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              <text>Ground Zero: Sept. 14, Morning Four 

As a volunteer and under the guise of being a tradesman, I hopped a boat to the wreckage site to unload relief supplies and assist in the cleaning process. It had stormed all night and was still cold and raining. All the dust had turned to mud and the paper detritus was quickly becoming mangled pulp. 

As we approached the harbor, I was struck first by the gaping hole in the skyline.  But gawking and reflection were impossible. Idleness was impossible.  There was too much activity surrounding me. Some orchestrated.  Some individually innovated.  But all for the purpose of erasing the unspeakable damage.  After unloading the boat, I grabbed an abandoned snow-shovel and joined a clearing crew. With shovels and buckets we were able to clear an entire plaza of mud and garbage. By 2:00pm a new "shift" arrived to relieve us. It was then that I realized that most of the workers around me were contractors or involved in organizations in New Jersey, upstate New York, or Long Island, not citizen volunteers. Someone asked me if I was in the "iron trade." I said, "Not exactly." Although I had only worked for about 2 1/2 hours on site (I had volunteered at a donation site, Chelsea Piers, since 7:00am that morning with my friend Kate), I took the relief shift as an opportunity to gawk. 

Actually, to clarify for anyone who might be thinking proud thoughts right now, my motives were not altruistic by any means. When I began in the morning, I did not know that I would have an opportunity to go down to the rubble.  Work had been cancelled for the coming week and I was suffering from cabin fever and shock.  Volunteering early in the cold rain seemed like just about the best way to exorcise the feelings of helplessness and disbelief.  But even organizing food, clothes, and other donations did not make the tragedy palpable.  Had the two most prominent features of my skyline really collapsed!?!??   Were those newsreels real?  Were there really thousands of fellow citizens vaporized, burned, or buried under an unimaginable ton of wreckage?                                                   

When we were informed that boats were taking people from our site down to THE site, I quickly prepared myself: rain suit, hard hat, boots, goggles, respirator (all in boxes waiting to be delivered to the workers already clearing), and forced my way onto the next boat.  (I was told that credentials of craftsmanship were checked before boarding every boat after mine.)  But make no mistake, I was not going to "lend a hand"; I was going to lend a visceral punch to my fatigued and disbelieving imagination.

For those unfamiliar with the World Trade Center, it was not simply two shimmering towers.  The buildings and plaza that are all part of the complex probably covered 10 acres if not more.  The perimeters of Tower One and Two were enormous and certainly the grandest of the buildings, but the towers were flanked by four interconnected buildings of about twenty stories.  There were fountains and malls and underground passageways, not to mention the adjacent World Financial Center complex and all the hotels and shorter skyscrapers and on and on.  None of this was unaffected by the collapse of these grand monuments.

I landed on the western side in the private yacht basin of the World Financial Center (not World Trade Center), now bereft of all private craft and rife with police, fire, and Coast Guard boats.  First visible to me (and blocking the majority of the tonnage) was that complex.  Not destroyed but looking like an abandoned warehouse, I barely recognized it.  Working as a cater-waitor, I had oft stood in the grand glass and marble passageway that connects two of the financial buildings of the WFC, looking out at the Hudson.  A grid of steel beams had ripped half of it to dust in their perilous plunge to earth.  On the outskirts of the damage, random windows were shattered and the buildings less caked.  But the closer I walked to the former towers the more apocalyptic the scene became, window frames empty and the mud and ash facial covering everything.  Among the mud at my feet I saw countless invoices and records, pamphlets and promotionals.  I couldn't help wondering if the companies who printed these papers existed any more.  I stepped over wires and rocks, crumbled facade and structural steel.  Metal skeletons of cars and buses lay on top of eachother, ejected from parking garages or lifted by their own explosions.  Building faces crumbled from the avalanche of the towers' debris.  I walked into a doorless bar two blocks from the former Trade Center and saw a scene from an egregiously dusty western.  The floor and tables were covered in soot, and beer bottles left on counters and bars were half dusty, indicating the direction in which the cloud blew through.  A colonial-age cemetary sits one block from the World Trade Center.  Garbage covered the headstones, and beams had crushed some of the trees shading the lot.

It actually was amazing to see how much had been cleared.  Most roads leading up to the WTC foundation were completely functional and firetrucks, dozers, cranes, hummers and all their accompanying personnel filled the streets, paving the way to the mountain of destruction.  I saw it all, all that anyone could see.  I got as close to the smoldering mass as anyone else, save the rescuers who've bravely ventured into or onto the rubble.  It dwarfed all the cranes struggling to slowly dismember it.  It choked anyone standing in the path of its smoke.  Fingers and grids of rod iron and steel snarled and twisted skyward out of the ground.  A dispostured portion of the frame of Tower One still stood twenty stories high, resisting collapse but bent toward the pile wherein the missing portion lay.  Beams drove their arms deep into the concrete or curled, broke, and bent in various directions from their collective fall.  The pile was at once a maze and a mountain - full of knooks and crannies but compacted with pyrotechnic and gravitational might.  The appendages of the towers had been torn and corrupted of all structural integrity, their black exteriors tossed variously among the ruins.  The silver exterior of the Trade Center was made of aluminum revetment covering the steel infrastructure.  Sections of this revetment had flown blocks and blocks during the collapse - through windows, into the sides of buildings - scattering the wreckage and streets with mangled sheets of ornamentation.  It was a stunning vision.

