, ash and debris clouds flying down the streets, choking off any signs of blue sky and sunshine. The area was suddenly plunged into the darkness of night and horror. The day was suddenly transferred into the unknown uncertainty of the darkside, a journey through hell. Watching people run as fast as they could, they were still unable outrun being engulfed by this cloud of devastation.

Not knowing what was happening and unfolding outside we were looking for more information. Someone informed us that CNN was being set-up on the big screen in the conference center. So we went to learn and see what was going on. Although we could clearly see it from the window, the information we were getting was so sketchy, and I needed to know if there were there more planes or more bombs. I wanted to get away from the window and watch TV. A large group of us headed there as we all wanted to know what was going on. As we got settled in there was a loud explosion that rocked the building. A side door to the conference center blew open at this point. We all thought, not again. Smoke, dust and whatever else came into the room. We were then ordered to leave the room. We were then led to a fire escape stairwell to head down to the basement levels. As smoke and dust filled part of the stairwell near the 8th floor we tried to enter any of the floors. We could not as the fire doors were all locked. We has gotten to the 4th floor but now had to head back up. Along the way a woman was reciting the Lord?s Prayer, it was somewhat unnerving, but somehow this seemed appropriate as we headed into the unknown.

There were nearly one hundred of us on this stairwell and we were seemingly trapped. Walking past the windows in the stairwell. Some of the cloud of devastation was beginning to seep inside, making breathing difficult. Being scared and worried you begin to wonder what will happen next. All I wanted was to get to the safety of an inside room.

After pounding on every fire door we passed we finally gained entrance to the 11th floor. This floor houses the medical department and executive dining areas. Once inside we were taken to the medical offices. It looked like a mental ward triage area. With all the emotions and thankfully minor injuries we were certainly in the right place. The banks medical staff is to be commended.

They cleaned us up as much as they could. We were given soda or water to drink and whatever snacks staff had at their desks. Counselors that were there tried to help us as best they could under the circumstances. They staff was so calm and professional that it helped give comfort.

Medical staff was talking to all of us making as sure as they could, that we were as well as could be expected under the conditions. Many of us tried to use the phones to reach the outside world to let them know were ok and attempt to learn more of what was going on. This was virtually impossible due to the destruction of phone company equipment and overloading on the lines still working.

As the medical area started to become overcrowded someone announced that there was an executive dining area on the same floor, and we were welcome to sit there. The staff started moving some of us to the executive dining areas. The hallway we were in was a bit crowded. We decided to go to the dining area, along with about 15 others. The air was clear enough to breathe, but you could clearly smell whatever it was that was coming in from the outside. We were still unaware that the towers had come down. I still thought there were bombs going off throughout the city, causing the ash and debris that we were trying not to breathe in.

At this point we were able to get hold of a radio and listen to newscasts. We then learned was caused us to leave the conference center was the collapse of the first of the towers. I was standing at a window taking the disaster in when the second tower collapsed. This was just an unbelievable and unreal thing to watch. Through all the smoke and debris cloud engulfing us it turned day into night. You just wanted to believe that the towers were still standing. Later the visual reality would be slammed home.

Looking at the various rooftops you could see a man sweeping the dust and debris off the roof of his building. I could not understand and/or believe this but I guess it was his way of dealing with the situation. Checking the surrounding streets it looked like a ghost town covered in volcanic ash. There was an eerily surrealistic appearance to the street as the sun was trying to break through the darkness of the dust and debris cloud. This was heightened, as there wasn?t a single person to be seen on the street. It just seemed to be so unreal. It was like a ghost town in a war zone.

Periodically you would see breaks of blue sky and sunshine, giving us hope that somehow things will be ok. There is always a little bit of hope in a disaster area. And this sure is a disaster area. Then clouds of devastation would return plunging us back into the darkness and reality of the situation at hand. But you were grateful for the momentary respites we received.

After several hours we were led to the cafeteria where food and drink was provided for those of us that were being kept safely in our building. At this point I found a colleague of mine. It was a relief to know that he was OK. We also spoke with our boss who fortunately never made it into work. I also was finally able to get through to my wife and check in, this was a relief and a comfort. It took over an hour to get a cell call out but it was worth it. With this my family would now know that I was physically OK.

This was a common action among those in the room. There was a sharing of cell phones, as some were able to gain access to the cells. Those contacted on the outside willing made calls to others to let them know people they cared about were safe and sound. People were united in prayer and hope. We were able to talk to and comfort each other.

I ran across a computer kiosk station and tried to access the network in hopes of getting messages to the outside world. No matter what I tried network access could not be gained. I just felt the need to get word out to those I cared about. If I could contact them we would both feel better, but these stations were not designed to communicate with the outside world.

