story10321.xml

story10321.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2004-01-13

I submitted a story yesterday and am not pleased with the way I wrote it. Please accetp this one instead. Thank you


This was submitted to the Library of Congress? September 11th history on 1/12/04

I was a United Airline Pilot getting ready to go to the airport and go to work. It was about 5:30 am and as my usual habit, I had just taken a shower and was flipping through news channels and the weather channel in preparation to go fly. I was scheduled to do one leg from Portland Oregon to Chicago O?Hare and be finished with a 2-day trip. I live on the East Coast so I was going to fly home after arriving at Chicago. Being on the road as an airline pilot can be quite lonely at times. We spend much of our time in hotels rooms at airport locations where there?s not much to do. I was feeling particularly lonely that morning.
I had just turned on CNN when I saw the picture of the first tower burning. The whole image just didn?t register at first. I couldn?t believe an airplane would have actually hit the building unless something mechanical had happened and the pilot couldn?t control it. Pilots JUST DON?T deliberately crash their airplanes. Or so I thought. The news commentator was talking about a commercial airplane that had somehow lost its navigation ability and hit the tower. I knew this was not true since those things don't "just happen". I also could see the extremely clear conditions that existed so I knew that an experienced airline pilot would not just happen to fly into a building. I assumed that a private pilot had been joy riding and had somehow been blown into the tower from winds close to the structure.
Even then, my mind was not allowing for an event like this. I saw the extensive damage and it didn't register that the hole would be from something bigger than a private airplane. As I stood there watching brushing my teeth, the second airliner hit. My mouth dropped open and toothpaste began to slowly drip out onto my chest. My mind still wouldn?t allow for an event like this to happen in my country. Even though I knew was watching an incredible event, I continued to get ready to go to work. I just knew it couldn?t affect me all the way out on the west coast. We left for the airport and I thought that it was just an east coast occurrence and had no bearing on me. Little did I know how much it would then and later. Several passengers asked if the flight was still scheduled and I told them as far as I knew it still was. So we (the Captain and I) began to prepare the airplane to go flying. While I was on loading our navigation route into the computer, news of the Pentagon came to us and the reality of the situation finally hit in a very big way. The only thing I could do in my fury was to beat my fists against the walls of the airplane. My watch came flying off and a flight Attendant was standing there sobbing silently. I tried to hug her but she froze in place with a look of panic on her face. That?s when I realized my life was never going to be the same again. I walked down the jet way stairs, out to the tarmac and it was probably one of the most beautiful days I can imagine. The sunshine and fresh air were abundant and the mountain views were spectacular. However, overcome by emotion, I sank to my knees, buried my head in my hands and prayed.
When I looked up, a passenger was staring at me through the terminal's windows. I gave her a smile and a wave and got one in return. I knew I had to keep it together for many reasons one of which is because I was in uniform. I joined my fellow flight crews in Flight Operations and we all watched in stunned silence. There were no answers to this one. Noone knew what to say. There were the usual false bravados at first. ?Let?s go bomb them right now with our 757?s?. But those eventually died away.
I was fortunate enough to be able to get through to my family by cell phone. I contacted everyone I knew to see if they were all right. I contacted my father (my mother is dead) and before our conversation was through we were cut off. I didn't hear from him again for the rest of the time I was trapped in Portland
We got back in the van and started the ride back to the hotel. It was silent except for me repeating over and over, ?those motherfuckers?. We were all starting to try and absorb what was happening to us. Stunned disbelief, shock, fury and extreme sadness all took turns. Since we were stuck at the airport location hotel, I coordinated the flight crews and got them to our downtown location where I knew the rest of the flight crews were. I felt like I and therefore the others needed to not be isolated at that point. The hotel staff was great and set us up with our on suites, fed us three meals daily and gave us anything we asked for. My colleagues and I spent much of the time over the next few days watching the news, discussing the impact of this event and what we could do about it. The extreme sadness and fury took turns. We all felt guilty even trying to enjoy ourselves knowing so many had lost so much. I usually try to do something physical when I?m on the road to stay in shape but I even felt guilty doing that. It was pointed out to me that I flew a 767 out of Boston the night of September 10th to the west coast. 