But I write "vision" purposely because I still have not completely accepted what I've seen.  I don't know how to better describe the feeling.  I just can't envision that scene of decisive planning and determined deconstruction as a mass grave.  I can't imagine the architectural void.  I can't compute the transformation from pinnacles of invention and design to compressed, wrestling metal junk piles.  I stole down there to awaken my rational faculties, but somehow my tactile experience made it all the more surreal.  Abandoned hotels, cavernous alleyways, skeletal cars: that's not New York City.  That's not the financial district, capitol of the world economy.  What have I seen?  What have I learned?  What the fuck happened?

But even though reality and perception remain unreconciled in my mind, I have realized something.  I've realized not only how incredible the rescuers and work force unearthing and removing all the destruction are.  I've realized how incredible this country is.  I empathize with anyone feeling helpless or distant or vengeful.  But I can tell you that we all, every single citizen, help with each step we take forward, refusing to be prisoners in our own homes or targets on our own soil.  We become closer and more unified with our trust in the government and intelligence experts to execute decisive, educated action, enlisting our help if necessary.  And we most emphatically exact revenge by carrying on in the face of terror and grief, expelling defeat and spiting cowardice.  The most demoralizing artillery and the most biting ammunition in our enemies' spirits is the return of Americans to work today; our respect for all humanity; and our patience for righteous defense.

In spiritual community with you all,

Frank Boudreaux
9-16-'01</text>
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                <text>Environmental/Health Impact&#13;
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                <text>move to email?</text>
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              <text>Title of Story:
No Guidebook for 9-11 

There is no guidebook for a tragedy like this. That is what I recently told the employees in all of the VA (Department of Veterans Affairs) medical centers and clinics across the network that I manage in New York and New Jersey.. I also told them as we resolved major issues, managed emergent situations, deployed staff and cared for patients, we have been moving forward without the benefit of any previous similar experience. During this, the greatest national tragedy to touch our shores, I noted that it was each of them who are writing the new chapters for this guidebook. As we learn how to deal with the wounded, the distraught, the families, our own staff?s reactions, the media crush, the traffic, the smoke, the dust, our kids, our priorities and our new lives - we are gathering knowledge and skills that will be invaluable to the rest of the nation. The nation will want to know what we have learned and the hurdles we have crossed, and we have crossed many. 

This tragedy was within extraordinarily close proximity of many of our VA New York City and New Jersey - medical centers and clinics and had a deep impact on the entire Network. We had to lead the Network through this single most violent act of war and terrorism that the country has ever sustained. Most important was to approach the disaster with compassion, determination and great focus. From the moment the crisis occurred I was in Headquarters at a meeting, and had to begin to manage and lead the network from a remote location. While this was extraordinarily frustrating for me I knew I had great people back in New York and New Jersey - ready to meet the challenge. For the first two days I was asked by VHA to remain in the VA Emergency Operations Center and assist in managing the crisis at the national level. However during this time I was setting in motion the Medical Center Directors and VISN staff to manage numerous aspects of this unfolding and ever-changing tragedy.

From the VA Emergency Operations Center, and when I returned to the Network, I knew how critical it would be to keep in constant communications with my directors, staff, front line employees and headquarters, utilizing conference calls, e-mail, meetings, and video conferencing. This level of communications and leadership kept the staff moving forward and kept morale and spirits focused on the tasks at hand. We developed a response for the active duty military and National Guard requests for medical assistance, as over 3,000 military descended upon New York City and were in need of day-to-day medical and mental health care as their anxieties worsened.

We also had to deal quickly and effectively with a myriad of urgent issues including establishing heightened security at all locations, ensuring adequate supplies and pharmaceuticals (bringing in stock from other VA?s around the nation), working closely with EMSHG and other VA entities, communicating with employees and veterans, keeping a very compromised telecommunications system running throughout the network, protecting network-wide data bases in the event of additional attacks, dealing swiftly and accurately with media queries and planning for the aftermath.

In fact, my staff began planning for the fallout almost as soon as the crisis began. I activated the network?s VA Mental Health Executive Team, called in national assistance from the Vet Center leadership and developed a comprehensive approach to reach out to veteran patients and VA staff who were at risk to be affected by this tragedy. The team quickly developed a plan and letters and phone calls went to every patient in the network letting them know of the stressors they may be experiencing and how to get in touch with VA assistance. Counseling availability was arranged at every medical center and clinic for staff. We insisted that the VA have a high profile presence at the NYC and NJ Family Assistance Centers. Our outreach at these centers proved to be a model program for the victim?s families, veterans and emergency service workers and has been lauded both locally and nationally.