At this time I realized that the managers and officers for my function has no idea who of us were at work, in the building, our whereabouts or safety. I called several extensions to leave messages that I was OK and where I was. There should have been some central place for employees to report to. There also seemed to be a lack of communications between our buildings. But then who could have ever thought this would happen.

We then ran into several co-workers of mine. We all sat together to discuss what we were feeling, what we knew, information we were receiving from the outside and when we thought we might be able to escape to the safety of our homes. After about another hour we were informed of possible escape and evacuation options to get the hell out of the city. Those of us wanting to get out and back to New Jersey got together and started our journey home. We grabbed wet rags, paper towels of whatever we could for our journey outside into the hell of devastation surrounding us.

We proceeded down to the main level and headed out into the street. On the outside what I saw was just so unreal, like nothing I have ever witnessed or could have ever imagined. There were still clouds of smoke and debris falling out of the sky, which was falling on me as I stood there. We spoke with a protection officer, with automatic weapon at the ready, who informed us of the possible escape routes out of this disaster. We took the elevator down to the first floor. The lobby area was filled with ash. Even the walls were coated with grey powder. Guarding the front door of the building was a uniformed man, covered from head to toe in soot and dust, and holding a shotgun. Strange sight.

This was just another part of the unreal settings, seeing protection officers from the Bank standing in the streets with automatic machine guns, rifles and shotguns at the ready. This was yet another factor causing fear and anxiety seeing this as though we were at war. The fear of not knowing if and when another plane or bomb was going to do more damage and devastation was almost to much to bear. With all this on my mind, it was just time to get the hell out of this war zone. I wanted to be any place except where I was.

We proceeded to the South Street Seaport where water evacuations where we were told are taking place. Walking down the streets to the seaport for a little bit with the debris falling on us. God only knows what may have been in this debris. The streets were covered with inches of the ash falling out of the sky. There were papers, photographs and other items blown out of the towers during the plane crashes and collapses of the towers.

I remember seeing abandoned cars in the middle of the street. Not many of them, but a few. There was a Jeep Wrangler, I think it was supposed to be black. One of the more unusual sights I saw was a bus, empty except for the driver, driving slowly down the road. I think the driver may have been in shock. Again, I noticed a blank stare. The thing that struck me odd was he suddenly came to a complete stop in the middle of the road. He was at a red light. There was no one around in this war zone, and he stopped for a red light. An ambulance suddenly came up behind him with the sirens blowing and he moved on. We had to duck and cover our faces, however, because the vehicles kicked up a lot of debris. Once it cleared, we continued on to the Seaport.

Finally making it to the seaport at pier 17, we were directed to a police launch that would evacuate us to safety. Once on this boat we were outfitted with life rafts and given water to drink. A police officer on board was talking to us about what we would see, or not see, as we rounded the southern tip of Manhattan. What the officer told us did not prepare me for what I saw, but nothing could.

As we came to the Hudson River we finally got a view of the devastation from the backside. What I saw, or more to the point, what I did not see just hit me to the point that I just could not believe that these symbols were destroyed and no longer existed. Adding to this was the unimaginable amount of humanity lost and the extended pain and suffering we all are and will be going through.

As we reached the southern tip of Manhattan, we looked straight ahead as saw a most wonderful site. The Statue of Liberty was there, standing tall and proud, showing the freedom still reigned. Lady Liberty the symbol of what America stands for was a shining beacon in the face of disaster and destruction. We will survive and prevail.

Looking up into the sky further intensified the gravity of the situation seeing and hearing military fighter aircraft running combat air patrol in our skies. Who ever thought we would see they day when we needed the military flying fighter jets to protect us. This also was unsettling as this just did not and could not ever happen here.

The launch docked at the Liberty State Park Marine and we were sent to a reception center where we were offered food, drink and medical attention if necessary. We were treated with care and understanding, this was comforting and helpful. There were police and aid people to tell us what was available to us to get us safely on our way home. As we passed through this area we went through a clean-up and decontamination area. Here the tried to remove some of the dirt and whatever else from our clothes and us.

Looking back toward New York was just so unreal. The smoke and altered skyline brought tears and disbelief. How and why could this happen. We made it out, we were going home.

We then proceeded to a school bus, which we were told would take us to the Liberty State Park light rail station. The light rail would take us to the Harborside section of Jersey City. Upon arriving here we had to walk several block to a staging area where buses where waiting to take us to various locations in an effort to get everyone on their way home.