15 hours earlier, it could have been me. I still don?t have much feeling about that since death has come close to me so often in my aviation career. I was a Naval Aviator and several of my friends and acquaintances have died in aviation accidents. The Captain of the 757 that crashed in PA was a co-worker of mine when I worked at the Unite Training Center in Denver. He asked the regular Captain of that flight if he could take it to maintain his flying currency. We speculated and we waited and waited. Finally the call came at 4 am on the Friday following to man up the first UAL flight out of Portland. I was eager to get back to work. I didn't know how emotional this event would become. We got dressed, went to the airport and got our jet ready to go to work. I went outside to do the pre-flight and there were 6 mechanics standing shoulder-to-shoulder with American Flags in their hands. They stood silently just looking at me. I went up to each one of them and just shook their hands. With tears streaming down our faces, we began the process of getting the airplane ready. When the passengers came onboard, I greeted every one of them with the same message. ?You'll be safe today?. I obtained a small American Flag and stuck it out the cockpit window where all the passengers in the terminal could see it. I got quite a few waves.
We started up, taxied out and took off into the same kind of day as September 11th. As I keyed the mike to report our airborne status to the Departure Controller, I was so overcome by emotion, I could barely speak. Through tears I reported us airborne and got to work. One of the most striking memories of that day was the way I perceived the voices of the Air Traffic Controllers. Their voices had just utter dejection in them. Totally defeated. I suppose they took responsibility to a certain extent for what happened also. Or maybe they were just feeling like me. The frequencies were totally quiet. Hardly any of the usual chatter and certainly none of the banter that you usually hear.
We knew that the nation wide moment of silence was going to occur on while were airborne so I made an announcement over the PA so that passengers would be able to do what they wanted. When the time came, I simply said, ?it?s time?. Almost immediately, the Captain of the airplane began to sob. Up until this point, he had remained rather stoic to the point of being unfeeling about the situation. But I guess his emotional limit had been reached.
We entered the O?Hare airspace and began our final vectors into the airport. Normally, the Air Traffic Controllers practically drive your airplane for you. Speed, headings and altitudes are given in rapid succession and are expected to be followed immediately with no questions. When we were within 30 miles of the airport (the Federal Air Regulation minimums for this type of maneuver), the Air Traffic Controller cleared us for the ?visual? approach meaning we could determine how to get to the airport anyway we wanted for a safe landing. The Captain and I just looked at each other in disbelief.
Once we got on the ground, the controllers once again surprised us. Usually they are as directive as the Airborne Controllers. This time the only thing the ground controller told us was not to cross any runways. As we taxied to the gate, I stuck my flag out the window and just let the air stream it back. Practically everyone who saw it stopped and waved or pumped their arms into the air or some other gesture to let me know they had seen it.
As we pulled into the gate, I was once again faced with many mixed emotions. Part of me was never so glad to be done with a flight. Part of me felt like I was ending one phase and beginning another. The terminal was a ghost town and as I boarded my flight, the rage came rushing back once again. My seatmate was a record company executive and thankfully he was very easy going. He and talked and he told me later he could sense the rage I was feeling. Ground Zero was still smoking as we flew over it on our approach into LaGuardia and I was still wondering how all of these events would affect me.
A funny feeling hit me after I had been home for a couple of days. I wondered if I could ever fly an airplane again after September 11th. I was actually feeling for the first time since I was 9 years old that I didn?t want to fly anymore. I wondered where those feelings came from until a friend of mine told me that as a pilot, everything about what I do is under tight control. And September 11th changed all those rules. That immediately changed my mind about being able to fly again.
Still, it was spooky the first time I flew an airplane from the east coast to the west coast from Newark. It was spooky the first time I walked down the jet way that the highjackers used to board the airplane that morning. It was spooky the first time I did a preflight of a 767 at night and in the eerie night-light I looked the length of the airplane?s belly and imagined seeing it coming at my office window.
There were some things I changed about my life after that. I stopped speaking to my Father. His absence during the week I was stuck in the hotel room was on a smaller scale, a reflection of our entire life long relationship. And I didn?t want to put forth the effort any longer. It became clear what was important in my life and what was not. I ended some other relationships and renewed ones that I had abandoned.
Working at the airlines eventually became too onerous and I left to find work in the Test Pilot world. It?s much better now. I still get emotional thinking and speaking of those events on that crystal clear blue day. I still feel the rage, the loss, and the disappointment. I still speak with all the friends I left behind and get regular updates. We all move on.