During and after the crisis we had to work with numerous agencies including; CDC, NY and NJ and local Departments of Health, National Guard, Active Duty Military, United States Postal Service, emergency service agencies, FEMA, GAO, U.S. Congress, and all facets of VA Headquarters leadership. Those activities are consuming and ongoing, but have provided an opportunity to raise emergency preparedness in VA to an entirely different level, as well as to enable VISN 3 locally - to significantly improve coordination and collaboration among our other public partners. 

We also had to deal decisively to keep all of our medical centers operational in the wake of the potential for further attacks and numerous Anthrax reports and white powder incidents. These fears and concerns for every accumulation of white powder in a medical center could have shut the system down - given the hysteria of a hospital worker in NYC dying from exposure and the numerous letters to news media leaders in the city and the fallout from the NYC Morgan Street Postal Center. In New Jersey we were commended by the Chairman of the House Veterans Affairs Committee for quick action to assist with Cipro prophylaxis for up 7,000 postal workers at the Chairman?s request. Working with Headquarters we developed a unique interagency memorandum and had the NJ VA Medical Centers poised to assist in this regard.

Since the tragedy has occurred we have ensured that all network staff and the medical center staff that have learned so much from living through such an event, have been open and available to the rest of the nation, the VA and others with advice and assistance. We hosted the VHA National Leadership Board and in short order pulled together a remarkable one-day learning session for all of VHA?s top management. We also hosted Secretary Principi in meetings and tours several times since the attacks, once with Chairman Chris Smith. I was asked to testify before congress on the VA?s Emergency Preparedness and gave lengthy testimony to GAO reviewers. We were asked to review the draft VHA Emergency Preparedness Manual and provide comments and advice, given our recent experience. We were also asked to share lessons learned in writing through an article for VHA Now and VAnguard.

The moral of this story is - that as a leader - you need to ensure that you have people that you can rely on in place - before a crisis ever occurs. You have to trust those staff and managers to do a great job and you have to provide them with all the support they need to handle the crisis.

Communications is the key to getting through any crisis. Constant and honest communications - moment by moment - kept my staff, VA Central Office, the community and our veterans assured that we were doing all the right things and all the necessary actions to keep moving forward.

Finally, keeping our mission to veterans and their families, and caring for the many VA employees in our Network - at the center of all actions - is critical to maintaing credibility and support during any crisis.
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              <text>It was still dark when I got to work at 6AM:, unusually early due to the start of NY?s Fashion Week. We had photographers covering runway shows and parties, and I had lots of material to get through. Then at approximately 9 o?clock, our tech guy called out and said that the WTC was on fire.
	I went to his computer and saw the grainy image on CNN?s website. I ran back to my desk and picked up the phone, dialed 775-1035, my sister?s work number. There was no answer. Then I called my mom. No, there was no word from Diane. A few minutes later I heard her scream, ?Oh God, there?s another one.? The last thing I remember her saying was, ?Go find your sister.?
	I felt sharp needles of anxiety and I craved a cigarette. My boss wasn?t in yet but I just couldn?t sit there. I left my computer on, the screen still filled with happy glamorous faces, along and a cup of cold coffee. I jogged over to 6th Avenue and saw the crowds pointing at the buildings billowing thick clouds of smoke.  
	There were a bunch of construction guys gathered on a 22nd Street, cursing. I spottted a phone across the street and ran to call my boss?s voicemail. With a catch in my throat, I told her that I wasn?t sure if I?d be back.
	I kept walking south, 21st, 20th, 19th Streets, stopping along the way, listening to newsreports blasting out of car radios. Terrorism? The Pentagon? The White House? It was so fucking unbelievable.   
	The day was utterly gorgeous. Bright blue sky, cool dry temps, reminding me of beautiful New Mexican mornings. My cell phone was dead. People?s faces were twisted with uncertainty. Then the inconceivable.
	I remember a restaurant awning, a blonde woman, and a guy with a camera pointed in our direction. Everyone stopped. ?Oh, No?Oh, God?Oh, Shit.? I really thought that I would hit the ground too. I refused to believe what my eyes took in. ?Diane, Diane, I kept thinking. Are you there in that pile? Did you get away? Where are you now??
	By now, my body was on automatic pilot. I came across a smiling young black woman, a deaf mute, leaning against a community garden fence. I handed her a dollar as she mouthed the words ?God bless you.? She was immune to the horror, but I kept on walking. Soon I found myself in my old Village neighborhood. Seeing Our Lady of Pompeii, the church I used to live right across from, I walked up the steps. I needed a place to regroup, afraid that I would collapse right on the sidewalk.
	I moved into the left side pew, in front of a statue of the Blessed Mother. I prayed for my sister. I prayed for the dead. I thought of my great-grandmother, remembered all those end-of-the-world dreams. It was a nightmare come to life and I didn?t know where to go or what to do. When I reached 6th Avenue again, a white van screeched to a halt. A young Chinese guy jumped out and I followed his gaze, catching in midstream, the second tower?s collapse. I got as far south as Grand Street and turned back. Days later, I was still numb.
	Before I had received the message that my sister Diane had survived, I had already known that she was alright. Somehow a deep, deep feeling had quietly reassured me that she was safe.  I?m not sure if I?ll ever be able to describe my feelings of that day. But one thing I am convinced of is that I will always love this city with every ounce of my being. 
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              <text>I was sitting in school and all I remember was school stopped for a moment of silence. Then after 3 minutes we were told that the U.S.A had an attack. I then went home tearful. i got a call from my friends mother, Tasha , she told when Sarae had gone to the U.S.A she had been killed in the incident along with her aunt and uncle. I then sat in silence for the longest period of time and started sobbing.
I wish it had of been me and not her. It gets so close to when these attacks happened it got me thinking I should tell my side of the story. I now know that everyone should always forgive and say the I Love Yous to your parents and everybody and warmth each other with hugs.
why was it her? and not me? I need to get this out, I`ve been dying to!