Locating the bus we needed to get to Newark Penn Station, my friend an I boarded for the next segment on our journey home. The ride took some time due to the traffic congestion of people and emergency vehicles. The traffic heading to New York was completely stopped and backed-up due to the closure of the river crossings. As we rode over the NJ Turnpike there was no traffic what so ever, talk about the unreal and unbelievable.

While riding along the Jersey City waterfront and looking at the New York City skyline you see the smoldering remains of the World Trade Center complex. All of a sudden the dark disaster clouds and smoke reappeared. At the time we did not know it, but yet another building had collapsed. Building 7 was with Towers 1 & 2, gone. Watching this only made a bad situation worse. What would happen next?

Upon arriving at Penn Station we were directed to an area where we went through a decontamination and washing area, which was being run by a HazMat team. This was to clean us of any asbestos and/or other matter, which was on our bodies and cloths. We then proceeded to the medical area to see if we needed or desired medical attention of any kind. Not wanting or needing any at this time I just wanted to find out how to get home.

My friend and I shared a hug and a cry as we felt the gravity of the events of the day, that we had survived them. We then made our separate ways to the tracks that would take each of to the safety and comfort of our homes.

The massive amount of people waiting to find a track assignment that would get us to where we wanted to be. I had about an hour wait before I was able to get to a train platform to wait for the train to pick us up. There were NJ Transit and Newark City police on the platform to control the crowd. This allowed for an orderly disembarkation of arriving passengers and the boarding passengers. After another wait the train finally came. I was now almost home.

While on the platform and the train we all shared the common bond of having been through this together. We told our individual stories of what happened to us, friends, co-workers and others during this day. Listening to the recounts of others only made the horror of the day worse, especially those that had no idea if those they were speaking were alive or not. The train was jam packed, but there was none of the usual rush hour incivility.

After getting off the train I had to sit on a bench on the platform to collect myself and be able to walk to my car. My wife and a friend were there to greet and hug me; I needed those hugs so much. I was safely back home and what seemed so far removed from the tragic events of the day. Now I am at my home where I can be in my own safe little world.

I took off my clothes, which were covered by the debris from the events of the day. I couldn?t wait to get them off, as I didn?t want them on me any longer that was necessary. Next I needed and wanted a shower to wash and cleanse myself of what was on my body. Now comes dealing with the mental aspects of this day?s events.

The sky is clear, the sun is shining, I hear a noise. It?s getting louder and louder. It?s an F-16 flying overhead. The Air Force was running combat air patrols over my neighborhood. Its not supposed to be like this.

I did not want to go to sleep of close my eyes as I was and am fearful what I will see that may cause me to relive the day all over again. This will be an event and day I will never forget, but at least I am in this position and not trapped under 110 stories of ruble or trapped in a train tunnel.

Life does and will go on and I will deal with it thanks to the love, support and caring of my family and friends. Also, those whom I survived and lived through this with, we now have a lifelong bond.

The sun did come up and the sky was blue.






















WAR ZONE

One week ago my world was forever changed. Today, I decided it was time to face reality and take a solid step to begin my personal recovery process. This involved my returning to New York City and my office, if I could get in. My office is closed until at least next Monday 24-SEP-01. But I needed to try to get in and get some personal items such as a text book and house/car keys. I did not truly need these but for some unknown reason I wanted to have them.

With this in mind I packed my work ID in my wallet and headed for the train station. This was harder than I thought it would be. I parked my car in the usual spot and began my walk to the train. I walked very slowly as I had trepidation about going, but I knew I had to do it. I also needed to figure out how I was going to get to work when I was called back.

While waiting for the train I was deep in thought about last Tuesday and what I would and would not be seeing. Upon boarding the train I sat on the side facing the city and just stared out the window. Approaching Newark Penn Station you could see smoke rising from downtown and something was missing from the skyline, reality check.

I crossed the platform and boarded the PATH train to New York. Instead of the normal Newark to World Trade Center, it was now the Newark to 33rd Street train, as my old stop no longer existed. The ride to Journal Square was hard as the view of the new skyline was visible the whole way. Seeing is believing, but acceptance is still hard.

The train then went underground and onto one more familiar station, Grove Street. Next it was onto the unfamiliar stops leading to midtown Manhattan. This was a little hard as I kept thinking that I should be passing through other stations and not the ones I was passing through. But it had to be done, I had to start putting things back together.

Upon arriving in midtown I had to walk one block to New York Penn Station. Looking downtown you could see wisps of white smoke but not the Twin Towers where they should be. I would deal with reality later, I had to find my way to the War Zone and World Trade Center site and the building which housed my office. With this I proceeded to the ?A? train, bought my tokens, boarded the subway, and headed downtown. All the way I began to have doubts about going, what I would see or not see, and how I would react and deal with it.

Arriving at the Broadway/Nassau stop I got off the train and headed up to World Trade Center site of the war zone. You could smell the smoke and still see some of the remnants of the ash. No one seemed happy or was smiling, but everyone was helpful and courteous.

Reaching the street, the events of the past week smacked you in the face. The buildings still were somewhat covered with ash and debris as was to some extent the surrounding streets. My first look was the burned, charred and bombed out remnants of WTC-4. Farewell Borders and Krispy Kreme.

The streets were being patrolled by the NYPD, state police and the national guard. Seeing Hummers with machine gun mounts and the soldiers armed with M-16?s was a little unnerving as I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see this in America. I then went to the main building of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. I showed my ID to the armed guard at the door and then went inside to the Central Watch / Protection Department.

I inquired about access to the building at 33 Maiden Lane across the street, which housed my office. I was told I could have access right now, so over I went. In the front foyer were 75 ? 100 armed military troops. This was scary, this couldn?t and shouldn?t be happening in America. But I guess that is all changed from now on.

I went to the security desk and signed in. I proceeded to the 19th floor where my office is located. Upon exiting the elevator I ran into a co-worker Louis Bryan. We talked about the events, how we were dealing with them and the unbelieveability that it even happened. I then went down the hall to retrieve the personal items I wanted to get but in reality did not have to have. My water cup was still full on my desk, I emptied it and put it away.

After this I went to the 26th floor, where this all started for me one week ago, to get my friend Lynn?s instructor book which got left behind last Tuesday morning. Walking down the hallways I began to look out the windows for my first up close and personal views of the devastation. It was at this point that I felt the need to cry about the loss of life and destruction. This view could not be appreciated by what you were seeing on TV.

Moving further down the hall I was able to see what used to be the twin towers clearly. They were just a pile of ruble. The first things that came to mind were the scenes from the bombings of England and Germany during World War II. This is the only way I could seemingly explain what I was looking at. This was a bombed out war zone.

Looking out of the windows and down on the roofs of the surrounding buildings you could see debris. There were papers, mortar, metal, soot, dust and who knows what else. Looking down on this plus the fact the surrounding buildings were still covered it the ash of the attack. It I did not know what I was looking at I would not have known where I was. This is how much the area had changed.

Unable or unwilling to look any longer I decided it was time to leave and begin the journey home. When I left the building I started to head toward the South Street Seaport, after 2 blocks I stopped. Next I started to head towards Pace University to get information on my schooling, but after 2 blocks again I stopped. I decided just to get the hell out of this war zone, I have witnessed enough.

I headed back underground, looking for the ?A? train to head back uptown. But there was announcement that ?A? training service was being suspended due to police activity. Why? What was happening? Was it another attack, a building collapsing or something else? I never found out. The alternative way out was to take the 2/3 trail uptown. This would get me near New York Penn Station where I could take care of what I needed to in relation to tickets for New Jersey Transit, PATH service and a Metrocard for the subway.

I finally arrived one block away from Penn Station. People were selling T-shirts stating that ?I Survived the Attack?, ?God Bless America?, and ?United We Stand?. They were also selling postcards with the Twin Towers in them for $2 - $3 for cards, which were selling for 50 cents or less last week. Also on sale were small paper flags for $1 - $2, plastic for $5. American capitalism at work. As sick as this seemed, this is the American way, capitalism and entrepenureship.

Entering Penn Station I witnessed the wall of posters placed there by the people looking for people missing in the attack. They were all groups of people this was very disturbing. Parents, children, spouses, family members, friends and co-workers. Looking at these flyers and realizing that most if not all would not be going home again. My hopes and prayers go out to these people and their families.

Once in Penn Station I went about my errands of preparing for my new commute. The people at New Jersey Transit and New York City Transit were most helpful and understanding. I now had my new commute planned out and purchased my initial metrocard. My new commute will take longer and cost more, but at least I will be commuting.

I then boarded the train I would be taking from New York. I sat on the side facing the city skyline. Watching all this pass by was strange because something was missing. Approaching Newark Penn Station I could only think that there was where I should be boarding the train, not already on it. On the ride to Rahway I just kept thing about this entire situation. Getting off the train I took the slow short walk to my car. I took time to think and reflect on the events.

I was now home, not too much worse for the days experience, safe and sound. It was time to start resuming regular activities. You cannot return to normal, as nothing will ever be the same again. I just keep reminding myself that the sun will be shining and the sky will be blue.