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              <text>Q: HOW DID YOU WITNESS HISTORY ON SEPTEMBER 11th? SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE.
A: WELL, I WAS DOWN AT THE BOAT YARD AT LITTLE CREEK, AND WE WERE WATCHING THE NEWS; THE TELEVISION WAS ON, JUST AS THE FIRST PLANE HIT THE FIRST BUILDING, AND WE WATCHED IT EXPLODE, AND THEN WE JUST KEPT ON WATCHING UNTIL THE SECOND PLANE HIT LATER ON. 

Q: HAS YOU'RE LIFE CHANGED BECAUSE OF SEPTEMBER 11th? IF SO, TELL US HOW.
A. WELL, I DON'T THINK MY LIFE HAS CHANGED, BUT IT'S MADE ME MORE AWARE OF THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, AND TRYING TO BE MORE CAREFUL OF WHERE I GO AND WHAT I DO WHEN I GET THERE.

Q: WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE REMEMBERED ABOUT SEPTEMBER 11th?
A: I THINK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT DIED SHOULD BE REMEMBERED, ALL THE POLICEMEN, THE FIREMEN, THE RESCUE WORKERS, AND ALL THE CIVILIANS THAT DIED IN THE COLLAPSE OF THE BUILDINGS.

Q:DID YOU FLY A FLAG AFTER THE EVENTS OF SEPTEMBER 11th? HAVE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE AMERICAN FLAG CHANGED AS A RESULT OF SEPTEMBER 11th?
A:YEAH, I PUT A FLAGPOLE UP IN THE FRONT YARD RIGHT AFTER THAT, AND I'VE LEFT IT UP EVER SINCE. MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE FLAG HAVE NEVER CHANGED. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A STRONG FEELING ABOUT AMERICA AND THE FLAG.
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              <text>It was just a regular day like any other. My alarm went off and I really didn't want to get up and go to work. I did though. I stumbled to the bathroom, showered, got dressed, made my lunch and went. I work at Wal-Mart Supercenter in Rome, New York. I work in Jewelry, but at the time I was a cashier. I had to be to work at 8:00am. I usually get there 2 or 3 minutes before I have to punch in. I got on my register still yawning and still wishing that I was in bed sleeping. I had a few customers, not too busy at that time of morning during the week. A guy came up to my line in such a rush. He was fumbling around and mumbling and he looked really nervous and shook up. He asked me to kindly cash him out as fast as I could. I said okay and cashed him out very quickly. I must have had a weird look on my face because he asked me if I heard what had happened. I said no and informed him that I had just gotten to work. He then told me how a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I was very shocked and puzzled and angry. Shocked because how could a plane not see the Trade Center? Puzzled because it didn't make any sense, and angry because I thought this guy must have been joking. Nope, about 5 minutes after I finished with him, all of our tv's turned on to the news channel. I seen the Trade Center on fire, and I was suddenly very confused. What was going on? How did this happen? I'm only 20 years old, so I've never expierienced a war. I only know what I learned in school. Customers and assocoiates in the store were all focused on the tv's. No one said a word. Just shook their heads in silence and shed a tear. When someone finally explained to me that it was terrorists that did this I didn't know what to say or do.I wanted to call my uncle Howard who's in the Navy and works in D.C. I wanted to go home and see my mom and have her tell me that it would be okay.I wanted to call my dad that lives in Texas who I haven't heard from in years. I wanted to get back into bed and hear the annoying sound of my alarm waking me up from a nightmare.Why? Why would anyone do this to us? To all of those innocent people and their families? Why? What did we do that was so worng to have this happen? The rest of the day at work was sad and really slow. Everyone was upset and worrying about relatives that were flying or lived in New York or D.C. No one could believe what happened. When I finally got out of work and into my car every station was talk. Talking about what was going on and the latest news. I got home and hugged my mom and just starting crying. I cried for myself because I was worried. I laid in my room with my boyfriend watching the news. I cried again, but this time it was for all those innocent people. It was a very horrific tragedy. The next day I went out and bought as many flags as I could. I bought red, white and blue candles. On my way home that night I passed by the Fort(Fort Stanwix). I couldn't believe how many people were standing around with lighted candles.It was sad and happy at the same time. It gave me chills to see everyone together. I got home and lit my candles and stood on my front porch with my flag in my handed and prayed. I felt so helpless because there was not much else that I could do. On November 10th I went with my mom on her yearly bus trip to NYC. The company that she works for goes every year around the same time. It was my very first year that I got to go. Our first stop when we got there was to take the subway down to Ground Zero. When we arrived there it was 10 times worse than what it looked like on tv. There was a horrible smell in the air, so horrible I can't even explain how bad it was. There was also a lot of people. We got as close as we could. I stood up on a fence to get a better look. I seen guys still hosing it down and workers trying to get it cleaned up. I didn't really want to go down there, but I did. I felt that it was my way of paying my respects. I was very scared. I don't think that there has ever been a time when I felt the way I did that September 11th. And I think that everyone else in this country can say the same. I just want to say that even though this was the most terrible day it brought us all together and showed everyone how strong we are. My prayers go out to everyone on those planes and in those buldings. My deepest prayers go out to all of the people who did this to us because their going to need it the most. May they suffer for a very, very long time. GOD BLESS THE USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! </text>
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              <text>Sept 11th didn't really directly affect me, because I live 4 hours north of the attacks and I have no family near the area of the attacks. However, I was deeply sadened by what was going on.  My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the attacks.</text>
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              <text>I am a fourth grade teacher in Bloomfield, NJ. At around 9:30, my principal came and called me to the hall to tell me and a few of my colleagues that a plane had struck one of the Twin Towers, and that it was believed to be an act of terrorism. We were instructed not to tell the students anything at that time until further notice.