RESUMPTION OF ROUTINE

It?s Sunday night and I am scheduled to return to the city and work tomorrow. I am looking forward to this, as I will gain some structure and normalcy, as I now know it to my life as I now know it. I am somewhat unsure in that I do not know how this will truly affect me and what will be happening with my job.

We have a big technology exposition scheduled for the bank next week. Obviously it will either be postponed or cancelled. If it is cancelled what will I have to do at work. This has been an all consuming project. Also, for the first time I am beginning to feel a little scared. What will I see, how will I deal with it and how will affect what I do.

Another concern is graduate school. I was supposed to start the night of the attack. I was somewhat apprehensive, as this would be the first time in 25 years I would be in a classroom that meant something. Having to wait two additional weeks makes me more worried.

With all this I attempted to get some sleep. A good nights sleep just wasn?t in the cards. It took two hours to fall asleep, but it did not last long. Awakened with an uneasy feeling about could happen just was not comforting along with the other worries I had. Going back to sleep was necessary if I was going to make it through the day. I did get some more sleep, if you can call it that, but anything was better than nothing.

I began my day going through my normal morning workday routine, though in somewhat of a fog. Heading for the train station I wondered who might be missing from the platform and what the day would bring. I was a seemingly long trip but I finally got there. The block and a-half seemed to take longer than usual, but anticipation of the events of the day were weighing heavily on my mind.

Finally making it to the platform I looked around hoping all the regulars would be there in the normal spots. There were some of the regulars missing, but what was the reason. Were they on vacation, taking a day off, their buildings damaged or not coming back to the platform? The next week should give some definitive answers to these and other questions.

The train was late as usual and more crowded than normal, but hey I was on the train and going to work. For this I am very thankful. I found a seat on the right side of the car, which would provide me with a view of the New York skyline as we got closer. Arriving in Newark it was time to transfer to PATH for the new ride to 33rd street. This would be an experience both in anticipation and the ride itself.

The ride to Harrison was ok, but the ride to Journal Square was a different story. The train was crowded and the ride slow. Having a window view standing by the door gave me an excellent view on the city skyline. Being a clear day you could see this large space where two large towers are supposed to be but are no longer there. You could also see the smoke rising from the fires still burning in the ruble pit. This had a very somber effect but it was something that had to be seen and dealt with.

After Journal Square we went underground with one familiar station left, Grove Street. After this stop it was onto the mid-town section of tracks and to a final stop at 33rd street. From the PATH station at 33rd street I had to walk one block to Penn Station. Walking down this block will all the disaster entrepreneurs. You could get T-shirts, sweaters, bumper stickers, flags, pins, buttons, post cards and photos of the scene ? all for a price.

Walking into Penn Station is a stark and grim reminder of the true tragedy of the attack. There are flyers of people who are missing as a result of the attack. Talk about a heavy feeling. Looking at these posters there were young and old, parents, children, friends and so many more, it just breaks your heart knowing that these people will never go home again. It is just plain sad.

Now the walk to the other side of the station to get to the subways and the ?A? train. Navigating through the rush hour crowds brought back memories of the last time I commuted through Penn Station, to a job I hated but paid the bills. Now it?s to a job I truly like. I finally make it to the subway and board the train for the long and crowded ride to the war zone.

Leaving the train and walking up to the street was yet again unsettling. What would I see and smell, how would I react and deal with everything. The smell wasn?t too bad, the view was something else. Even though I had already witnessed this disaster area it was still hard to take. I moved on and entered my building. There was real security for a change. Armed guards, bags checked and pockets emptied. Wasn?t a comment made about this two weeks ago?

Upon arriving at my office there were hugs, cries and stories. We were all glad to see each other, share our feelings and stories. I then went up to the 26th floor to get an aerial view of World Trade Center site. Time hadn?t made it any better, but I had to face it. After a few minutes is was back to the office. Once there I had two weeks of voice and e-mails to clear up. There also was the decision to postpone our technology exposition and the work involved with that.

The medical staff of the bank announced that there would be a counselor from the Bank?s Employee Assistance Program (E.A.P.) will be conducting a seminar titled ?Understanding and Coping with Your Reaction to Recent Events? this afternoon. They went through many topics and stated counselors would be available as needed to help us get through this and return to somewhat of a normal life again. We were then given handouts with information designed to help us through the healing process.

It was back to my building and office. The security line was rather long but the amount people coming from the session caused this, but the security made everyone feel reassured. Upon arriving back at the office it was time for some more work before this portion of the day was over.

The reverse commute was slightly better as I received some tips to make it a little easier. The subway, PATH and the train seemed to not take as long going. It was good to be heading home.