I instantly thought of my 20 year old daughter. I had dropped her off, as I did every morning, at the bus stop for her bus to work in midtown Manhattan. I knew that my daughter was not in the area of the Twin Towers, but no one knew at that time if the worst was over. Instantly, I went to my computer in the classroom and e-mailed my husband, asking him to contact my daughter via cell phone to tell her to come right home. 

By the time he and she connected, the second Twin Tower was hit, the Pentagon was hit and the plane in Pennsylvania went down.  Shortly after, the Towers collapsed and all access to NYC via tunnels and bridges were closed for security purposes. 

My daughter was scared, because even though she had friends to stay with, she did not want to stay in NYC. After my husband's initial contact with her, we lost touch with her until 3:30 that afternoon, when, just by the grace of God, I contacted her by cell phone. I relayed my thoughts asking her to consider staying the night with a friend uptown...she was however adamant about coming home that night.

Not until 8:15 that night did we hear from her again, saying that she was on a train coming into Newark, and could we please come to get her? We were relieved to hear her voice, and that she was coming home. She had walked to Penn Station in NYC where the Port Authority police were channeling people free of charge to NJ on the path trains.

Later that night, our daughter relayed the horrors of the day from someone in a midtown restaurant, seeing the faces of victims walking uptown covered in soot, dust and ashes. Never had she seen NY look so quiet and desolate and eerie.

We were among the fortunate ones who did not lose our daughter...many were not so lucky. As days became weeks, we learned of others in our classes and colleagues' families and coworkers who were not as fortunate as we were that day. But just as easily as the planes hit the Towers, they  could have hit midtown. We continue to pray for the victims and their families. September 11 is a day we will never forget.


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              <text>I was livng and working in NYC on September 11.  My story is not particulalrly interesting or dramatic, but I think its typical of what New Yorkers experienced on that day.

At 8:45 am that day, I was voting in the NYC primary election at my polling station, an elemantary school on 82nd street between 1st and 2nd.  After that, I got on the downtown Second Avenue bus on the way to my job as an attorney at law firm with an office on 59th and Lexington.

On the to work, the driver announced that the bus would terminate at 14th street because of disaster downtown.  I recalled that I had seen two fire trucks moving quickly down Second Avenue when I was wating for the bus.  I didn't think much of it.  My stop was well before 14th Street.

As I got off the bus, a young man (or younger than me; he looked to be about 20 and I was then 31) told me that a plane had crashed into the WTC.  I noticed that he had walk man and assumed he heard it on the radio.  Puzzlingly, he said, "I'm going down there to check it out."  I didn't (and still don't) understand the need to gawk.

As I walked to the two or three avenues to my office building, I finally noticed the brilliant blue sky that day.  It was a sight to behold.  There was not a cloud in the sky.  It was a blue like the UNC Tar Heals (at team I've always hated because I went to UVA), wear on their road baketball jerseys.  It was a magnificent.  I stopped to look at it and after a few moments I caught myself wasting time.  I was late for work.

When I got my office building, I saw two of the secretaries having a smoke break.  I asked them if they had heard the news, and one of them, a gruff but sort of lovable woman named Paula said, "two of them crashed into the Trade Center."

When I walked into the office, I saw the cute, young receptionist (who insisted that she was really a singer) crying.  She had just started at my firm after temping at an office in the WTC.  She was hysterical.  I told her that a plane once crashed into the Empire State Building and the only thing that was really damaged was the plane.  I told her not to worry.  Obviously, I've never been so wrong.

I went down the hall and down the flight of stairs to my office.  Its maybe a hundred paces, but my walk was interrupted four or five different colleages with the latest reports. A car bomb exploded outside the state department, another plan was seen circling Washington, DC, five more planes are off course and unaccounted for.

I was curious to see the WTC.  I tried to get on the Internet, but the obvious news cites were jammed.  No access to CNN, MSNBC, NYT, etc.  Then I remembered that I had a New Mexico paper on my favorites list.  A few weeks earlier I had bookmarked the site.  It was part of a revery of quitting my job and moving west.  I clicked on the site and it worked.  I guess the west was still asleep.

I could not believe it.  It was true.  Seeing it made it seem less true.  Odd, but that's how I felt.  The fire ball in the picture looked so extreme that I had a hard time believing it.  I wasn't scared.  I was too stunned to be scared.

I didn't know what to do.  I had a brief due later that week and I started to work on it.  Days later, I would look  back on that decision to start my job that day and wonder.  What if I had been in the second building to be hit and been told to stay at my desk.  I was something of a workaholic then.  I probably would have stayed and worked.  Its a scarey thought and one that has not been far from my mind since then.

After about fifteen minutes of working, I realized that I should call my mother.  She is a world class worrier and I figured she would be scared.  I decided to call my father first and make sure he was ok.  I wasn't really worried about him.  His office was on 44th Street near Grand Central and he rarely had a reason to go downtown.  Before I made the call, my dad called me.  I don't know how I missed the call,  but he was routed to voice mail.  His message said that he couldn't get through to my mom, but knew she would be worried.  He called me to tell me he was ok.  He was at a seminar at the Sheraton in mid-town and planned to finish the class (which was scheduled for all day).

I called my mother at her job and told her I was ok.  She had access to a television at work and told me it was incredible.  I told her about my message from Dad.  I insisted that everything would be ok.  I still believed it.

After the call, I decided to turn on the radio in my office.  It was a clunky clock radio that I had put in my office the previous October to listen to the baseball playoffs when I worked at night.  I heard the newscaster describe the collapse of the first tower to fall.  What I remember most is that he said, at first, that the front of the top of the building was falling.  For a few moments I was oddly relieved that whatever bad was going to happen, this was it and it wasn't so bad.  The moment passed and I had never been more wrong.  My second extreme miscalculation of the magnitude of the day's events left me numb.  The whole building had collapsed.

I called my best friend David.  He lived in Richmond and I was curious to see if people in other parts of the country understood what was going on.  David is a very calm guy, the kind of guy who isn't rattled in a stressful situation and never gets too animated.  He described the collapse of first tower to me.  He wasn't animated.  He just had lots of details in a way that was uncharacteristic of him.  To anyone else, he would have seemed calm.  But I know this guy very well. The level of detail and the desire to keep repeating the story put me off.  I told him I had to go.

As I hung up the phone, a few of my co-workers said they were going to look for a TV to see what was happenning. I cannot really describe the feeling of being away from a TV for most of that morning.  I felt sort of lost without connection to the world.  We walked out of the builing, about five of us.  I honestly cannot tell you who they were. I was sort of numb.

We didn't know where to go.  Someone suggested the TV's outside the CBS studio on 59th and 5th.  There's no sound there so we panned that idea.  We wound up at the dive bar called the Subway Inn on the corner of 60th and Lexington.  Its a bar that is often referred to as a whole.  But it was open and a crowd was milling inside.  From there, I watched the second building collapse.  I realized that the day was over.  I've never felt that alone before in my life.  There I was, in the middele of a bar with strangers, experiencing this bizarre day.  I was unhappy with my career, unsatisfied with my love life, and tired of waiting for something to happen to make my life better.  I'd been feeling that way for weeks and after those fleeting moments at the Subway Inn, I didn't address those issues fully in my mind for close to another year.

After the second building collapsed, I made eye contact with my colleagues and nodded that I was headed back to the office.  Its about a two mimute walk and my mind turned to quickly finishing my brief and leaving early.

When I got back to the office, I was stopped by several people with various stories to tell.  I guy in the mailroom was headed downtown to look for his mother.  The receptionist was able to reach her friends at her old job.  Another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania.

By this point, time had stopped having meaning.  I usually don't wear a watch because I just sort of know the time.  A good friend calls me the Rainman of Time.  At some point, before noon I think, I was told by someone that our office was closing.  I walked around for a while, offerred colleagues the use of my apartment, and finally decided to leave.  As I gathered the computer files, papers, and other materials necessary for the completion of my brief at home, a secretary in my office came in my office. She was something of the office lune. She was a busy body and often inflcted colleagues with too much information about her personal life (usually about how broke she was).  She was in a panic because she needed to pick up her son at school and the subways were not running, and she had no money.  I gave her all of the money in my wallet. 80 bucks. I didn't think much of it at the time.  She later told me it was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for her.

Before I left, I left a voicemail for my father at his job.  I told him my address and that I was going to be there.  I suggested he meet me there b/c I had heard that the trains were not running to NJ where he lives with my mother.