Graduate school and a return to somewhat of a regular routine would happen tomorrow. Day One of the rest of my life was now nearly in the books.

The sun would still be shining and the sky would be blue, but my life would never be the same again.































100 DAYS

It has now been 100 days since September 11th and my life has changed in many ways. With the Christmas season approaching this seems like a good time to reflect and look forward.

Looking out from our 27th floor windows towards the World Trade Center site every day still seeing smoke and fire would not allow me to forget that the destruction was still in progress. The smell from the site would remain a constant reminder for weeks to come. Fortunately, this sensory overload would lessen over time.

You could see the surrounding area cleaning up with the removal of debris from the streets and the washing of the buildings and rooftops. The entrepreneurs are doing their thing, selling everything World Trade Center. I?m not really sure if this is good or bad. It is the American ideal and keeps the memory of what the World Trade Center is and was alive. It is also crass commercialism, but this is America with all its freedom and democracy.

Sitting around the family table this Thanksgiving gave the true meaning of this holiday. Looking around at all my family members present and thinking of those no longer with us proves what we should be truly thankful for. I am thankful for having a family that cares the way they do and this is more important than any possession.

With Christmas just around the corner I am still having trouble getting into the spirit of the season. As with Thanksgiving I am looking at this holiday season in a whole new light. The true spirit and meaning of Christmas is overriding the giving and receiving of presents. This just seems like the time to be more contemplative and take stock of what is truly important.

It is sad that an event of this magnitude has to happen to bring these feelings and thoughts to the forefront. These were always there but were allowed to slip into the background by material things and personal goals. They are still there but they are now in their proper perspective.

With a New Year coming it brings new hopes and renewal.









SIX MONTHS


It has now been six months since September 11th my life has changed in many ways. I have taken greater stock of those around me, along with things around me and have put them into a new perspective. Things that were highly important to me are no longer as important as they have been reordered in terms of importance. Family is more important than anything as they are always there for you. Friends? are very important as they are there for me to turn to for strength and understanding. Buildings may come and go, but family and loved ones are forever.

I am an avid sports fan, but now more than ever realize in the great scheme of things it is just a game. While I may be disappointed or unhappy with my team, losing or not winning the championship is not the be all and end all. I will still support them but with the realization of what truly is important.

I have finished my first semester of graduate school and it was a help in getting through some tough times. I was forced to concentrate and put effort into something I deemed important to myself. Surprisingly, I did rather well, getting an ?A? in spite of the distractions. Now in my second semester I am beginning to feel the same about school. My masters? degree is something I still want to accomplish, but it no longer has the importance it once had.

The holidays were a little rough but I was able to make it through. The main reason for this was due to the love and support of family and friends. These are the real gifts of the season not the material things. To have people that care and understand mean more than any physical possession. At least I had holidays to enjoy. I had a new year and a future to look forward to. Just another example of things and life being put in perspective.

Something else that was a help to me was doing volunteer work in St. Paul?s church providing meals to the workers at the World Trade Center site. My friend Lynn has previously contacted me to help out at the church. I wasn?t ready to work in the frozen zone until now. The church was directly across the street from what was what remained of Building-5. This was an experience I will long remember, both for what I was able to do for others and the therapeutic value I derived from my work at the center.

The day started with me meeting my friend at the train station in Newark. We them proceeded to the church to provide whatever help was needed. Shortly after arriving a truck loaded with supplied for the rescue workers arrived, it was donated from people in the Albany, NY area. We formed a line and in 2 hours the trailer was unloaded, we even had help from those we were feeding and helping. Listening to their stories and experiences reinforced how lucky I was and still am. One particular police officer told me how he and 3 of his fellow officers entered the towers to help. He was the only one to survive.

After our day was done we were taken to the private family viewing area. This was very hard to deal with. All you could do was cry. Looking at the mounds of debris remaining of what once was the World Trade Center complex one could only stare in disbelief. It was a long hard day but very worthwhile.

My work is important to me as is my job. Though this also has been put into perspective. I enjoy what I do and love working in the city, but it is just a job. There are other jobs out there but hopefully I will not have to seek any of them out. It is my hope that I will be able continue working were I am so that I will be able to witness the World Trade Center complex rise again as I watched it being built 30 years ago.

Although I love winter, especially snow, I am glad that this winter has been as mild as it has been. Weather such as this is just what the rescue and recovery effort underway needs. This is allowing the work to go on 24/7. The sooner this is accomplished the better it will be as it will hopefully bring closure to those who lost someone in this. A typical winter can come again another year. Let this be a prelude to an early spring.