As I left the office, my mind went blank.  I walked along the Avenues to my apartment on the Upper East Side.  I was struck by how quiet everything was.  People were calmly heading north.  I saw long lines at payphones, but no one was arguing.  People were talkative, even jovial.  There was a spirit of comadarderie.  I remember thinking that this is what I've always liked avout being a New Yorker.  We're a little gruff, but we're a friendly and kind group.  I looked south and saw that the line of people seemed to go on forever.  For the first time I noticed the smoke rising from Downtown.  I wondered if the smoke had been visible before the buildings collapsed or when I was in line waiting for the bus.

I don't remember much else about the walk.  I stopped off at a pizza place and bought some food.  I thought I might be entertaining my father.  Before I made the long climb up the four flights of stairs to my five story walk up, I bought some bottled water.  It was a nod to the thought that my water might somehow stop flowing from the taps.  I remember thinking that if the water goes, my problems would be so bad that water would be the least of my worries.

For the rest of the day I just waited. My father never arrived.  My mother kept calling me (somehow she could call me at will, but I could not call her) to ask if I had heard from him.  The previous August, my father had had angioplasty.  Its a routine surgery if its not your Dad (or you).  My mother fretted (in a a way only a Jewish mother with too much time on her hands can do) that he must have had a heart attack.  I told her not to worry.  Logically I knew that my father was almost certainly safe and sound, but on that day, I no longer trusted my own sense of logic.

As the hours passed, I cleaned my apartment in anticipation of my father's arrival.  I spoke on the phone to the friends I could get in touch with and generally wondered what the hell was next.  I followed President Bush's quixotic dance around the country and thought to myself how the heck is this man going to respond.  I was and am a fiercely partisan Democrat and my fears that he was unqualified only exaserbated my own sense that the world was spinning out of control.

As the day wore on, I started to worry about my father.  It seemed like the kind of thing that might happen.  He was then 67 and did have a heart condition.  It was awfully hot and sunny that day and my apartment was forty blocks and across town from his seminar.  I sat in front of my window overlooking 1st Avenue (between 82 and 83) and watched the endless stream of people heading north.  All were calm and dotted among the throngs were a few covered in ash.

My dad finally turned up at my parents house around 5:30.  My mother called me.  He had headed to Penn Station when his class ended (it was not canclled or cut short) and caught a train with no problem.  Apparently, the trains were running.   I decided that I had been freed from my apartment and started milloing about my neighborhood.   tried to give blood, but was turnded away.  I met a friend for dinner and watched Bush's speach.  I was pleased that everyone in a crowded restarant stopped to listen.  I don't remember anything in that spech, but I do remember that everyone seemed calmed by it.  I was pleased that the leader of our country was not hiding in a bunker somewhere. He was at the seat of government doing the people's business.  This was as it should be I thought.  I never got over my sense that he was not ready for the job.  (I should note that I thought then, now and in between that the attack and quasi occupation of Afganistan as Bush directed it was exactly the right response).

Over the next few days, I fielded phone calls from old friends checkin on my status, dressed down a partner in my office who didn't seem to get that the subways had not been closed just to irritatate him, shrugged when a collague told me that another colleague lost several friends, got really drunk on the Thursday after, and finally finished my brief.  An adversary who was usually uncooperative consented to an adjournment of the due date and I got it done (albeit without the use of the internet based resources which were no longer working -- and would not return foro another month or so).

I don't remember much about the days after.  I seem to recall that there was some sort of wind shift on the Wednesday after and the resulting smell of smoke in my  apartment caused me to call a friend who lived near the UN to see if there had been another incident.

As the days went by, I decided to switch jobs.  I started the new gig on November 14th.  I lasted all of seven momths. I thought that switching jobs would solve all of the problems that existed in my life before September 11.  It didn't.  Instead it made it worse.  I went to my ten year college in reunion June and realized that major changes were needed.  I need to reasssess a stressful life and find a awy to live with a little time to appreciate a beautiful sky.

A friend told me she was moving to Chapel Hill, NC to start her life anew (and enroll in graduate school).  I decided, largely on the spur of the moment to join her.  Left New York on July 31, 2002.

So, here I am, in the midst of all of this Carolina blue.  I still cannot look at a cloudless sky and not think of that day.  I am not afraid of another attack (although I recognize that another attack is inevitble).  But, my life was changed.  It took another eight or none months, but I now know that life isn't about getting the next brief done.  It has to be about something more.  I probably would have figured this out without 9/11, but livign throught that day helped me get to where I am now.

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              <text>Where was I on September 11th?

Unknown to me that morning, for the last time I would be able to step on the plane with minutes to spare. I settled in aboard the 6:00am American Airline flight from Minneapolis to Dallas (and ultimately on to Houston). 
I had taken this flight numerous times over the last year. My children had moved with their mother back to Minnesota, and I had taken on the traveler role. Once a month, for five days with the return flight out of Minneapolis on a Tuesday. The last year .so much had happened. The falling apart of a marriage, the separation, My wife taking the children back to Minnesota, the divorce, my mothers cancer, the pressures of work. Each day before September 11th was a reminder of what a challenge life had turned out to be for me.
Falling asleep, I began the pattern that I knew so well. As I seasoned traveler I had become savvy in the airports, knew my way around delays, and could fall asleep in a heartbeat once sat. As we landed in Dallas, I began to make my way towards my connecting flight on the next concourse. I noted a few people gathered around a television, and approached. The pictures were unclear, the sound was down. My first thought was What building is on fire in Downtown Dallas?
Reflecting back on the next few hours is still a bit of a blur for me. So much happening, incomplete information coming to me as I continued to push on towards my gate. I actually still felt like I was going to be flying on to Houston. The cell phone began ringing with the many family and friends that knew I was flying. I settled into a seat in front of my gate and watched as the Pentagon was hit, the towers collapsed, and the airports were shut down.
A friend in Dallas was able to help me sift through the mountain of luggage, get out of the airport, and get me one of the last rental cars in Dallas. After contacting my boss, he had let me know that he wanted me to get down to Houston; Get to Houston-you are supposed to work tonight. That pressure, the unknown of what was happening with the attacks, the massive weight of being away from the children again, stayed with me as I pressed on towards Houston. I decided to drive with the radio off, so that I could absorb what was occurring.  Making it into town, into the restaurant, and then home sealed what was working in me.
I cannot fathom the sadness of the many that lost loved ones that day, suddenly, unknowingly, so violent. I do not know if I ever will be able to. 
For Me, September 11th crystallized what I knew I had to do. Within 6 months, I had left my job of 10+ years &amp; relocated back Minneapolis to be with my children. I also had the opportunity to be together with my family as my mother passed. September 11th reminded me how much I love those around me, and that I had the energy, power and will to show them that. I continue to feel that as I make further steps forward in life. 
I look forward to the time I share with my children and loved ones, and bless the time that is shared with them.

God Bless
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              <text>Of all the days I could have picked to begin my one-year 
study abroad term in Europe, I managed to pick
perhaps the strangest day in my lifetime: September 11th,
2001. As an educational experience that I had been planning
for several years, I arrived with a number of uncertainties
in mind.  I felt very small and weak as an individual so
far away from home, so distant from anyone that I knew.  
Little did I know, the nervousness surrounding my arrival
abroad would soon fade among the awful images of the
frantic situation in New York and the devastating headlines.

Now just hours after my arrival in Switzerland, I was like
any jet-lagged person.  It was a beautiful afternoon, but
I certainly didn't have the energy to do any exploring.  I
had lugged my year's worth of luggage to the hostel, and I
had no desire to go any further.  While I was waiting for
my room to become available, I figured I could kill some
time sitting in the lobby.  Little did I know, I had chosen
what would soon become a theatre for the tradgic events.

The first five minutes or so that I saw the images on the
hostel's television, I had nothing to say.  It truly was
difficult to digest what was actually happening.  After all,
I was badly jet-lagged and still a bit caught up with
analyzing where I was in my own life.

The next five minutes I started to realize how closely
connected I was with these events....I flew from Dulles
airport one day earlier than the attacks.  I had been at
both the Pentagon and the World Trade Center several weeks
earlier.  My father had worked at the Pentagon but had
luckily retired a couple years earlier.  Several of my
close neighbors still work in the Pentagon. 

The next five minutes was dominated by a sense of disbelief.
How could this be?  How could I have picked such a strange
day to arrive in Switzerland?  Is there any way this could
just be a bad dream?

As time continued I became really sad and for a variety of
reasons.  First and foremost I was sad that anyone could
ever be convinced that this type of action would advance
their cause.  I continue to be haunted by very thought of
being one of the people on those planes.  I was deeply
saddened by the thousands of people in the World Trade
Center that lost their lives as nothing more than
participants in a system that millions of people live
within each day.

As an American surrounded by mostly non-Americans, I felt
a genuine sense of sympathy from almost everyone in my
presense both that day and in the weeks and months
following.  The only exception was actually a Canadian who
made what I felt was a truly inappropriate remark on the
day of the attacks, basically suggesting that this sort
of event was something that the US brings upon itself. Even
if that was someone's opinion, September 11th wasn't the
time to express it.  I never forgave him for that.

Many conversations and months later, I'm still very saddened
by the events of the 11th.  I continue to feel that the
average person fails to see the strength of the economic
connections between advanced nations.  While I am a rather
strong critic of some aspects of American culture, I feel
strongly that the government and the system of markets
that it backs is made of people who do care about solving
international problems.  As pointed out in a recent edition
of the Economist, poverty is being reduced at a faster rate
than at any point in history.  Advanced nations have a
responsibility to work harder to solve international
problems like poverty, but the type of mindset that lies
behind terrorists should not be underestimated.  The US is
right to react with a thorough military response and as
superpower, should continue to lead in this fight with 
whatever means available...intelligence, military,
security measures, foreign policy, etc.  

There's work to be done on all levels.


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