The Tribute in Lights is a wonderful site to see. I found it a little unsettling but mainly due to what they represent. If only they did not have to be there. Looking at them gives pause for reflection of what you have, what you have lost and know the difference. It also allows you to see the relative importance of your life and what constitutes the surroundings of your own little world. In Battery Park stands ?The Sphere? from the plaza at the World Trade Center, it is battered and bruised but it survived and so shall I.















MEMORIAL DAY & THE NEXT PHASE

Today is a special day in view of the events of September 11th. We add new meaning this day for those who have lost their lives because of what America is and represents. Freedom is something to be cherished and remembered as there are so many that no longer enjoy the freedom?s I enjoy along with countless others.

Today, many of my co-workers gathered on the 26th floor of my building to watch the ceremonies for the end of the recovery and clean-up phase at the World Trade Center. This is where I was when the attack happened so it only seemed fitting this is where I should view the end of this phase. There was very little talking, as this was a most solemn occasion.

At the conclusion of the ceremony I had this empty feeling. It was like reality had set in once again. There was no hope of finding something for those who lost people in the attack. There basically was nothing left of the World Trade Center. Somehow you wished everything could be the way it once was but you knew that it would never be the same again.

I have changed my commute into the city. I now take the ferry, which leaves me behind the World Financial Center. My path leads me through WFC-1 & WFC-2 to the Southbridge overpass. They now call this the Liberty Street pedestrian bridge as it is along side Liberty Street. As far as I?m concerned it is still Southbridge, just as it is the World Trade Center site and not ground zero. Renaming things to forget or act as if they never existed is something that bothers me, especially this instance.

They have now opened a viewing area along Liberty Street between Church Street and West Broadway. Along the fence that is maybe 5-FT from the edge of foundation of the WTC you have a view of what once was below ground. You can see where the subway lines used to be. The openings for the seven stories and other facilities that you never saw were now visible. There were parking garages, delivery areas and equipment areas. You can also see the PATH platform.

Viewing this platform was somewhat disturbing as it serves as a reminder of my unfinished commute. I looked at the platform only wondering what could have been and how lucky and grateful I am that I can be here. They say that a temporary PATH station will be built where WTC-7 once stood, but that is not scheduled for completion near the end of 2003. Then I will be able to complete my commute of September 11, 2001. This is important to me, I really can?t explain why, it just is.

Walking past 130 Liberty Street, 90 West Street, the firehouse for Engine-10 / Ladder-10 and the stores along Liberty Street serves as a reminder of the additional destruction and damage that was done to the surrounding area but seems to get lost in the greater view of events. There is so much that is still left unfinished in the area but it will be taken care of. Life gradually is returning to what is called normal, but it will never be, as things will never be the same again.

Watching them working to replace the 1/9 subway tracks and tunnel along the front of the pit near Church Street is a sign of rebuilding and moving forward. There is activity as the city attempts to restore mass transportation to the area which will provide improved access to the area again. Maybe in the fall when the work is completed I might take a ride and pass through the WTC once again.

The Winter Garden area, between WFC-2 & 3, is supposed to open again in either September or October. This was a nice place for lunch and relaxation and hopefully will be again. The westward view will be the same but looking east we will be seeing things we should not have been able to. The original view is no longer there except in our minds and memories.

Like the phoenix the WTC site will rise from the ashes. It will not be the same but could we expect it to be. Just let us never forget those that were lost or what was done to us.


























REMEMBER AND REBUILD

In the aftermath of 9-11 it was decided that the city must rebuild. Neither can we ever forget those who lost their lives while just trying to work or those who gave their lives trying to help and save others. While no one can ever replace all that we lost that day we must renew and rebuild. This is the mission given to the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation. Public forums, such as ?Listening to the City?, are being held to gain the input of those affected by this event. I have chosen to be part of this process, both for its therapeutic value and because it is something I believe in.

Listening to the City Online Dialogues
These Web-based dialogues are designed to obtain feedback from those interested and concerned about the area. But this is meant to be a discussion, not a platform for the views of any one person. The influence of the Listening to the City process on the conversation about rebuilding Lower Manhattan has been clear, in public comments from the Governor, key decision-makers, the public and the press.
Email newsletters let the participants when each new core topic begins. Group discussion center around these core topics. Facilitators open these topics and members are encouraged to start new topics on the issues that matter most to them. The discussions are being held in stages, with each new topic announced by email.
I believe this is important, as we are the ones who were and will be affected by what has happened and what will come of the future from the World Trade Center site. Something of this magnitude cannot be successfully undertaken and accomplished without involvement such as this.
On September 5th I attended an LMDC symposium on the rebuilding of lower Manhattan and in particular the World Trade Center site. There were several hundred people in attendance, all of us somehow directly affected by 9-11. The overwhelming majority wanted the Twin Towers rebuilt as big if not bigger along with a vibrant and residential friendly surrounding area.
Transportation was another important aspect of the evening. The plan for a fully connected intermodal transportation center would be great. Not only would it help in getting around in lower Manhattan, it would make my commute easier, faster and more convenient. With the rebuild of Path?s WTC station I will finally be able to complete my commute from 9-11.
As more and more of the area is repaired, the streets are being reclaimed by the people. You can walk on familiar streets once again and you do not have to walk around, over and through barriers and obstacles the impeded the regular flow. Gradually the infrastructure is returning to a state that it once was.
Yet another sign of the renewal and revitalization of the area returning to a semblance of its former self. The 1/9 subway line once again moves along the WTC site, which will restore service to South Ferry and allow the 2 & 3 lines to return to normal. Also the N & R lines are fully restored as the Cortland Street station, right in front of the WTC site.
The Winter Garden atrium is once again open. The restoration is as complete as it can be without the World Trade Center to connect to it. It really feels great to be able to walk through this area once again. Just one more piece of the puzzle given back. It will never be the same but I will take it as it is. The shops and restaurants are returning as life is making its attempt to return to something we will call normal, though it will never be the same again.


















ONE YEAR
9-11-02 commands an authority that was unimaginable just one short year ago. The 1st anniversary of a terrorist attack, which no one ever thought, would happen here. It marks the completion of a full calendar cycle, setting the attack apart from our memories of what happened.
In marking this date we now mark our lives as before and after the attack. Over time our memory will fill in the space between the attack and how we remember it. As we work to repair and renew ourselves with the realization that we are here, alive and must move forward. Has it truly been a year already, sometimes it seems like it just happened.
9-11-01 has been burned into my consciousness by the attack itself, how it has impacted my life and how I am dealing and will continue to deal with the aftermath. In many ways it is still extremely hard to accept what has happened and deal with it. Sometimes you just want to blink your eyes and have the towers back where they belong.
They talk of the transportation center and the rebuilding of the WTC Path station, I can?t wait for to happen as I want to complete my commute home from where I should have and not been evacuated by boat. This is very important to me. I can?t give a logical reason for this, it just is. Maybe it will then begin to put an end to that day.
My commute home on 9-10-02 was filled with uneasiness, trepidation and uncertainty. Would I be able to come to work, how would I deal with and react to the events of the day. Would I be able to get any sleep, let alone restful and peaceful?
I did get some sleep that night and it was better than I thought no nightmares or anxiety attacks. The commute into the city was not to bad as I left an hour and a half earlier that I normally would. I did this to beat the crowds, tourists, on lookers and the media jackals. This worked to some extent though there were many people already there. The media locusts, with their circus tent presence, were already set-up. Many of the surrounding streets were closed to pedestrians and vehicular traffic for crow control and security. This doubled the length and time of my walk from the ferry to my office, but at least I can do it.
The commute in was a little hard as I kept flashing back to the events of one year ago. This day started out just like it did one year ago, clear blue sunny sky and a chill in the air. I was determined not to let things get to me and stop me from what I felt I had to do. If I did then in my mind the terrorists would have won and I was going to do my best and not let that happen.
Once at my office I gathered with several of my colleagues as we discussed our feelings and thoughts of the day. We then proceeded to the plaza outside our building to mark the moments of silence at 846 and 903 when the planes struck the towers. I then returned to my desk to call my loved ones whom I am privileged to still have and be with.
Speaking with my wife let me know once again that there was someone and someplace for me to be, to be cared for, supported and loved. This has taken a toll on her also, but she was always there for me. I could not wait to get home that night.
At 1029 we returned to the plaza for another moment of silence. We faced the World Trade Center site to remember what happened and what was lost. We all just milled around in muted discussion and reflection. Then it was back to my desk and some work.
I had one more call that I needed to make and that was to my friend Lynn as she suffered through and survived that horrible day with me. She decided to stay home to remember and reflect, as that was what was best for her. We shared our thoughts and feelings of the day and the past year.
The commute home was a little rough. I was leaving Manhattan by boat again on 9-11, but this time I wasn?t being evacuated. I made it through the day and now will be attempting to move forward and onward one day at a time. No matter what has happened at least I am still around to talk about it. For that I am ever grateful and thankful.
I watched very little of the day on TV as I didn?t feel the need. In the evening I watched the lighting of the eternal flame by the Sphere in Battery Park. The next day I went to the Sphere and eternal flame, then to the new memorial and viewing wall that was erected along the front of the World Trade Center site.